I have autism in my family. My youngest brother has always been the centre of attention because of it and my father displays signs of it too, but now it is I who is in the looking glass. I've always been described as strange, a freak, eccentric etc. but I never really understood why until my good mother-in-law looked up Aspergers on the internet. I've never understood or liked the whole idea of looking people in the eye whilst talking to them. I never managed to have friends beyond the stage of simple aquaintance. It's a miracle I got married. I now have a daughter and there have been many times where I really haven't understood what I'm supposed to do with her. There have been times where I've simply let her scream and it hasn't meant anything to me. Sounds horrible and it is, so I'm glad when I'm not like that, which is most days. I've suffered from depression for most of my life, but I haven't known it until about 2 years ago. I will say things in conversations which are inappropriate but I wouldn't have known unless someone told me. I have a fascination with patterns the number plates on cars, words and colours. I have chromagraphemic synesthesia, which means that I see words and numbers in my head in specific colour co-ordinated order. I want things to be in timelined orders; this and this on that day, and that and that on that day, etc. If this is disturbed or changed I get frustrated and angry. I like to invent languages and alphabets and I'm good at art, in fact, my parents want me to start up my own company painting people's animals, but the social bit of any job scares me and makes me feel sick and small. I've always thought myself inferior to most people and like I can't interact with them on their own level. I stammer and stutter sometimes and forget my words and hold conversations in my head. If this sounds familiar to anyone, please tell me because I feel reallt quite lonely in this and I feel like I need a translator most days.
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