I am feeling really confused and defeated by my anxiety right now. I'm not sure where to start with my story, but I guess I'll just say I have a lot of anxiety and not always sure what is making me anxious.
I have been in a catch-22 for years now, and I thought I finally found a fix, but it's just like every other time.
I love animals and have qualified for an emotional support animal, but actually doing it pushes me into a string of panic attacks of increasing severity. I have tried dogs, cats, and curently own fish. They fish I can handle, but they don't scratch that snuggle/love itch. It's weird because I have house/pet sat for numerous people, all different kinds of animals with little to no anxiety. I have lived with my parents as an adult and we have co-owned dogs that I have taken care of on my own just fine for as long as a month with complete comfort emotionally.
I have talked to my counselor and we came up with guinea pigs. I have owned them before, I am comfortable with their care. They are easy and snuggly. I have been judicious in my selection process as well. I found a good one at a rescue and reached out. I had a little anxiety talking with caregiver, but once she basically said that I could have him I couldn't breathe.
Since then I have been a little shakey, had a tight chest, tearful, seaty hands, you know the drill. I suddenly feel super pressured. No way out. It's the same I feeling I get any time I try to own a pet, and past experience tells me it isn't a feeling I can work through. I want to, but in the past it gets worse, not better.
The other side of the coin is that now I feel stuck. We have discussed meeting up in a couple days and I feel like I am locked in now, and all I want is to run. To gohst this lady. I feel terrible. I feel like I led her on. I feel like she'll judge me as a crazy person. We just talked a few hours ago and I was all gung-ho. Now I want to back out.
But, I feel like I should. I feel like I can already see the writing on the wall - this is going to go as well as every other time - and it will be misserable and counter productive for my mental health, as well as traumatizing for the pet.
I don't even know what I want right now. Encouragement to "be uncomfortable and do it anyway" just makes the voice inside me scream harder "I can't do this!" But walking away without try feels like I have bought into being a failure.
My 41 year old son has been homeless since Hubby stopped cleaning up his messes last Fall. He has, of course, continued bullying his father for financial support for the entire time since, but I have been proud of how well Hubby has stood his ground. I have not given my eldest son money since his early 30's. Long enough that he has quit asking. He still isn't asking for money --yet-- but the list...
What have those of you dealing with recent estrangement done to deal with your anger? What did you do to avoid sending your EC angry messages? Thank you.