Hi everyone, I have been reading these posts and I am so interested that so many with husbands with AS have very successful husbands with high IQ's. My husband tested with a very high IQ, but just works an average job like everyone else - he cannot seem to access his potential or the part of his brain that would allow him the career potential. It is very frustrating to see this, especially since we both must work to make ends meet and have a little extra. I enjoy working, so that is not as much of an issue for me, but it is frustrating to see potential not being utilized, additionally I cannot get him to believe in it, either. He cannot handle stress, so could not be a manager or physician, etc. Gets bored easily with programming...any ideas anyone?

My husband is highly intelligent as well, but his organization skills are not the greatest. We are both teachers, and that seems to suit him well. He is able to manage a classroom of students and is quite good at it, but that's it. It will be a struggle for him to move beyond that even though he is quite popular, and fairly well known in our district. He says he is organized enough for him, and it works. I do wish him the best though, and also hope he might accomplish what he desires.

First, my hubby went to school to be a surgicalt tech with the Army, and did well with it in the Army, but then left to the "real world", just can't handle it.
As for the clergy, we tried that too, but the problem I think isn't with the clergy, it's with anyone who doesn't immediately understand AS, it's just too hard to explain, and really, I just don't have the patience anymore to try to make anyone else understand. I am at the point of exploding at my husbands family about just what I have been dealing with with him, he asked me the other day why I stay with him, the answers are just not that simple anymore. I love him desperately, at the same time I HATE what he has done to us. Most of it I am trying to understand, and some of it I think I am successful in getting, but as someone without AS, without an addictive personality, God how do you understand some of this?

I have no idea how to understand. I don't know what brings on a good day or a bad one; although I am getting better at predicting the bad ones. Today it seems like my family is totally normal, the kids playing outside and my hubby helping with chores. How did this happen? I have no idea; it is such a random occurrence. What makes things work for them, and what makes it go wrong? School will be starting soon, and my daughter is not willing to go. We've already started to prepare, and get ready. I think my hubby is ready to go back because it is truly his comfort zone. Today I got to go to the gym, and to lunch with a friend and it was fabulous. School for me will be hard because it will be harder to take care of me. So yes this journey in a family of AS is crazy; I wonder if I will ever understand what makes the three of them tick.

I feel your pain, as someone who shall remain nameless once said. But I truly do because I've been there. That's what's so great about this community.

I saw my therapist yesterday. She is an Episcopal priest as well as a therapist.

I told her about some of the things that have been going on and that when Dana said "what's in it for me" I almost slugged him.

I told her that I told my husband that I wouldn't always be there. I can't live like this forever. If he won't accept the dx and then seek a counselor we can both go to, I'm going to leave. I was very calm when I said this. I think it shocked him that I would consider doing this.

I told my therapist that people have said to me for years, why do you stay with him. And I tell them that I took vows before God and they weren't just words to me. They were promises made to Dana in God's presence.

She agreed with that of course but, she said God doesn't want anyone to stay in an abusive relationship and she said I have been emotionally abused for a very long time.

I don't want a divorce and I'm not doing anything right now. I owe it to myself and, yes, to him to give it time. But now that we know what we're dealing with, we can work together to improve our relationship.

Last night I was going down the stairs to let one of the dogs in. My Golden was going down in front of me, as she was trained to do, and I slipped on the "feathers" of her tail. It was not a quiet fall and my husband was in the kitchen nearby.

With every bump I felt a jolt of pain in my back. My lower spine is a nightmare. So, I sat there until I felt I could get up and went and let the dog in.

When I went upstairs I said, "Boy am I going to hurt tomorrow." He said, "Yeah, I heard you fall."

Now you tell me. Is that AS or just plain old abuse? Moving out sounds better every day.

VickiB

I have to say Vicki, in a situation where I fell, or got hurt, my hubby would be right there. In right now, specific siutations like that he is great, in fact the other night I cut my hand on the window, and he noticed my hand bleeding right away, and wanted to help. He can't and doesn't react to things for the most part the way others do hence the AS, but it doesn't shut them off completely. I can't imagine why in hearing you fall he wouldn't have at least yelled out something to you.
For things that aren't immediately seen, my hubby too can be unfeeling, I was in the hospital ICU twice after my son was born, the last time over Christmas, very sick, etc...when I came home each time, he just was "oh good, she's here, she can take over everything". Not that he said it out loud, but that's what he did, my kids helped me both times, my older girls and my mom helped take care of the new baby, he was just oblivious. Course at the time when I mentioned in counseling that I was afraid that is just how it would go, he got mad, so go figure.
He now seems to understand somewhat, not completely, but at least enough to know when I am upset about something, and he does try to take the time to ask me what he can do to make it better. I have to admit, it's hard to have to answer that EVERYTIME, sometimes I just wish things would be normal, and there wouldn't be anything for him to work on, to make me feel better about. ugh.......
Do what you need to do to survive and be happy, you shouldn't be selling your soul in order to stay in your marriage.

Hello All, Have been away for a few weeks and have just finished catching up on all the entrys. Whom ever said we seem to all be living identical lives hit the nail on the head! But like all of you, through the mass of frustrations the little "rice like" times are what makes it all worth while. My husband made me a birthday breakfast in bed last year and drew a "stick" flower in a vase. Sounds a little silly I know, but the fact that he acknowledged that I would like this (even if he called me a (insert I forget but it wasn't the nicest) for gushing over his glimer of thoughtfulness)was well possibly the best birthday present he could have given me - he hadn't even been diagnosed at this point... what a difference a year makes.

Hope today has been a good, arguement free, fun filled one for all of you!
xxx

JennyR - my husband is the same way as yours, always tries to help but can be unsympathetic at times and I too wish we weren't always trying to make something better (my husband always asks too - if we had a normal relationship I don't think we would communicate this way), always thinking about the AS.

