Autism / Autism Spectrum Support Group

Autism is classified as a neurodevelopmental disorder which manifests itself in markedly abnormal social interaction, communication ability, patterns of interests, and patterns of behavior. Although the specific etiology of autism is unknown, many researchers suspect that autism results from genetically mediated vulnerabilities to environmental triggers.

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Developmental & Learning Disorders
/ Autism / Autism Spectrum Support Group

dads

deleted_user
deleted_user
hi yall, i wanted to share this with all of you. i went to take the dog out tonight, after i went to bed she wanted out, and when i took her down through the garage i opened the door and found my husband in the garage crying his eyes out. it scared the hell out of me i thought he got a phone call with really bad news. when i finally got it out of him what was wrong he told me it was adam. he is on a major guilt trip, he has been since the day adam was dx'd with autism. he is convinced that he gave adam autism. my husband does not have any developmental delays, he has never had any signs of autism or aspergers. he says that he was to old to have adam, he was 39 yrs old when adam was concieved, adams mom was 38. on the other hand, adam has two sisters from his mom that are older then him, both have developmental delays and major learning problems at school. i dont know if that means anything, but if i had to point the finger it would have to be at his mothers genes since she had two other kids before with different men and both with different degrees of developmental and learning delays. i have known my husband for 25 yrs and have never seen him upset, not even a little bit, until tonight. he is truly devasted, blaming himself. of course i went straight into 'its no ones fault' mode. i explained to him all the things i have learned here at DS and told him about all of you, autism does not discriminate against age, sex, color, religion, creed, it is ruthless!
how are your husbands doing? have they talked to you? have they broke down? do they need to talk to you or break down? to be honest i am hoping this has opened the door for my husband to forget everything he was told my adams mom and do his own research and see that adam is not doomed for life, he can be a productive adult. he will have limits, but he will not be an invalid. i need the right stuff to say to him but dont know what to say to make him understand that adam isnt doomed to a cruel life, he is just going to live a different life. tell your husbands you love them and yall stick together, and be understanding, our men have so much pride, they deal with things different then we do, but they hurt and go through it all too. sorry such a long post, but i needed to share this.
deleted_user
deleted_user
i just want to clarify that i am not "pointing the finger" at adams mom, i mean i dont know what causes autism but you must understand, she spent from the time adam was dx'd until she left, 2 1/2 yrs, telling my husband that "adam got autism from him" with her being a nurse, he believed her, his entire family believed her because they thought her occupation made her the know-all of autism. it is heartbreaking to see him blame himself. i hate the blame game, it accomplishes nothing. i told him to stop beating himself up and grab it by the horns! Adam has autism, autism DOES NOT have Adam!!!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
My husband broke down a couple of times right after Daniel was diagnosed. Your husband might have put it off until now, especially if his first wife put the guilt trip on him. He might have been waiting until he felt emotionally safer--with you--before he could process that part of his grieving. They're both lucky to have you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
DH is still processing the diagnosis.

Hes gone from denial, to anger (at me), to confusion (when asking for a cure), to hopelessness.
He currently believes that DS is doomed to need a fulltime caregiver for the rest of his life. Mind you, DS is moderate, not severe, & is only 3 & already slightly verbal. He also thinks that Ill need to homeschool DS if/when hes mainstreamed, to keep him away from NTs because theyll be mean.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My spouse was in denial, and still is. He did enjoy pointing the finger at me, saying it was my fault because my nephew has Angelman's syndrome. It is just one of the MANY reasons we are separated. Anway, I do feel guilty because I was the one who took the boys for their vaccines, and I will always feel guilty, I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for that. However, I did make sure to let him know that is has also been linked to Fathers who have children in their forties, which he did. He is a good deal older than me, and was 47, and 49 when we had our boys. I am not sure I believe that has anything to do with it, but it taught him that he had better NEVER play that game with me again. It is not anyone's fault, but I think it is harder for men. That is not a put down, it just seems to be the case. We hae a lot of support groups for mothers, but we do need more for fathers. I think that would help. A lot of them are really hurting,and maybe they just don't feel comfortable being surrounded by a bunch of moms. It does make sense when you think about it.....
deleted_user
deleted_user
Mine is in denial. It's hard because I do 99% of the work with our son. He thinks all will be fine and our son will catch up in a few years. Ahhh, to live in that world :)
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi, maybe if you and him sat down and read my theory page on my website, he can see that it is not his fault at all, nor is it yours. I suggest maybe both of you sit down together and look at this page: http://chat1autism.wetpaint.com/page/Theories.../ I hope that will help him.

Kris
deleted_user
deleted_user
http://chat1autism.wetpaint.com/page/Theories...

I hope this comes up as a link now...

Kris
deleted_user
deleted_user
Well, if you just copy and paste it comes up :)

Hugs,
Kris
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think many of the Dads have a lot of trouble processing this. Their sons are supposed to be their buddies, and then something goes wrong and it doesn't meet their expectations. Some men deal with this better than others. Some, sadly, can't deal with it and leave. Others rise to occaision and grow and change in ways that are truly wonderful to see. This disorder truly affects the entire family. We all have to find the best way we can to deal with it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
thanks so much for your support to everyone!
PAMom: i think you said it best for my husband, some leave, he stayed. he not only stayed, he was raising him alone until we got married. not too many men do that, and even a few women leave a special needs child to pretty much fend for themselves. thanks again everyone!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I may not be a dad, but I'm a single mom and understand where he's coming from. I went through the whole "grieving" lane and went trough all the stages. Now even as I've accepted it, the pain never goes away. Sometimes I sit and cry thinking that I may never see my baby with "buddies" over and having parties and stuff. But again, only god knows that. The pain gets easier, but never goes away. Little milestones or child will set us off and we always will point the finger at ourselves.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My son was diagnosed with Aspergers Dispraxia Dislexia and then they checked me same but also BPI Chiari Personality Probs Abuse Confrontational Disorder. Then looked at my Dad same, his Mom same. So there we go. Nephews are same.
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