This will be long and I'm sorry if I am saying more than I should but I feel like I have to say it all so it can be understood. When I was 11 I was molested by my neighbor. I started trying to kill myself from the age of 15 till I had my first son. Not a very good childhood but it could have been worse. I wasn't beaten just verbally abused. I hated my stepfather with a passion. When I was 17 I was raped for the first time. I was drugged. There have been 4 other times that I was raped call it date rape because I was too scared to stop them even though I said no. My first husband raped and beat me and used drugs. I married him when I was pregnate with my first son (whom I didn't know if was a rape baby or not until he was born) I had a nervous break down when I turned 18. My little brother died when I was 19. I have had panic attacks since I was about 17. There is more but I dont' think I can type it all. My life at the present is good (too bad I live in the past) I am totaly scared of death. My kids are great my husband now is great. My husband is epileptic though and has grand mal seizures about once a year and it scares the crap out of me. After he has one I go into what seems like perma panic mode for weeks. It is soo stressful to see him having one and I have flashbacks for so long. It totaly distrupts my life in more ways than one. Then you add to it that I have to get a job which is hard enough by itself. What me go on an interview? Have someone judge me? I have lived here for a year now and I haven't made any friends because I am too scared of what they are going to think of me so I don't socialize. It could be worse, I am able to go places like grocery shopping and stuff thats realy not hard. But the thought of looking for a job starts a panic attack. I didn't used to be this way. I was so outgoing, ok granted I was super shy but I would pretend to be someone else and I was ok. I am not that brave anymore and I am scared to click submit here because I don't want to be judged but I will because it realy can't hurt me can it? I know I change the subject alot but its like all this stuff bottled up inside of me. Imagine a tornado of information and its all just flying around and I can't grasp just one thing because it is all mixed in together. I wish I had a better self esteem that would help so much. I went from 94 lbs to 170 from 9 months of bedrest and let me tell you that killed every little bit I had. I am a good person and not nearly as loopy as this note prob makes me seem. So what do you think? Is there any help for me?
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