Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
I am reluctant to post after reading a great deal of the other postings and the fact that I can talk/write forever. I had to fill out that questionnaire before joining this community about what meds I had tried, and to be honest, I have tried so many that I've lost count.
I believe that I've problem experienced anxiety all of my life, but when i was younger, I just referred to it as my "adrenaline rushes". When I was younger, they did not interfere with my daily function of life.
When I turned 40, I had been with the same organization for 17 years making good money, and a single parent since I was 22 years old. Things began to change for me. I can remember my first "panic attack" but didn't know what it was and thought it was a brain tumor. But other things were also going on. I have a fear of doctors, and put off going, until I decided that what I was probably experiencing was menopause. Well that didn't set to well with the doctor......... she claimed I was "too young". The blood test would not confirm it either although I later found out that FSH levels are like a moving target. However, during this "routine" visit, my blood pressure was 210/115........ my heart rate was 132. I underwent every medical test known to man and there was no medical reason for the blood pressure. Because of the uncontrollable anxiety and panic attacks, I was put on medical leave from my job and sent to a Pdoc.
I was originally diagnosed with generalized anxiety and OCD. When nothing that PDoc did for me helped, he passed me on to someone else who diagnosed me as bipolar. OK. So I just wake up one morning and I'm BIPOLAR??? To make this long story short, after spending 2 years of not being able to leave my house in fear of panic attacks, not being able to function in the "outside" world, uncontrollable mood swings, and the unbearable anxiety, I asked again for the bloodwork for menopause. Well I'll be darn.......... most women's HIGHEST FSH levels upon completing menopause is about 70-80.......... my levels were 160!!! Specialists were called in.......... although they had seen it a few times before, it was nothing medically to worry about, but they agreed that my "mental issues" were probably quad-drupled during this time. WELL DUH!
Anyway, unfortunately, after completing menopause which is GREAT.......... the uncontrollable anxiety and frequent panic attacks got stuck. I live with it every day. I have had to change PDocs four times in five years because they keep moving on. Good thing I'm not paranoid schitzophrenic! I take 4 mgs of klenopin a day and a beta-blocker to not only help control the anxiety, but also control the blood pressure which is caused by the anxiety. It's a vicious circle. I was approved for disability thru social security three years ago.
As most of you with anxiety know, at least with me, when it's not disabling me, it makes me think, move and talk 100 mph. I woke up one morning and decided that I would not let this thing control me. I would control IT!
I started researching opening my own business. I pretty much knew my triggers and stay away from crowds, small unruly children, etc. Against the last Pdoc's advice, I followed my dream and started my own business. I was doing GREAT! Yes, I was still being haunted daily with the anxiety but the panic attacks were subsiding.
Four months after opening my boutique, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I had a new business to keep open AND be with my dad and help my mom.......... I am lucky (?) enough to be an only child. That was the first time that my anxiety served me well. I stayed grounded, but I was on top of everything at once and I never stopped moving. In 5 mos, I lost 50 lbs. We lost my dad in May. I was with him EVERY day and am SO THANKFUL for that. Now I have my mother to deal with. That's a whole nuther story and maybe what is causing me go backwards. I have the store; therefore, have guilt for not having enough time for her. She doesn't see it that way, but I do. I can't stop the guilt feelings. Every day she has had something break, gone wrong, lost something, forgot something, or something something.
In the last three weeks, my panic attacks are back. The anxiety never leaves........ it lives with me and I've accepted it. But the panic attacks are horrendous and is making it impossible to open my store every day. When I have one, I do all the fresh air breathing deep exercises, etc., but it doesn't matter. I'm sinking back to where I was and had worked so hard to get out of. When I have one, it leaves me "out of it" for about 3 days. I feel like crap and I'm nauseated, short-tempered, feel overwhelmed, have diarreah......... you name it.
I've gone to the ER twice in the last 3 weeks. I thought I had totally gone over the edge. I was out of control.
So I guess I'm not asking for any advice. I'm just sharing my story. I did well for myself, came a long way............ and now I'm slipping back and don't know what to grab to pull myself back up before I lose my store.
