Autism / Autism Spectrum Support Group
Autism is classified as a neurodevelopmental disorder which manifests itself in markedly abnormal social interaction, communication ability, patterns of interests, and patterns of behavior. Although the specific etiology of autism is unknown, many researchers suspect that autism results from genetically mediated vulnerabilities to environmental triggers.
My son, Kris, age 13, asperger's syndrome, switched middle schools this year because the school he was in did NOT have a behavior unit. Last year he refused to leave the campus when he was told he had to do so for not listening and having too many meltdowns. I called the police because he wouldn't get in the car to go home. He just refused. The police never arrived because when Kris heard me calling them he got in the car. But, when we got home he wouldn't get out of the car either. : (
Anyway, new meds and no real meltdowns like that since the summer. Whew!
Last week he came home every day crying because he had no friends. My heart is breaking, people.
I hate coming here and dumping on all of you because you have your own demons to fight and your own problems with your children.
But, well, this is my place to vent so here goes . . . in the beginning of the year he was being bullied. I put a stop to that and then the bully wanted to be lab partners with my son. I was doubtful but Kris seemed okay with it. I held my breath. But, Kris talks about how this bully gets into trouble all the time and is NOT the best role model for my son.
He (the bully) dresses in what his teacher calls "dregs" which according to her means that he wears baggy pants that sag down and show his underwear. Krisopher mentioned this to me before and I told him that was against dress code and it wasn't very nice. He's always had an aversion to his underwear in the first darn place; i.e. he refuses to take a bath unless he gets into the tub with the undies on, he's taken scissors and cut up his undies, stuff like that. So, this was something we didn't need right now. But, the teacher said yesterday she had to have a talk with MY son because his pants were NOT to dress code and his undies were showing.
: ( I knew it was coming from trying to immulate this darn bully. Ho hum!!! I told her that his pants are in his size and that they have elastic sizer buttons inside (necessary because he's so darn skinny) and fit well but that lately I'd noticed they were all "loose and no longer buttoned". I have talked until I'm blue in the face and he must not be listening to me or to his teacher. Next thing you know he will be sent home for violating dress code.
I explained to her where he was getting this "information" and why I thought he was 'dressing' like that. He damn sure did NOT leave this house in the a.m. like that.
To make matters worse, I talked to my nephew and he agreed to welcome Kristopher to his table at lunch. When Kris came home yesterday he was all smiles and happy because he had lunch buddies and my nephew is a really good kid. Along with that my nephew's friend used to be in one of Kris' classes when he was in 4th grade and he used to remind Kris to go to the nurse and take his meds. : )
This a.m. he gets up and tells me he's going back to having lunch in the behavior unit. : ( Why? Why? Why??? I don't expect an answer. It's just that no matter how hard I try it's like I will NEVER, EVER understand what is in his head. He seemed way happy yesterday and all afternoon and into bedtime. Now, this a.m., this!!! I know change is hard but this is something he seemed to want and need and when I get it for him with folks he already "knows" he balks.
To make matters worse he skipped 3 classes yesterday because he is stressing over mummies, UFO's and aliens. He told the teacher he saw them on the computer. Kris gets NO computer time at our house at all!!! He's ruined several computers. He goes to school, and comes straight home. He has no unsupervised time. However, Saturday night we went to supper with friends. They have a son who is 26 years old with Asperger's, too. The two of them seem to get along great.
Anyway, on the way home this man was telling Kristopher all about seeing aliens once and how it scared the beegeebees outta him.
I told him to "shut up" or I was gonna make him stay up with Kristopher if he couldn't sleep. He quit. He meant no harm, just was carrying on one of his conversations. But, Kris is so impressionable.
Then on Sunday my daughter took my son to church 'cuz hubby and I were trying to get some things done around here that can't be done when Kris is home. She took him out for pizza with her family and then he went home to stay with her for a little while. Her husband plays this awful computer video game called "World of Warcraft". I don't know if Kris watched this crap or not, but there are awful demons on that program.
The problem here is that I canNOT shield Kristopher from the world and if I don't he picks up on some of this kind of stuff and obsesses over it until I wanna scream.
He is barely passing his core subjects with all of the obsessing and worrying about having no friends he's done. I know middle school is difficult for normal kids. Especially when you are the new kid on the block. But, I just wanna pull my hair out.
