This time of year is always really hard for me, 2 years ago in January I lost one of my friends to cancer and that was bad enough. we weren't amazingly close but it still really hurt. Would you believe i actually thought it had really affected me but then a year ago in February one of my closest freinds comitted suicide and then i felt real pain. unlike before i couldn't understand his death because he'd causedit and i couldn't understand why. We were so close and I could tell him anything which was a big deal for me because i always put up so many barriers but there was no need to hide from him. I could so be myslef and i felt safe. So not only do i have to havecope with him dying but now i have no one to talk to that i feel i can trust and i am so low and everything is going wrong, i've had enough. In his note it said he didn't feel loved but he so was,i loved him, i needed him and he just left me. Its left such an empty space, in the first months after his death people told me the pain would ease eventually. But now its like he's been forgotten, people are moving on but i just can't i don't want to let go because lettin go means losing him all over again and i can't do it, i just can't.
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