I'm looking for a new PDoc........ but even that's difficult. The one my regular doctor referred me to doesn't take my insurance, but not only doesn't he take my insurance, he won't even take payment in full with no insurance!!! I don't have the patience to "doctor shop". I'm at my wits end.
There is no end to this. I know I will lose my store. I sometimes wonder if I was put on this earth for a reason, what reason was it? And what the heck happened to my old life? I raised my kids, was making $72,000 a year, had great benefits, and doing fine........... and then WHAM! I'm knocked off my feet. Yes, I do believe the menopause magnified my anxiety (my "adrenaline rushes") and somehow during the process, it got stuck.
So............. that's my story. Don't mean to be a bummer to anyone who is doing better and controlling their own lives and destiny......... but now I know that even though you might get there, something might come along and knock you right back. Now I believe it's sort of like being an alcoholic....... once an alcoholic, always an alcholic. There is no cure. It's a hopeless feeling. And right now.......... I'm feeling pretty d*** hopeless.
I believe that I've problem experienced anxiety all of my life, but when i was younger, I just referred to it as my "adrenaline rushes". When I was younger, they did not interfere with my daily function of life.
When I turned 40, I had been with the same organization for 17 years making good money, and a single parent since I was 22 years old. Things began to change for me. I can remember my first "panic attack" but didn't know what it was and thought it was a brain tumor. But other things were also going on. I have a fear of doctors, and put off going, until I decided that what I was probably experiencing was menopause. Well that didn't set to well with the doctor......... she claimed I was "too young". The blood test would not confirm it either although I later found out that FSH levels are like a moving target. However, during this "routine" visit, my blood pressure was 210/115........ my heart rate was 132. I underwent every medical test known to man and there was no medical reason for the blood pressure. Because of the uncontrollable anxiety and panic attacks, I was put on medical leave from my job and sent to a Pdoc.
I was originally diagnosed with generalized anxiety and OCD. When nothing that PDoc did for me helped, he passed me on to someone else who diagnosed me as bipolar. OK. So I just wake up one morning and I'm BIPOLAR??? To make this long story short, after spending 2 years of not being able to leave my house in fear of panic attacks, not being able to function in the "outside" world, uncontrollable mood swings, and the unbearable anxiety, I asked again for the bloodwork for menopause. Well I'll be darn.......... most women's HIGHEST FSH levels upon completing menopause is about 70-80.......... my levels were 160!!! Specialists were called in.......... although they had seen it a few times before, it was nothing medically to worry about, but they agreed that my "mental issues" were probably quad-drupled during this time. WELL DUH!
Anyway, unfortunately, after completing menopause which is GREAT.......... the uncontrollable anxiety and frequent panic attacks got stuck. I live with it every day. I have had to change PDocs four times in five years because they keep moving on. Good thing I'm not paranoid schitzophrenic! I take 4 mgs of klenopin a day and a beta-blocker to not only help control the anxiety, but also control the blood pressure which is caused by the anxiety. It's a vicious circle. I was approved for disability thru social security three years ago.
As most of you with anxiety know, at least with me, when it's not disabling me, it makes me think, move and talk 100 mph. I woke up one morning and decided that I would not let this thing control me. I would control IT!
I started researching opening my own business. I pretty much knew my triggers and stay away from crowds, small unruly children, etc. Against the last Pdoc's advice, I followed my dream and started my own business. I was doing GREAT! Yes, I was still being haunted daily with the anxiety but the panic attacks were subsiding.
Four months after opening my boutique, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I had a new business to keep open AND be with my dad and help my mom.......... I am lucky (?) enough to be an only child. That was the first time that my anxiety served me well. I stayed grounded, but I was on top of everything at once and I never stopped moving. In 5 mos, I lost 50 lbs. We lost my dad in May. I was with him EVERY day and am SO THANKFUL for that. Now I have my mother to deal with. That's a whole nuther story and maybe what is causing me go backwards. I have the store; therefore, have guilt for not having enough time for her. She doesn't see it that way, but I do. I can't stop the guilt feelings. Every day she has had something break, gone wrong, lost something, forgot something, or something something.
