Hi, a hard one. Maybe you can let her know that a 21 yr. old has an autism spectrum disorder, just say Aspergers so maybe she'll be more convinced. Tell her its not a terrible thing to have. Tell her she can email me if she wants... herding123@yahoo.com

Kris

Your daughter sounds a lot like my son. How do you discipline her when she hits you? My son doesn't hit, but has plenty of other inappropriate behaviors. Have you tried behavior modification?

We have a 15YO son who is very similar, add to that male hormones, and it's a real nightmare at times, yet at others it is smooth sailing.

We had an incident this morning, where he punched me, full force and connected with my shoulder blade, which is now quite bruised.

I had to pin him to the floor with my knee, to his screams and accusations of us trying to kill him etc, yet our actions are always to protect him from himself, and to protect our 2 younger daughters, who were somewhat freaked out by all this, safe.

He locked himself in the bathroom for the next 3 hours, and is now in bed sleeping it off, mind you, his goal was to get out of school today, and he has won that fight so to speak.

it leaves the house in a state of egg-shells, everybody treads carefully for a few days, often weeks, until we can find normality.

We have him on Prozac, however he refuses to take it. We had an incident last week as well, but in public at the Psych's office, but we can go months without incident as well.

This may not help you with your daughter, but just be aware you are not alone out there.

Rgds

M66

Kris, thanks - I like the idea of just saying "Aspergers" and not splitting hairs over the exact term. And thanks for the offer of email support for my daughter, that was very kind.

Hi Jakes12, thanks for replying. We have tried a lot of punishment and reward styles of discipline without much success. Now we are trying some of the ideas in the book "Parent Effectiveness Training" and that has been helpful. Basically, we don't really do punishments now because our relationship was deteriorating with our daughter and punishment was just further eroding that. She has outbursts that seem uncontrollable and I truly believe they are, so we treat it like you might a Turret's person that swears or such.

I just wish she would accept that she has this and get either or both of therapy and medication. It seems like Concerta and Zoloft are helpful from what I have seen here. She did try Concerta for a while and it seemed to help. Then we had her on anxiety medication (Buspar) for a while (she was afraid to go to the bathroom on her own until about two years ago).

Now the anxiety is not as bad but she just doesn't seem motivated to do anything really, so I worry about her.

Hi M66 - thanks for the support, yes it does really help to know that others go through this too! I have a 13yr old son, so I know what you mean about siblings being freaked out by all of this. He is kind of used to it now, but at this age it's an embarrassment to him (you know how middle school is).

I tried explaining it all to him once when he was about 11, but I don't think he really got it and of course he kind of threw it back in his sister's face (ugh!)

You probably know about that dreadful feeling when your whole family is invited places I'll bet - we wonder if we can get our daughter to even go, and if she will wig out and demand to leave, look at the food in disgust (she only eats very specific things), etc. Sometimes everything goes great, but not that often. Now she is at least old enough to stay at home alone sometimes, and that has been helpful.

I had to give up on my idea of what a family is and it was hard (she is 14 and I have just recently come to this conclusion). We don't have very many family outings, but we do divide and conquer a lot with one of us each taking one child somewhere. That has worked out well.

I'd be interested how other families deal with that, or if they have the same kind of issues.

nlddad, we solved the family outings, everybody comes to our place, we have set our house up as a great socializing area, and his "friends" are more than happy to come to our place and play xbox, or have a swim etc, and so it's not an issue. My wife loves to entertain, is a great host, and an amazing cook, so all our adult friends are more than happy to gather at our place too, it leaves the house in a hell of a mess at times, but that's a small price to pay.

