i have ups and downs but more of the later recently. so attypical for me; i pride myself on not getting rattled under pressure. Work in a way stressful world (saving others) and in hindsight have had anxiety for years but have pushed through.
I think i kept amassing misserable situation after the next and lost it last year. Dropped into the woods for a week to hike with a 50lb pack and it helped a bit.
I think that last stress period led me to almost dying of what's affectionately called a "widow maker" blockage in my artery. Insurance actually denied my procedure saying i was too healthy. While i looked death in the eye, said FU, and walked away, this is when my anxiety took over. At first i thought i was 'decompressing' by not doing much. Then lazy. Then i got concerned. Made action plans. Went nowhere.
I have a history of kidney stones and need surgery to remove what i thought was a single large stone. Procedure was denied by my cardiologist due to me being on blood thinners. Recently found i > trippled my stone content possibly because of my heart-healthy diet which was high in something called "oxalate" (lovely sharp crystals plants use for defense). My urologist was fired for unrelated issues. I had to find a new doc but couldn't get in for 3 weeks. Was scared of chosing btwn a kidney and a heart attack so i tried to eliminate oxalate (Ox) from my diet. Ha!
there's no good data on what has or does not have Ox. tons of reports have errors (yes i can have kale, carrots, strawberries, no i can't, etc, etc). There's a peer-reviewed article that specifically speaks on the bad data out there. meanwhile i'm crying in a grocery store because i can't eat the measely few things i've taken to avoid stones in the first place. payment machine gets quirky and i punch it. I feel like such a heal and am so embarsed i won't go back.
I can't leave the bed. i'm irratated. i can't take action (which has been for months, just heightened now).
Meditation sometimes helps but 3x 20min/day and i'm still a wreck crying through my sessions. My psychologist (2 visits) pisses me off (jumps to f' all bad assumptions). He's not even an MD and wants me to try meds b4 other options. they take weeks to work if at all. seems like i should try something else like excersice first (though joint pain/stones challenge that).
Worse, i learned yesterday my health concerns may not be that bad and yet my mind is still racing. i can't sleep. i can't do anything.
Most scary is i've got so little to do at work now. I sometimes work 100hr weeks. I haven't opened mail in maybe a year. i got angry driving, zoned out, and was 'awoken' by a cop who likely saved my life but now i have a court date for wreckless driving and risk losing my driving license. My wife is a saint but i'm pretty sure i'm giving her anxiety with my irritability. i don't want this for me and certainly not for her.
I am making small steps to get small stuff done but the blizzard of issues never stops reigning down. i can't keep up and don't care to anymore but it just gets worse.
i'm just ranting. it helps. I gave up drinking (mostly) 18 months ago finding weed a better way to slow down at night. I stopped last month when things got rough with anxiety. I'm now wondering if i was self medicating and it was actually helping. May try a mild CBD just to test the waters.
Anyhoo, writing this down helps. Thanks inanimate white space for allowing me to degredate you. if you listened this far, thanks to you too. :|
Has anyone ever experienced blacking out from anxiety. yesterday I had a disociative attack and I dont know how to deal with it. I keep spiriling thinking about it and I just feel so embarrassed about how I looked and the episode. All I want to do is be invisable right now and I cant stop focusing on it. Sorry if im just rambling I just dont know if anyone has experienced that too.
I have recently been making lists and checking them off as they are completed. This is some way seems to minimize the amount of things on my plate.....does anyone else do this?