In the last three weeks, my panic attacks are back. The anxiety never leaves........ it lives with me and I've accepted it. But the panic attacks are horrendous and is making it impossible to open my store every day. When I have one, I do all the fresh air breathing deep exercises, etc., but it doesn't matter. I'm sinking back to where I was and had worked so hard to get out of. When I have one, it leaves me "out of it" for about 3 days. I feel like crap and I'm nauseated, short-tempered, feel overwhelmed, have diarreah......... you name it.
I've gone to the ER twice in the last 3 weeks. I thought I had totally gone over the edge. I was out of control.
So I guess I'm not asking for any advice. I'm just sharing my story. I did well for myself, came a long way............ and now I'm slipping back and don't know what to grab to pull myself back up before I lose my store.
I'm looking for a new PDoc........ but even that's difficult. The one my regular doctor referred me to doesn't take my insurance, but not only doesn't he take my insurance, he won't even take payment in full with no insurance!!! I don't have the patience to "doctor shop". I'm at my wits end.
There is no end to this. I know I will lose my store. I sometimes wonder if I was put on this earth for a reason, what reason was it? And what the heck happened to my old life? I raised my kids, was making $72,000 a year, had great benefits, and doing fine........... and then WHAM! I'm knocked off my feet. Yes, I do believe the menopause magnified my anxiety (my "adrenaline rushes") and somehow during the process, it got stuck.
So............. that's my story. Don't mean to be a bummer to anyone who is doing better and controlling their own lives and destiny......... but now I know that even though you might get there, something might come along and knock you right back. Now I believe it's sort of like being an alcoholic....... once an alcoholic, always an alcholic. There is no cure. It's a hopeless feeling. And right now.......... I'm feeling pretty d*** hopeless.
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
it isnt easy not being able to get out and about and everything else that goes with it. im the same with the going to ER at one stage i was going every other day with a new terrifying syptom, i get depressed about it because like you my lifes passing me by and i am doing nothing with my life its horrible.
Im sure you will gain control of this again....i just hope you can do it in time to save your store, it seems such ashame that this has happened again. but please remember YOU DDI IT ONCE, YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN!
Maybe and i pray for you in time to save your store good luck xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
you are not alone in what you deal with.
i'm only 24, have never even had the chance to work a real job..have no friends offline..and don't leave the house much, unless i have to.
i am not sure that you will have this for the rest of your life, but in one aspect, you are lucky that it came on later in life.
not saying..it's nice to deal with..not at all..just that, you have been able to experience things in life, so you know that things once were okay..and they can be again at some point.
i would not give up on getting treatment for this.
have you ever looked into natural therapies?
have you tried figuring out what might have triggered all of this, aside from hormonal issues?
i wish i could give you some advice, but i still struggle myself..and i am not sure what i can say to help.
just keep searching..hold on to all of the good years you have had, and hopefully that will keep you motivated to keep fighting this.
i know it's discouraging and hard..
hang in there
Yes I have experienced life for years without the disabiling anxiety and panic attacks for the most part. Remember........... I did have what I called "adrenaline rushes", but they didn't slam me to the wall. But......... WAS it a good thing or a bad thing in retrospect that I lived a life that I can no longer return to? I'm not a philospher and I'll talk in riddles, but on one hand I should be more open and feel "appreciative" that I DO know that it's like to live on that other side......... BUT to pay the devil's advocate, is it a good thing? It's like holding a carrot in front of a horse............ I can see it, smell it, know it's there, know what it tastes like, but I can no longer be that person anymore. I don't which is worse. For those of you that have had been broken by it all of your life may drool at the thought of living just a day without it........... but ya know what? IF you get that ONE day, when it's over, you're left shattered and broken wanting so bad to have it again. What happens to you then? What happens to me now?