I don't know how to make any of this better.
I have been in a depressed funk and have been in bed most of today in a depression because I don't know what to do next.
I only have until he gets home from school at 4 p.m. to straighten myself out and talk to him so we can try to get to the bottom of it.
I think I need to put him back in counselling. He was doing pretty well for a long while without it and now this mess.
I'm beginning to think we should not have allowed them to switch his middle school and I've learned that the behavior unit is NOT for kids like Kris anyway. It's for the real bullies of the world. Kris is NO bully. He is obsessed with things, yes. But, he'd never intentionally hurt a fly.
I just don't know where to turn.
Sorry to vent here when you all have your own stories to tell but this is one time I just don't know what to try next.
: ( hugs,
gaylek11
Anyway, new meds and no real meltdowns like that since the summer. Whew!
Last week he came home every day crying because he had no friends. My heart is breaking, people.
I hate coming here and dumping on all of you because you have your own demons to fight and your own problems with your children.
But, well, this is my place to vent so here goes . . . in the beginning of the year he was being bullied. I put a stop to that and then the bully wanted to be lab partners with my son. I was doubtful but Kris seemed okay with it. I held my breath. But, Kris talks about how this bully gets into trouble all the time and is NOT the best role model for my son.
He (the bully) dresses in what his teacher calls "dregs" which according to her means that he wears baggy pants that sag down and show his underwear. Krisopher mentioned this to me before and I told him that was against dress code and it wasn't very nice. He's always had an aversion to his underwear in the first darn place; i.e. he refuses to take a bath unless he gets into the tub with the undies on, he's taken scissors and cut up his undies, stuff like that. So, this was something we didn't need right now. But, the teacher said yesterday she had to have a talk with MY son because his pants were NOT to dress code and his undies were showing.
: ( I knew it was coming from trying to immulate this darn bully. Ho hum!!! I told her that his pants are in his size and that they have elastic sizer buttons inside (necessary because he's so darn skinny) and fit well but that lately I'd noticed they were all "loose and no longer buttoned". I have talked until I'm blue in the face and he must not be listening to me or to his teacher. Next thing you know he will be sent home for violating dress code.
I explained to her where he was getting this "information" and why I thought he was 'dressing' like that. He damn sure did NOT leave this house in the a.m. like that.
To make matters worse, I talked to my nephew and he agreed to welcome Kristopher to his table at lunch. When Kris came home yesterday he was all smiles and happy because he had lunch buddies and my nephew is a really good kid. Along with that my nephew's friend used to be in one of Kris' classes when he was in 4th grade and he used to remind Kris to go to the nurse and take his meds. : )
This a.m. he gets up and tells me he's going back to having lunch in the behavior unit. : ( Why? Why? Why??? I don't expect an answer. It's just that no matter how hard I try it's like I will NEVER, EVER understand what is in his head. He seemed way happy yesterday and all afternoon and into bedtime. Now, this a.m., this!!! I know change is hard but this is something he seemed to want and need and when I get it for him with folks he already "knows" he balks.
To make matters worse he skipped 3 classes yesterday because he is stressing over mummies, UFO's and aliens. He told the teacher he saw them on the computer. Kris gets NO computer time at our house at all!!! He's ruined several computers. He goes to school, and comes straight home. He has no unsupervised time. However, Saturday night we went to supper with friends. They have a son who is 26 years old with Asperger's, too. The two of them seem to get along great.
Anyway, on the way home this man was telling Kristopher all about seeing aliens once and how it scared the beegeebees outta him.
I told him to "shut up" or I was gonna make him stay up with Kristopher if he couldn't sleep. He quit. He meant no harm, just was carrying on one of his conversations. But, Kris is so impressionable.
Then on Sunday my daughter took my son to church 'cuz hubby and I were trying to get some things done around here that can't be done when Kris is home. She took him out for pizza with her family and then he went home to stay with her for a little while. Her husband plays this awful computer video game called "World of Warcraft". I don't know if Kris watched this crap or not, but there are awful demons on that program.
The problem here is that I canNOT shield Kristopher from the world and if I don't he picks up on some of this kind of stuff and obsesses over it until I wanna scream.