VickiB - Every time I read your posts I hurt for you. I am so sorry you fell and he didn't help. I can see you don't want to leave but I am really glad you are standing up for yourself.

Joy - I completely understand about the joy in small things! Don't know if you caught my post about the rice, but that sums it up!

So glad we all have eachother to talk to!

wow, that sounds painful,
say, my ex today, (who called off my wedding via email) sent another email asking for 'the ring' back....
any etiquette advice on this anyone??

nptnurse - yikes! Many people keep the ring, as it is a gift and is yours to keep. However, I know that were I in that situation, my instinct would be to give the ring back, because regardless of monetary value I would not want the memento around. I would never wear it, not would I ever be able to sell it, nor enjoy it, so the easiest thing would be to return it. It depends on how you feel about it, truly. To me the ring would not be worth fighting for.

Hmm, see with all this Asperger's anxiety and his depression going on and his refusing to call it off in person, and leaving me stranded, i feel as though I EARNED it...

Oh yes, I can definitely understand this. Of course you deserve to have it, there is no question of that. The question is whether or not you really want it, and what will you do with it? My personal feeling is I would not want a ring from my ex around - that has nothing to do with whether or not it is my right to keep it or if I earned it. I have a promise ring from my ex I never returned. I never look at it, never wear it, never enjoy it. I am happily married now and do not want it. I think it is really up to you. If you only want to know about etiquette, then I think it is yours to keep at least that is what I understand, but to me there's more to it than that....

I've been in a relationship on and off for 22 years. Our 7 yr old son has just been dx'd. When I started reading about aspergers I thought that alot of things sounded like me but then we all have traits but not to the extreme. I have always had friends and never had problems at school but since I got together with partner I have always put him first. The first year we were together alot but the relationship never seemed to move to the next stage. His reasoning was that real life isn't all mills and boon. When I wanted to spend more time with him he wanted to spend more time on hobbies. Then our friends started getting married but partner was never ready and we split up a few times. He always came back after a few weeks. Once he had been out with someone else and I took him back. We hadn't even lived together properly. 10 years ago I decided enough was enough and I wanted to find someone to marry and have children with. We split for a couple of months and then he kept ringing everyday for 2 weeks promising that we would marry and have children. We have 2 children now but the arguments can be really heated between us and he never committed to marriage. I feel I am not allowed a point of view. If I don't agree with something he is saying then I am not allowed to express an opinion and am told to shut up (in stronger language). He is like this with his mum and sister also.
I admit I am a nag. Since the children were born partner would go to pub 3/4 nights a week. When I said we needed to spend more time together I was told we go on holiday together. He is under alot of pressure at work at the moment and I am now looking to go back to work part-time now the children are in school.
About a month ago he decided that he didn't love me anymore and that we should finish. Every time I try to speak to him about it I am told there is no point in talking about it as it's done. But he is still in the house saying he is just making sure that he is making the right decision. This gave me the impression there was still a chance. We are going on holiday on Saturday (but it is just for the kids) and then he is leaving. When Son was diagnosed my partner said we should just ignore the diagnosis. A few weeks ago he said he knew there was a reason he didn't want children. He drinks alcohol 7 nights a week. Now every argument from the last 22 years have come up when I try to talk to him. I am sorry to waffle on but I am so emotional at the moment and when he sees me cry it just makes him mad. I feel that that last month has been mental torture.

My husband of 37 years, says that marriage shouldn't change the way you live. He said the same thing about having children, after we had three.

I'm new to this AS thing and I'm beginning to feel manipulated by his condition that he won't even accept. As usual I'm doing all the work and he's just doing his thing.

Whatever he has, I am suffering as a result. I seriously need to look at getting a separation. And moving closer to my kids.

I can't have any kind of serious conversation with him. He immediately starts making fun of everything and comparing it to something not even close to what I'm trying to say. It's so frustrating. If he brings up a serious subject, I have to agree with erverything or he gets snide and nasty and walks off.

I'm so glad I'm getting away, even three weeks will seem like heaven.

I'll be out of touch for at least a week and then I should be able to check in once a day.

God bless you all.

VickiB

My divorce from my wife was in 1992. From the start, she always had one foot outside of the relationship and she NEVER scrapbooked photos or made any effort, so all the effort of trying to keep it going was all my inspiration, and I was always diagnosed Bipolar back in those days and took 4 caps of Lithium Carbonate daily. She was my only one and I never strayed. She complained I was married to my art. But she strayed all over the place without me knowing a thing! It's a damn choke and burn, I tell you! But I got my AS official diagnosis May 16, 2006, with full knowledge of my lovely Anita who is thank God, 15 years younger than me, and she is ADD/ADHD and takes the basic same meds as I do! We are fine! I am not in the category for this thread, but this is the best that I can offer. On purpose as a learned thing, I always, ask myself, what can I do or pay attention to, pertaining to Anita and her daughters. So far so good. I want to get married, and so does she, but currently I am sole care provider for my mom in a wheelchair, and she is a bear, grouchy, and she has always, always chased away and alienated all my girlfriends and estranged my exwife, she is a Nazi Baptist, too. That's my mom, always trying to exhorsize me, what a crock! But here I am, after 35 years on my own, now she thinks she is taking care of me, because it's the instinct thing. And I am protecting her from my yuppie sisters who want to put her in a nursing home, Baker Act me (I am not violent, so there...) and sent my lovely cats to a cat Aushwitz deathcamp and liquidate the whole deal at the bank. I will NEVER succomb to my sister's, my Anita backs me up on that, and so help me, I am editing my mom's second book; I already published my mom's first book with an ISBN, and I take mom everywhere. So what the hell more can I do, except keep at it minute by minute here in hurricane Florida!