I won't give up hope for good days............ but I do know that I will never be rid of this thing. It's now part of me, and I have to just go with the flow. I don't want to lose my store, but if that should happen, it won't be from lack of fighting. It won't keep me from doing other things. I guess it's all related...... I've been like this since I was a child where I like to do a lot of different things and not just one. Now, needless to say, i have a bad habit of not finishing the first thing before I start the next, but there are things I will do if I should lose my store.......... once I get passed the depression of losing it. With this enhanced anxiety also came creativity. I never had a creative bone in my body until all this started. Are any of you creative? Is that a reward for disabiling me with anxiety and panic attacks??? I'll ebay, or I have stores asking me to decorate, I make gift baskets to sell, I make all sorts of stuff to sell. I will just go back to that, I guess. But I will NOT sit here and feel sorry for myself again. The first time was one thing, I was dealing with hormonal issues, although I was told I wasn't, but the later found out I was. That would depress anyone. What the heck is wrong with doctors? Tell a woman she's not hormonal, but bipolar. Boy did that send me into a tailspin.
As for the "natural" way of trying to control this. I have a herbal practitioner two doors down. She wants to try a few things, but I won't do it while i'm on on the Klenopin and I'm not about to stop taking that. Plus as long as I'm on it, she won't give me anything anyway. I have been doing her YOGA classes.......... for almost a year.
Yes, "I might have done it once and can do it again".......... but what's the point? Why work so hard to overcome it and try to start a new life with it riding like a monkey on your back, and then the panic attacks and the worst of the anxiety happen again? It's like watching the movie, "Groundhog's Day".
And yes, I've been thru counselors, etc., to try to see what triggered all of this to begin with minus the hormones. They don't know. The counselors tell me it seems that I have "dealt" with everything in my past. Most believe it's heriditary. Yes my mom experiences it too, she just never received help for it or took medication. I believe it all started as a small child. I have a wonderful mother, and I was an only child, but I always felt like I was walking on eggshells around her. I've diagnosed myself as to the root of the trigger. If I spent most of my childhoood, walking on eggshells because i never knew if what I was doing was wrong or right in her eyes (it's still like that), then wouldn't that produce anxiety? She suffers it....... and was never treated for it. It was either heridary or it was due to the way I was raised. Don't get me wrong, I had a wonderful childhood, but with her, I stayed cautious when I made decisions, when I did or said something, etc. I still do to this day.......... but at least now I'm an adult. I may be an adult, but I'm still no mind reader. I can say something to her one day and what I say is fine, but let me say the same thing the next day and she goes off on me. It's hard to explain without making her out to be a bad guy and she's not. My mother means the world to me, but she has her own set of issues.
THAT is what I think triggered it as a child..... and life events just kept adding in. Like a glass of water........ it's half full and you keep adding another spoonful thru the years, eventually that water is going to overflow.
I do think that the hormonal issues was the deal breaker. It took what I already had, enhanced it, and sent me spinning. Something happened during that process where all the chemicals live and thrive, and they got all out of whack. BECAUSE I have lived a life before, at first I was knocked flat, but I had lived a life before, and was determined I would again. I remember for those 4-5 years, I kept asking "Where am I? What happened to my life? I want it back!"
Guess what? It's not coming back. What I knew as "life" is no longer in reach. I just have to make changes........... AGAIN........... and IF I lose the store that I worked so hard for, I will continue to do things, but to always remember this experience and not do something that can be long term. A five year lease is long term. Spending tons of money to open a beautiful store is long term. If I lose it......... everything I do from then on out will be SHORT term. BUT......... they key word is "everthing I do".......... because this thing will NOT flatten me again. I refuse to let that happen. Let the panic attacks come....... let them leave me weak and sick for a few days............ that's okay.......... when it's over, I'll just get back up.
There's no point in wishing it all never happened...... that's just wasted energy. It DID happen, the stars aren't lined up right or something......... LOL. But the fact is, it DID happen, and I'm broken and I can't be fixed. It's now my life.
I have not given up on getting treatments for this. i have emailed our local chapter for anxiety. But what I don't want is to start all over again and again with different doctors and they each have to hear the story, yadda yadda yadda and then they want to try this drug and that drug, etc. I don't want to start the vicious circle again of either the new pill is like taking an aspirin or it makes my hair fall out. I just don't want to go thru all that again.
What I want is a doctor that will REALLY listen......... listen a few days before pulling out a prescription pad. Listen and watch what I experience over at least a two week period. LISTEN when I tell him every single drug I've already tried.