He is barely passing his core subjects with all of the obsessing and worrying about having no friends he's done. I know middle school is difficult for normal kids. Especially when you are the new kid on the block. But, I just wanna pull my hair out.
I don't know how to make any of this better.
I have been in a depressed funk and have been in bed most of today in a depression because I don't know what to do next.
I only have until he gets home from school at 4 p.m. to straighten myself out and talk to him so we can try to get to the bottom of it.
I think I need to put him back in counselling. He was doing pretty well for a long while without it and now this mess.
I'm beginning to think we should not have allowed them to switch his middle school and I've learned that the behavior unit is NOT for kids like Kris anyway. It's for the real bullies of the world. Kris is NO bully. He is obsessed with things, yes. But, he'd never intentionally hurt a fly.
I just don't know where to turn.
Sorry to vent here when you all have your own stories to tell but this is one time I just don't know what to try next.
: ( hugs,
gaylek11
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
you have several things going on right now. he is a teenager, God i feel for ya! teenagers do not like parents picking their friends even if we mean well. i agree with you, maybe you should go back to counselling and wonder if it would help to get him back in the school he did better in, if that is possible. peer pressure sucks, aspergers/autism or not i think kids cant avoid it and they wont so bad to fit in. sometimes i think a uniform at all schools would be the naswer to the dress code problems in our schools today. hope things get better,
hugs,
trudy
how did the talk go tonight?
I think you might have answered your own question of what to do.
Even tho it is in the begining of the school year... maybe he should go back to the school he was at.
I know you can not sheild Kris from everything, but a school should not have moved HIM because there is not a behavior room.. they should PROVIDE a place for him**.
They are doing us a service not the other way around.
For something to bring you down so hard, thats when you take a step back do what is best for your son. Period.
you already know what that is, you know him better than anyone else does.
If its counsiling ok there ya go. Returning back to the other school , if you have to then just do it.
I know what kind of behavior room your talking about, I supose it is just what fits a behavior. If he needs just a place to relax why cant they make that a place for him in his homeroom?
Im sure you have already tried redirecting him. How about with visuals as well.
Maybe he will understand things better that way? Or let them go easier that way?
far as the pants go... well you can give him a choice, either keeps them the way he leaves the house, or he wears something else. That cant be loosened etc.
he prob wouldnt like that.
Like sweats. or jogging pants.
I hope you got your point across clear and he expressed himself too.
Let us know how it goes.
Remember your not alone we all are here with you.
HUG
I also told him that I would sew the elastic that is now adjustable into his pants so that they canNOT be loosened if he does NOT stop it and right now.
I told him that it goes against the way he was raised and our beliefs to show his underwear in public. PERIOD!!! And, that it breaks the school dress code and they are gonna call me to come pick him up. And, when I do I will be one MOST unhappy, ticked off mommy!!!
Will hold my breath because it could go either way.
He did go eat with my nephew yesterday and seemed happy about that so that was a relief. He didn't say a word though. And, I usually can't get him to be quiet. But, he's shy and doesn't know how to "start" a conversation. I've practiced with him some suggestions. But, I just don't understand him not even trying after we've practiced so many times. When the time comes he freezes up.
I spent the entire day IN bed until he got home and after our talk, hubby came home and I went back to bed, super, douper depressed.
Got up feeling a tad bit better this a.m. Will see how it goes.
I do agree with the poster who said I also need counseling. The problem is affording the copays for both of us to get counseling.
The last time he went for counseling the counselor broke his visits up so that I was allowed 10 minutes of the 30 minute appointment to vent about Kristopher. Not other things in my life, but stuff pertaining to Kris' problems. It helped me alot, just to know somebody was listening to me.
How sad is that??? Anyway, whatever works.
Thanks to you all. It helps to be reminded that I know my son better than anyone. While I wish I understood better what goes on in his head, I do know him better than most. I needed to be reminded of that.
Because I truly do NOT know what is best for him at this point. HO hum!!! But, I do keep trying!!!
hugs and thanks for all the support,
gaylek11
I suggest you step back and visualize the appropriate class for Kris, and make a heart felt wish to pray for it. Then find him a placement maybe in a school where he can be himself
If he is barely passing that means he needs something different. Present that fact, and contact the Advocate to see if they are violating the IEP to service his needs and protect him from bullies. My nephew with obsessive issues and AS went to a Catholic High School. Saggin' was not the problem, but the structure was good for him.
your son needs whatever it takes for him to be a success.
