Autism / Autism Spectrum Support Group

Autism is classified as a neurodevelopmental disorder which manifests itself in markedly abnormal social interaction, communication ability, patterns of interests, and patterns of behavior. Although the specific etiology of autism is unknown, many researchers suspect that autism results from genetically mediated vulnerabilities to environmental triggers.

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Developmental & Learning Disorders
/ Autism / Autism Spectrum Support Group

WHO DECIDES?

deleted_user
deleted_user
ME AGAIN- OK HERE'S ONE I REALLY WOULD LIKE OPINIONS ON PLEASE. AS YOU ALL PROBABLY KNOW FRANCIS (MY SON) IS 17, CURRENTLY IN FURTHER EDUCATION 'TIL 19- BUT ITS NOW TIME FOR 'AUTHORITIES AND FINANACIAL ASSISTORS' TO RECEIVE APPLICATIONS FOR ANY FUTURE FUNDING FOR HIM.. SO, THESE ARE THE CHOICES.....

STAY WITH ME FOREVER, MAYBE DO LOTS OF COLLEGE COURSES, MAYBE SOME SORT OF PART-TIME EMPLOYMENT.

CONTINUE IN RESIDENTIAL COLLEGE AND GAIN MORE QUALIFICATIONS AND LIFE SKILLS TIL HE IS 25

MOVE INTO ADULT ASSISTED HOUSING WITH OTHERS WITH ASD

OK. NOW THE HARD BIT. REALITY IS THAT FRANCIS WILL ALWAYS NEED SUPPORT, HE CAN DO ALL THE DOMESTIC STUFF, SHOPPING, CLEANING, CLOOKING, WASHING, ALL UNAIDED. BUT... HE REALLY IS VERY VULNERABLE SOCIALLY, HE TALKS TO STRANGERS, HE IS INNAPRORPIATE AT TIMES WITH GIRLS AND OTHERS, ANY QUESTION HE DOESNT GET, HE JUST SAYS 'YES' BUT HE IS ADAMANT THAT WHEN HE IS 18 (MARCH) HE WILL BE AN ADULT AND HE DOESNT WANT TO BE AROUND AUTISTIC PEOPLE ANY MORE, OR ANYONE WITH LEARNING DIFFICULTIES AT ALL, THAT HE WANTS TO GO TO WORK, GET A WIFE, HAVE TWO KIDS AND A DOG AND LIVE HAPPILY.

BEING REAL, I CAN TELL YOU (WITHOUT TRYING TO SOUND TOO HARSH) IT REALLY IS UNLIKELY THAT THIS WILL BE POSSIBLE, I HAVE TRIED, IN EVERY WAY I KNOW HOW, TO GET THIS THROUGH TO HIM, BUT HE JUST KEEPS SAYING "MUM, IM GONNA BE AN ADULT- I CAN DO WHAT I LIKE"

HHHEEEELLLLPPPPPP!!!!!!!

AFTER TRYING ALL THE NICE WAYS OF SAYING IT- I GOT VERY BLUNT AND JUST SAID "FRANCIS, YOUR AUTISM IS NOT GONNA GO AWAY AND YOU WILL ALWAYS NEED HELP IN YOUR LIFE" .... HE IS NOT IMPRESSED AND IS CURRENTLY HAVING A PADDY IN HIS BEDROOM... CAN YOU HEAR HIM??

