I hope your illness is in remission and that you are gaining strenght.

I don't know if I can relate but I too was in a position of being told I might have cancer. Although it didn't turn out that way the experience cause me significant mental trauma. I have since suffered from health anxiety to a point of panic. I too am a loner who believe my current mental condition prevents me from interacting with others. I say this only to let you know where I'm coming from.

I know it's a cliche and all but you really have to take it one day at a time. Sometimes an hour at a time. After all you've gone through it's understandable why you want to withdraw. After suffering so many setbacks a person sometimes feels that by withdrawing they will no longer suffer any more misfortune. Add to that the rejections and it's easy to see how you feel. Feelings of ugliness and low selfworth are unfortunate affects of our own internal feelings. If you can find periods of time where you can allow yourself some quite time, where you can quite your mind and allow yourself to experience quiteness and calm. Allow your body to relax and enter a meditative state, if for brief periods. Learn to have quite periods where you mind is calm and quite.

Eventually start to go out more. Start by taking walks to the front sidewalk and linger there for awhile. Take short trips to a store or to get some essential items. Don't hurry or rush but allow yourself to walk slowly all the while breathing slow deliberate breaths. Allow youself to linger in those public places for as long as you can. Listen to the conversation going on around you and watch the activities going on around you. Do this every other days and for longer walks. Linger from time to time to experience things that make you happy. When comfortable enough you may want to make conversation with the clerks. Nothing heavy just to say 'hello' and ask how their day is going. Work from that standpoint, expanding as you get comfortable.

Make some friends over the internet, converse often, the internet allows you to be who you are. Take precautions not to give out personel information or your address. Maybe once your comfortable doing that you'll feel better about talking to someone in person.

Contact your local health department or, if you have a university close by, check out 'outpatient' services for mental health.

You'll be okay. Each day is a chance to get a little better. It doens't have to be a lot, just a little. After awhile the littles add up to alot. At the beginning of every hour stop and tell yourself that you are worth loving and mentally list 4-5 things that are worth loving you for.

Be your own cause.

HTH.

That is quite a story. I have to say if I had a brain tumor, I might be a little depressed and anxious too. My sister is waiting for a heart transplant and I know that there is a special site for people waiting or in recovery to find support from eachother. I forget what it's called but I'm sure you can google it... I know it has really helped her to be able to connect with others that truly understand all that she is going through right now. As for treatment... you shoudn't have to wait... check out http:/goodtherapy.org they have a free international psychologist/psychiatrist search engine. I'm sure you could find someone else who is available in your area.

Good luck with everything... you are in my prayers
-Greta

Wow that is quite a story. You've been through a lot. I'm not sure I could handle all of that. If you ever need to talk feel free to contact me. Hang in there. You've been through more than most people and you have come back from more than most people ever will.

Hmmmm - Let's do the math

We're now 34

Had brain cancer for 8 years = 26

Before that in the armed forces 5 years = 21

Social worker 3 years = 18

college 3 years =15

Meaning graduated from High school at 14. (I was in University at age 14 after graduating from Grade 13 high school so I can be too doubtful !)

At 34 years old kicked out of a seniors apartment. What a surprise !

C'mon Nothernchick either give it hard shake or write a troll that makes some kind of sense.

I want to write this email to clarify to KC & the rest of the group my life story. I am still fairly new to this chatline & came here for support not for criticism. If you wanted more info on me all you had to do was ask KC before you passed judgement on me like that. I wouldn't normally even reply to such an accusitory email but i feel some clarification is necessary. I was in the Cdn Armed Forces Reserve Section at the age of 15 going on 16 while still in highschool. My mom had to sign the dotted line so that in order for me to be accepted. I worked every night and every weekend while still attending school. By Grade 11 I had put so much time in that they set me at a class B level. (between reserve & regular forces) I graduated gr 13 (barely) and got and honourable discharge from the military, mostly because i realized i didn't want that lifestyle any longer. I signed up for college (gerintology & general social work) for 3yrs. While still in college i was hired before i graduated (because i was the only honours student of that class) and picked up the rest of my classes at night so as to get my diploma. So while in college i was working at an agency for troubled youths. After 3yrs of that i was already burned out so i quit. I still wanted to be a cop though & instead of the regular courses for security training i went a different direction. Army 1st, social work to gain an understanding of what probable mindset the criminals might have. So after leaving that job i moved 3000miles away from home so as not to be personally close with any potential criminal. I was 2 wks away from testing & training for a childhood dream of being a police officer when i got a death sentence instead. (another part of my life story anyone can feel free to ask about.) I had 2 surgeries to my scull called Medulloblastoma. I've had 6 more surgeries relating to complications of my medullo (mb we call it) & 2 more cancers that may or may not be related. I had just turned 27 when properly diagnosed. I am now a couple of months shy of turning 35. I had a bad family upbringing with lots of poverty thrown into the mix and i swore not to follow in those kind of footsteps, which is why i was so active at the time... Math was never one of my strong subjects btw...
Hope this helps. I know it can be difficult to show true emotions or feelings or even full stories on an email. I try not to rush to any conclusions though right off the bat right away now. My own mental stories of my life are so jumbled now that maybe i don't write them for other people but for myself & how i see them...
Take care all, Northerchick...

Sorry you got picked on like that. You responded beautifully.

My mental capacity is not up to it's previous state any longer & it's late for me, but i know that i won't get to sleep until i answer the last topic about the seniors centre that i left out of that last email i wrote... I wasn't planning on trying to move into a senior's centre or anything. It was just that i didn't have many friends any longer & the ones i did have worked during the day. I haven't been able to work for a very long time now. I have however volunteered at the cancer centre here (because i could empathize & also for myself too as i would actually be there in case of a reocurrance, which is my reality.)for a few yrs & left because i needed to distance myself from my own reality a little more than i was. In an effort to make some new friends (there is a senior's centre just down the street from where i live)i just sort of walked in & joined a card game. I had forgotten that i needed to sign in before doing something like that. (remember i used to be in gerontology & volunteered at a few of the senior homes) The nurse had come back into the room and freaked out. I went to her office and explained my situation thinking that she would be more understanding & would want/need more volunteers just to spend time with her patients, but no, she simply asked me to leave thinking that i was some sort of freak or something. Truth is i seem to get along better with senior's. Probably because i have a lot of the same problems now that they have and can empathize with them. Anyways, thanks again for listening, i hope my thoughts are not too jumbled to understand as it is late... Northernchick

Hi Northernchick,

I am so sorry for all you've been through. I am also really angry at the way Kcbythesea responded to your post. Your reply to her was excellent.

Kcbythesea, this board is a place to offer support and understand. You are out of line.

I have a friend who lives at a senior's center. She was born with some problems so she needs a walker and has very bad eyesight. She's in her early 20s and is pretty cool, but I can't imagine she gets on with her neighbors well. heh.

And hey, your mental capacity seems just fine. You're very well spoken and explain yourself very well. Better than most people anyways, that's for sure.