And I want to join a support group. Not the kind where I have to watch folks counting the ceiling tiles, but just the ones that are just like me. Just like y'all. I don't need to be aound a bunch of other folks who are dealing with other health issues. That will just make me worse.
So yes, I am seeking and seeking to find help.
Again, thanks to all of you who have read all this babble. Believe me........... I can talk much more than I type. I've told my doctor that I'm going to be his first case of "human cumbustion". Unless I've had a panic attack or the anxiety is on the bad side, I never slow down. Im like Bewitched when she would twinkle her nose and clean her house in fast forward. But there are times when I am moving and thinking so fast that I feel like the Tazmanian Devil...... and that is when I feel like I'm going to human cumbust. My stupid brain sometimes just won't STOP. It just keeps on tickin' faster than I can keep up with. I have lists on top of lists. Someone on here mentioned a book. A book???? How does anyone here actually READ a book? I try to read a magazine and i've read the same line 100 times because my brain and thoughts kept interrupting. There is no such thing as "focus". That flew out the window a long time ago. I now have a part-time girl at the store that is wonderful at keeping me organized. However, when I have her working with me....... I have to slow her down. She's moving on doing things with me, and I try to make her understand that I have to FOCUS on what she's doing. If she's just doing it and getting ahead of me, and not giving me that focus time, there's a trigger right there for me!
I just have a whole backyard of triggers! If I had sandbox, I'd be picking up all my toys and going home because i am sick to death of this game!
I hope you all are at least trying to have a nice weekend. And thanks again!
I'm just sick about the whole thing. "Just when I thought it was safe to go back into the water". I have no idea what triggered those three episodes. There was no rhyme or reason for it. In fact, the one I had on Wednesday morning, I actually WOKE up having it! Somehow I managed to get myself dressed and to the store.
I can't own a store, be closing every time you turn around and still expect to pay rent.
No, it own't control me........ but when it happens, I have no control over how I feel for several days afterwards as it is actually physical illness. I have to get those first few days and then start fighting back and I'll never stop fighting.
If I have to close my store, as I've said before, there are alot of things I can do and been offered. They are things that I can do at home and/or at my own pace. One thing I know that is a trigger for me is being on a deadline. I can meet the deadline and stay on top, but it causes "hidden" stress although I feel like I'm coping well. Once that deadline is met, HELLO PANIC ATTACK.
So I know that I'm better off doing "different things" and hit & miss things. Not being chained to a store where I have to be around people all the time. It was a hard lesson to learn...... and I expect going to be a costly one.
I won't quit fighting, but I do now know my limitations........ and no one can convince me that I don't have limitations. I just learned it. It can sneak up on you at any time. It's like it's just sitting there watching and waiting to jump when you least expect it. I wish it were something I could get my hands on to choke the life out of! LOL! It just makes me so angry. I will never stop asking the question, "Where did it come from????????" I can guess, a doctor can guess, etc., but does anyone really know??? Was I born with it? Was it lurking all those years? I raised two children ALONE, worked as an HR professional for 17 years...... got those kids raised and it was time for me to start a new journey in life and enjoy it.......... not be fighting anxiety and panic attacks, for pete's sakes.
I came a long way, and I have not drifted all the way back to where I was. And I know I won't. I won't let it. I can't stop the disabling anxiety or the disabling panic attacks, but I can and I will continue to live my life. Not to be redundant, but I have the anxiety every day........ it's a part of me, a part of my personality now............ but it's the DISABLING anxiety that gets me but the meds usually help with keeping that at a minimum. It's these panic attacks that are trying to ruin me......... and i won't let that happen. It might force me to close down the store, but it will NOT control my life.
I can relate to what you're saying. A few comments:
1. You ARE lucky to be an only child.
2.Why is it that we, the ones with drive and motivation, are hit with setback after setback?
How many people would love to sit and collect disability-and you're trying to accomplish and you're hit from every side. I can relate.
