I am feeling very nervous today and dont know why. I ffel like I'm going to cry but I cant. I think its because I feel trapped, inside my apartment and trapped in my life. I am remembering that today is May4th and 44 years ago, 4 students were shot just down the road from me at Kent State. I wasnt there in 1970(arrived in 1972) but for some reason i look back at my college days and feel a great loss. The loss that depression and anxiety robbed me of my life. Maybe because it is Sunday and I'm mad at God for putting me thru this torture. I pray to him but i get no answer. Maybe because I saw a picture of my family posted enjoying a party fo KENTUCKEY dERBY AND i HAVENT SPOKEN TO THEM IN OVER A YAER. Maybe i m just hungry and tired and wish this was all over. I feel bad because i wasted my past and im wasting my present by worrying. The future looks bleak for me and i am feeling very scared and hopeless. Im probably ranting but I feel the need to get this out even if it doesnt make sense I just need to see it in writing. Do you know what I mean? I havent been to any high school or college reunions and I just feel like Im floating out here in no mans land just waiting to die.All the dreams I had when i was in high school and college have been smashed and i have nothing to hold onto. I feel like I have no past and no future. I just really feel spacy today, light-headed and faint. My mind wont turn off. Im sorry Im rambling now. Im gonna go lay down and maybe everything will be ebteer when i wake up.
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