THE PROBLEM.... THE LAW SAYS THAT AT 18 HE HAS THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE, DESPITE HIS 'MENTAL IMPAIRMENT' AND IF HE DOES NOT WANT SERVICES, IT WILL BE HARD FOR ME TO OVERRIDE THAT.SO, SOMEHOW, BETWEEN NOW AND MARCH, IVE GOTTA CONVINCE HIM....... OR HAVE HIM WITH ME FOR EVER (YEAH I KNOW, BUT IVE HAD HIM HOME TIL HE WAS 16 EVERY DAY, THEN STILL EACH WEEKEND AND I HAVE SEVER NARCOLEPSY TOO, IM A SINGLE PARENT AND WOULD QUITE LIKE A BIT OF 'ME' TIME... IS THAT SELFISH?? WHEN HE WAS 5 I THOUGHT IT WAS COOL TO SAY "OH WELL, HE CAN LIVE WITH ME FOREVER- NO PROBLEM" BUT I TELL YOU WHAT- ITS HARD GOIN AND IM NOT SURE I CAN CONTINUE TO GIVE HIM ALL OF ME... INDEFINITELY..OK, TELL ME IM A CRAP MUM (NO, PLEASE DONT ACTUALLY!)BUT I FEEL TRAPPED, DESPERATE, SELFISH BUT ON THE OTHER HAND MY LOVE FOR HIM CANT LET HIM GO INTO THE BIG WIDE WORLD'CAUSE I KNOW HOW MUCH IT COULD HURT HIM.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have absolutely no idea what to say that might help....but wanted to let you know that I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. ((HUGS))
Olismom
Olismom
I understand why you are concerned. I think he needs to explore his options and you need to let him have a feeling of independence even though we all know he may need to be dependent somehow. Does he want to got to college or group home? What are his choices. He can turn 18, and then move out, but is he really going to want to. If you force the help on him he will resent the help as domination or control. If you are there and supporting his choices, he will welcome the support to be sucessful in his choice. If he is inappropriate with women, he will get himself slapped or learn the lesson somehow.
You are a great Mum! I suggest you find the agency that will support him in the adult world, and get him established with a counselor that can guid him, so that he won't feel like he is mama's kid still.
I have a 3 year old, but I remember my parents went through this with my 48 year old brother, 30 years ago. First he left the boarding school and went to a group home that was like a fraternity for low functioning big kids. He then was put into a program that was a training and more independent, and he ran away, and since 1984 he has lived at home with Mom.
Most families make it a family project to visit colleges before applying. Make a project to help him decide. Encourage his independence, but also hold him accountable for making choices he needs to stick with. Go to all the options and get the info before choosing!