3. As spiritual as I like to think I am, God and I have quite a few heated discussions about my life's purpose.
4. Doctors drive me insane. If you're not crazy before you see a Pdoc, you will be in due time.
5. You and I are similar in that we research and Doctors HATE that. I wanted a colon screening because of chronic abdominal pain and My Doc told me "You don't have that done until you're 50." Ohhhh-Wonder if Katie Courics husband was told that by HIS Doctor. He died of colon cancer in his early 40s.
Just hang in there and find comfort that you are not alone.
Mark
And there are probably hundreds of thousands of millions sitting back collecting a disability check. THAT is EXACTLY what I fought against. When I first went out on leave at work, I was put on their private disability. After being on it for 6 mos, their policy FORCED me to apply for Social Security. I applied........ no big deal....... I knew I wouldn't get approved anyway. Lemme tell you when the letter of approval came in the mail with a check, that threw me into DEPRESSION! I couldn't believe i was in such a mental state that Social Security approved me the first time, and didn't even require me to see their doctors.
I'm very much a "people" person......... and extrovert. But NOT when suffering severe anxiety or several days after a panic attack.......... I'm quite the opposite. In the last few weeks I've had customers asked me if I were alright....... that I looked tired and/or non-responsive. Not my "happy go lucky" self.
I decided to add a picture to my profile today. That picture was taken at a surprise 40th birthday party in a crowded bar. That picture represents a lot of things to me. It was my life BEFORE. In fact, I cropped it all out, but if you could see the entire picture, I had gone into the restroom at the bar. I have to admit, the floor was sticky and the bathroom was yucky, but other than the fact that I was thinking "yuck", i really gave it no thought. When I came out, camera flashes were going off on me. I was, um, sort of in the men's room. LOL! In the full picture, you can see it clear as bell on the door.
So I guess that's why I chose that picture to add. It was my old life.......... ya know............ the one that I know I will never see again. BUT those times inspire me, it raises my expectations of myself. I now know without a doubt that I AM disabled, but I'll be darn if I'll set home, eat bon bons, watch Dr. Phil and the soap operas, and talk about the neighbors. No way, no how.
Something else that gets me. I know that years and years ago, mental illness was a stigma. Many women were put into mental hospitals. Some never came out unless they had a man (husband, father) to take custody of them (see? Done my research!). Things have come a long way, but ya know what? There is still a HUGE stigma........... where health insurance is concerned, where life insurance is concerned (yes I was even turned down for life insurance because I have anxiety...... go figure........ am I going to die from it???)...... and from private disability companies. My employers private disability company would have carried me INDEFINITELY if it had been a "MEDICAL" disability, but because it was classifed as "MENTAL", it was only for 2 years. There are friends and acquaintances that I meet that will say things like "get a grip" or "you can get over it". What the hell is wrong with these people? If I could "get a grip" or "get over it", do they not know that I would've done that by now????
I was in a department store a few months ago and there were to ladies shopping. One was on one side of the department and one on the other. All of a sudden, one of them YELLED........ OMG I'M HAVING A PANIC ATTACK to the other one. I RAN over to that woman to try to help her thru it. She wasn't having a "panic attack"..... she saw the price of something and used it as a metahor to her friend on the other side of the department. Needless to say, I don't think she'll ever do that again because I lit into her. Panic attacks are REAL and they are nothing to be used as "joke".
Yep, "mental illness" as much as I hate the word, is still very much a stigma in society. It angers me.
Too bad I'm not much into politics or I might just start a march in DC. LOL!
i researched things to try to figure it out myself.
most of what i found out, ended up being true..so..i don't think it did much harm.
unfortunately, i am one who is on disability. i have been since i was 18...
my anxiety has taken over my life, so i cannot work..
i get an idea to do something in life, and it goes ok for a few days, until the anxiety sets in..then out the window it goes..
days like today esp. makes it hard to even be around anyone..so i stay in my room a lot.
and unfortunately, it does take seeing a lot of counselors/dr.'s, to find one you click with.
i started seeing people at 14, and it took me 8 or so years to find someone who i felt 'got me' to some degree...
still doesn't make it easy though, because i feel like i need an army of people around me, to help through the times of crisis...and it just doesn't exist like i wish.
and of course, sometimes i can't even be around people, so what good would that army do me then...