When it wrecks my day, prevents me from pursuing my goals, doing what I need to improve my life, I've felt like I can handle it. It's my problem. It's my fault anyways.
Now it's hurting my partner. ...I'm hurting him. I'm falling into bad patterns and letting anxiety control how I behave towards him.
I've never been great with emotions (white, Anglo, Canadian settler background. We're fluent in sarcasm rather than feelings) and my talking about feelings makes me anxious. My partner gets frustrated because I'm not being honest. Because my reluctance to accept help is actually resulting in me getting frustrated, lashing out, and starting fights with him rather than confronting my issues.
And now I'm wondering if he'd be better off without me.
I want to do better. I have to do better because it's not like this will be magically fixed if I'm single or in a different relationship. I'm afraid that I'm too broken. Too much work. Too much baggage.
I descend into misery if he points out that I'm not dressed appropriately for something (I'm chronically underdressed out of a general feeling of if I don't try then I can't be disappointed when I inevitably look horrible). He then helps me find something that looks good. Fits the situation. And makes me feel confident. I have a great time and yet... there's that moment of "f### off this is as good as it's going to get." Same thing goes if I'm trying to cook something, or write a cover letter. I meet suggestions with anger and denial.
Letting him help, let alone even asking for help... I want to lash out. Push away until he gives up.
Hi all. I'm in need of some encouragement tonight. I've been having a really bad episode of panic and anxiety for about two months now, to the point where it is debilitating. I am doing so much to feel better, like SO MUCH, and spending so much money on therapy and acupuncture and herbs and neurofeedback and it just feels like it is taking so long to feel better. I'm so tired and frustrated. I'll...
Hello, all. Would anyone mind sharing how the journaling part of this works?