Your gonna be alright Gayle, it is so hard to do what we have to do, it is hard to be a parent period. But with our special needs its harder.
takes its toll on us doesnt it, every day is a challenge.
Your a great mom, a good women and intelligent.
Do something for you* today!
we love ya!!!
I feel for you, I really do. I think we've all had times where our kids seem to go from doing great to falling in a heap overnight. And Teenagers! My son is 13 and AARRGGHH! You can't tell them anything!
As for what to do, well you already know. You've answered your own questions. The hard part is doing it. It's intimidating, but you know that you need to stand up, pull yourself together, and fight the system. They're not really interested in what's best for Kris, they're interested in what's easiest for them. You are your childs advocate, he can't fight for himself and he needs you to demand his rights. It's exhausting, and the battle is never really over because there'll always be something else to fight for.
Just make sure you take care of yourself as well. See your doctor if the depression gets bad and doesn't let up. Check in here frequently - these girls cheer me up no end. And don't be afraid to Vent! Get it off your chest so it doesn't bury you!
This morning Kristopher came in with his pants way loose. I put a stop to it and told him I have enough problems dealing with REAL problems in his life and I was NOT gonna put up with this crap.
He's so smart in his own devious way. He says, "Mom, this is where YOU put the elastic". : ( Uh, yeah, because I pulled the elastic strips through the waistband and buttoned them anywhere. He was NOT wearing them when I did it. Geesh!!! The kid will find any excuse to do what he wants to do.
I do have advocates with his aide who is a certified teacher and helps me. The problem with his grades is that he gets in one of these moods where he is stressing about something and he just flat refuses to let her teach him anything. This has been an ongoing problem, even in his other middle school. : (
He did get through the entire day yesterday without missing any classes and he told me again this morning that he is happy to have "lunch buddies" to eat with. : )
But, he seems so darn oppositional. I know alot of this is just the teen years but because of all of his other issues and his ODD, uh, it's hard to just place blame on ODD when I'm sure the teen years has a big play in it.
But, no notes home from his special needs teacher/aide yesterday so that was a good thing, I hope.
Hugs,
gaylek11
P.S. Ya'll are the greatest!!!
I don't like the fashion statement because it just gets him in more trouble at school and it is his effort to fit in with a boy who is a trouble maker and I don't see that as productive for Kristopher.
I'm trying my hardest to help him to see that. And, we do focus on all of the positives. We have his art from art class all over our walls.
He's pretty darn good at it.
Thanks for the advice. Always listening.
hugs,
gaylek11
Stay on the positives, and this too shall pass, then saggin' will be dorky and dressing like Richie Cunningham will be it. What makes the other kid a troublemaker, and what in that is Kris attracted to? Make a compromise, all teenage kids and parents need to do that. He can dress like that but not with you and then take him to the amusement park if he will dress in a fashion he picks out but you approve of.
Kids and parents and fashion have always been a war since the beginning of time. You won't win unless there is a truce! Trust in each other is the factor you need to consider and develop. Then stick to the compromise and expect him to too.. Make saggin' a reward for getting good grades and having no behavior complaints from school. Then take a picture like you think it is cool, and he will find another rebel focol topic. Kids like that thrive for the argument. I was that way at that age.
But, after he got called to the office and talked to about the bullying of my son, he craftily volunteered to be his "lab partner". Well, Kris doesn't have friends and desperately wants one, even if it is the same person who tormented me day after day.
I believe in second chances but he still comes home saying the kid is always in trouble.
My take on the issue is that I have too many problems to address in the first place withOUT this kind of crap.
And, yeah, I used to give in about lots of clothing issues with my oldest two. Remember, Kris is my 3rd child and the others are "grown" (thank God!!!)
But, I will insist that he follows the rules at school. He somehow has always believed that rules don't apply to him. He's not mean or hurtful to others, but he just always thinks he rules. He doesn't. And, this is one time he won't win.
But, he seems happy to now have "good friends" to sit with at lunch. So, that appears to be going well.
Hugs,
gaylek11