Hello all. Im new here. I joined because Im feeling very anxious and depressed after my weekend took a horrible turn and basically undid all the hard work I've done within my relationship with someone I planned to have a very bright future with.
Trigger Warning for violence and a suicide attempt here.
My BF and I were with some friends drinking and we were all having a good time. We decided to go to a nearby bar. I bought one drink when we were there and after drinking it I had a frighteningly sudden shift in moods. Something triggered me but I don't know what. I don't even remember the shift. I ran out of the bar and tried driving away. My BF was chasing me and he said I was slurring my words. Luckily he took the keys out of the ignition but then I began running away from him screaming "you did this to me" (note that he had not done anything to me). Mind you, I do not recall any of this. As I was running away I started running towards the highway and attempted to jump off the overpass. Luckily he and his friend restrained me but I put him in such a horrible position because the cops were called by an onlooker and if they had gotten there while we were still there, they could have mistaken what was actually happening and thought my BF was harming me. It was all bad. To make matters worse, when we got home I began attacking him (biting, kicking and punching him). Mind you I'm 5'4 130lbs and he's 6'7 and over 200lbs.. and I was actually hurting him. I promise I've never been violent towards him or any other partner in my life. I've never even fought another girl. But I started attacking him, he said for over an hour but I don't remember any of it. I only slightly came to when one of the girls there grabbed me and punched me in the face (I don't agree with it but I know she was trying to protect him because he wouldn't lay hands on me). Apparently we fought but I only remember being punched. We were eventually separated but I redirected my anger towards her , just yelling vile things through the door. My BF was in a different room at this point and his roommates were trying to talk to me and ask me what happened but all I could say was that girl punched me. Eventually I was more calm and aware of my surroundings and one of the other girls there was trying to talk to me and see what had happened. I woke up the next day feeling horrible with this complete hole in my memory from the time of leaving the bar to getting home and fighting. I just don't know what happened. As I mentioned I was in a good mood earlier and I had been eating and drinking water too. I've also never been a violent drunk so none of that made sense. Some people thought maybe I had a panic/ anxiety attack that was enhanced with alcohol, some people asked if I was possibly drugged which makes sense (not necessarily roofied but slipped something that would cause that kind of paranoia). My boyfriend said he could tell I didn't recognize him and I don't even recall seeing him or feeling myself doing any of that. I'm not on medication and I didn't do any drugs that I'm aware of. The thing is, even at my most drunk state I have never gotten violent- I usually throw up, get sloppy, just kind of pass out or fall to the ground. I just want answers but I know it won't come easy or possibly at all. I'm struggling to make sense of what happened because it doesn't even feel like I could do that. And my closest friends were so confused because they said that was completely out of character.
But now I'm here trying to fix my relationship. I got a therapist right away to see if I could uncover any past traumas but beyond old relationship stuff and childhood anxiety and adoption there's nothing that I can see that could cause such a blackout rage. But all of that will take time. It's too late to do a drug test and the people I've talked to lately don't really believe that's what happened. Which actually makes me feel horrible because I feel like they think I'm that person. I'm trying to prove to my BF that I'm not that person but, understandably, he's traumatized from everything that happened. He said he loves me still but he needs time to process everything. And I completely understand but I'm so stressed because it was so out of the blue I wish he could remember all the good times before. We were literally planning to move in together in October and he says he still wants that but.. idk everything seems so bleak. He's the most amazing, caring person and part of me feels like, he doesn't deserve to deal with this. But also I keep thinking about how that wasn't me and was such an outlier to my entire personality. I'm so scared of losing him and I'm trying so hard to just get back on track for myself but even with all the encouragement from friends and what he tells me... I just feel like I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to try and act like nothing happened because I don't want it to seem like I think it was nothing. I also don't want to be too sad and have people think that things have changed so much that I'll be this sad, different person forever.
sorry this is so long.. I'm just struggling right now and I appreciate you for even just reading this.
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