M

I'm very much against drugging kids, so you will never get that kind of advice from me,I have had very bad luck with the med's with my self and my daughters. Does she have any interests,Martial Arts are good for learning control, self awareness and discipline,as well as fun .It is just recommended that the classes are small.Maybe some serious ground rules,and changes in habits,like no food out of the kitchen or dinning room,Of course not all at once but over time,to much change at once can overwhelm.Then work on the messy room.My twins are very set in their ways. they have a place for every thing and every thing in its place. things out of place makes them go crazey

My son used to hit, I suppose use to hit isn't quite right. My son is into video games, I try to use that as a reward system for his good behavior. He also earns bagages, so far for not hitting he has earned two, at four months each. He is very proud.I have more to this story but later. As for now try to tell her she only have so much time and remind her of the time or get a timer, but place this up high. Pratice this with small things first. Like brushing teeth, or t.v. It's going to be hard, and you will feel like giving up alot, but keep going.I cryed tears after he went to bed for six months till one day I he responed. And I'm not saying she won't continue to hit. Last year for us was a very bad year.
I know this sounds weird, but study your daughter. Find out what sets her off and what she will react to.
got to go now. Hang in there.

your daughter sounds very much like i was when i was really ill, it is funny really bacause it was around the same age that i was suffering the very same sort of symptoms. if she wants to talk to me or and me on myspace she is more than welcome. my msn is oliverhanson@hotmail.com and my myspace is http://www.myspace.com/madhatteroli
i like talking to people who are younger than me because they are usually going through or doing the same as i did when i was younger.

All I can offer is for you to add me as a friend so you can access my journal and keep learning. She sounds like me when I was 14. My last birthday was 11/11 and I am older than you, I am 57, now.

As far as the fed gov't soc sec is concerned, there is no support for autism spectrum who are experienced and lucid. I am educated (understated) and was a corp middle manager for a graphics/pub/advertising dept for a manufacturing company. So I am in the real world. Your daughter is where I was at her age. Although I was a recognized artist plus my graphics career, I was always poor at conveying and interviewing, but great (when hired) to train and oversee in my immediate area of expertise and, heck, actually be a team leader plus a very loyal follower for the higher up staff.
See... autism (I don't give a damn what niche in the spectrum) is almost like schizophrenia and kids have to navigate through life like this. The narrow line is the violence factor. When autism types grow up and function, they are not violent. Unless you trap 'em like a raccoon. Adult schizophrenics are violent unpredictably. The gov't doles sums to schizophrenics in SSI/SSDI to obviously appease the situation to prevent more harm and violence. We don't have a small population like Canada with miles of psychiatric hospitals like they do. Consequently it's real real rough in the USA for people like me who can't get any of their own SSI/SSDI which I paid into, like everybody else in soc sec funds.

Look...schizo and autism perception to the sufferers is like navigating on LSD daily, 24/7. Try to imagine the necessary energies expended on a task. Then compound this task logistic with the many perceptual distortions as I described. Then stretch your imagination that on a good day or a bad day, we work twice as hard, worry twice as much, nurture jobs twice as much, quadruple check all arithmetic and algorithms, dammit plus we can succeed at certain tasks better than ordinary procrastinating bombastic normal neurological people (NT) like yourself based on the merits of autism symptoms.
Life is hell for you... but life is way way overtime expended hell for any autism types.
Many of us achieve expertise. Many of us are never diagnosed, but are just eccentric artists (focused vocations).
See...
Life is fun too! The ecstasy of mounting an art show for public with all the trimmings is not impossible. It's real big fun! But don't forget most artists are NT and must train their eyes to see as an artist should. With autistic artists, the converse is true. We must train our eyes to satisfy the NT. Make our art for the NT. I am gonna send you a hug, now with an "add me" request, then you add me and read my journal, plus show your daughter and I will send you links to my paintings on the web for you and your daughter to entertain and learn.
There's lots in life that is nice and fun and stimulating in a good way for autism types.
Please.

I am 60, think I have it AS, my son we think he does too, computer geek, he denies it, My wife thinks she may have it. none of us are diagnosed, just stumble thru life, somehow manage to survive? Augie

wow, your daughter sounds ALOT like me. i have both aspergers and NLD. well just talking to her may help. be prepared with a list of symptoms and point out to her the ones that she has.

yes, her being upset and rude is frusterating. try to rember that she doesnt no that she is doing it. wait for her to calm down, give her her space for a few minutes. then calmly explain what she did and explain what she should have done. and dont yell, that will just upset her.

as for helping her, treat her like a normal girl her age. but also try to rember that she does have NLD and it is harder for her. treat her just like you would any one else, but stay calmer with her. that might help her understand better.

all of this is working with me so it may help your daughter. message me with any other questions of concerns if you like.