Thanks for the Christmas note. Happy Holidays to you both!
deleted_user
deleted_user
First off - you are a great mom so just because you want a little "me" time in addition to making your son more independant does not make you selfish. What about the residential college until 25? How much freedom does he get? It's a hard one because on one had he understands he has autism but on the other he doesn't quite get the limitations. Does the residential offer the most freedom??
deleted_user
deleted_user
You are not being selfish, I think that it is perfectly normal once a child turns 18 for the parents to have their time, just like any other turning 18. I'm not sure about GBR'S policies, but here in the states, even though our children turn 18, we can get an attorney and go to court to get Power of Attorney over our adult children, which means, you continue to decide where he resides and also medical and fincinal issues, etc. I have already been given the packet for Alex, and already have an attorney to do this. I really feel that he would benefit from what they call " Independent Living" here in Texas the person lives in an apartment, has a job coach, a case manager that comes in a few times a week to check on them and make sure all their needs are met. He could also take classes and the case manager would be responsiable for assisting him with transportation to and from college. We have a program ih Texas at a community college that is called "Learning Communities" what this means is that the students work together in class as a group and with an instructor, very different from a regular college class, because it is hands on learning, yet a regular college credit is given. This class is not a continuing education class, it is REGULAR CREDIT CLASS! THEY JUST GO AT A SLOWER PACE AND WORK AS A TEAM , UNTIL EVERYONE GET'S THE INFORMATION DOWN. So I would reccomend this for your son, if ya can try and look into some local colleges and as well some group home facilities who offer " Independent Living Program" he would have his own apartment but not be unlooked after. Hugs! I'm getting closer to where you are so I totally understand and can understand how you feel. Hang in their mum!!!!!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
thanks guys. well, i can override his decision legally- bu that is the problem- i dont know if i should. he really doesnt want to do any of the options as he want to escape from others with learning difficulties- i have established this is the MAIN concern of his. but, the 'mainstream' college and work opportunities have already turned him down as they 'cannot cater for his needs'. aaarrrgggghhhh!!! HELP!
deleted_user
deleted_user
OK, You are battling this one mum! I see you are up at 5:00 AM!!!!!!! Well me too, but I'm just finishing homework! Ok , I see now what your talking about, you really want to find a median that works for both of ya'll, right? Well the kinda program I am talking about , is a regular apartment, not in with persons with autism, just a regular old apartment. Now , does he not want the additional support services? If he wants to just go out and live in an apartment with absouletly NO ONE TO CHECK IN ON HIM , ETC. NO............... I'm sorry, you must think of his safety, he could get taken advantage of, or get into trouble, well you know yourself what all can happen! And the laws nowadays! Ultimately mum, ya gotta do what is in his best intrest, even if he hates ya for awhile!I just cannot see turning him out into this crazy world without some kinda assistance or supervision. So, how far from ya does he want to live? Has he any general idea as to where? I mean if It wasn't too far you could look in on him. I know kinda defeats the purpose of him being on his own. Gosh, I am so sorry, I just don't know what to say......... I fear the day Alex may do the same and realistic, not gonna happen, I will not let him choose. I guess ya just gotta gather yourself and look into any options that ya may not have been made aware of???? Gotta think on this one!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
thanks yearsoftears, there are no other options, that is it.... we have had another chat today, he is still adamant that he doesnt want help etc... so, i just wanted a chance for him to move on, without me having to be the ogre again, but i think im gonna have to... he just doesn't get it.. he doesnt see his own need for help, as he doesnt see alot of other things.. it is really difficult, he really does have his own mind, and i feel like im crushing his spirit.
deleted_user
deleted_user
See if you can track down some adult high functional autistics and ask them the question. I understand that their thinking might be skewed, but they might have some additional insights.
Olismom
Olismom
I think you need to explore the options that are available, and get him to know that ALL 18 year old young men need to have their support systems until at least 25. That is what all typical people need, and those that don't have it are really suffering with the disadvantage of lack of that support. Explain to him you are there to support him and then let him resource the best he can, just for the exercise. Do as Challenger says and get into the community to find actual cases of what works, and ask him if he wants to find a roommate or what are his plans, because typical 18 year olds without a job has to figure it out. Tell him you need him to explain it in writing so the "system" will understand his intention then over-ride if necessary and then explain he needs to re-apply next year, so let's get social skills or real life experience. Just a thought!
deleted_user
deleted_user
thanks everyone. i have had more chats with him today... i think i may be getting somewhere...but i had to do it in a blunt way... i always hate that.. but i may have got the message through and was at least able to get him to agree to go see the next college that is for 19-25yrs... so, some progress, although he has a face like a slapped backside, he has conceeded, for now... will keep you all posted. any more bright ideas, please let me know.. my barrell is well and truly empty. please remember him in your prayers if you can. thank you. x
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sorry to say hun, but I've met couple autistic adults whom are living alone and all. Even know a man who's married, kid, drives, own house, career.

I will tell you what he's told me. Never think he can't do because the "autism" think of it as a challenge not disability. He can do fine out there if he;s high functioning g. Never under estimate.
deleted_user
deleted_user
thanks lisa81. my son is not classed as high functioning- but i try hard not to under-estimate him, but to still keep it real. i depserately WANT him to have all tht he desires in life, but i also know in my heart that some things may be beyond him and i fell it is my duty as his mother to help him into the journey to adulthood my being as honest as i can, so that he will accept the help that he needs right now. it is a difficult balance- and that is what my struggle is all about. i hate these moments... but i do see them as potential for change too.... we are just trying to find the balance at the moment...
deleted_user
deleted_user
awwwwww sweetie I can't imagine how hard this must be. we always want our babies to be out in the world and independent and when it happens, we can't let go. I know 3 severe people whom are on their own. If you feel he wouldn't make it socially then maybe have him join an adult autism group?
deleted_user
deleted_user
wow, I'm not actually looking forward to having to deal with all of this. Luckily, mine is only 3 years old. However, she is very independent and I'm sure that she would want to be on her own as well. Can you say "Having this conversation in 15 years!"?

Plus, I know how it is to want alone time or mom time. It doesn't happen at my house either.
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