This will be long and I'm sorry if I am saying more than I should but I feel like I have to say it all so it can be understood. When I was 11 I was molested by my neighbor. I started trying to kill myself from the age of 15 till I had my first son. Not a very good childhood but it could have been worse. I wasn't beaten just verbally abused. I hated my stepfather with a passion. When I was 17 I was raped for the first time. I was drugged. There have been 4 other times that I was raped call it date rape because I was too scared to stop them even though I said no. My first husband raped and beat me and used drugs. I married him when I was pregnate with my first son (whom I didn't know if was a rape baby or not until he was born) I had a nervous break down when I turned 18. My little brother died when I was 19. I have had panic attacks since I was about 17. There is more but I dont' think I can type it all. My life at the present is good (too bad I live in the past) I am totaly scared of death. My kids are great my husband now is great. My husband is epileptic though and has grand mal seizures about once a year and it scares the crap out of me. After he has one I go into what seems like perma panic mode for weeks. It is soo stressful to see him having one and I have flashbacks for so long. It totaly distrupts my life in more ways than one. Then you add to it that I have to get a job which is hard enough by itself. What me go on an interview? Have someone judge me? I have lived here for a year now and I haven't made any friends because I am too scared of what they are going to think of me so I don't socialize. It could be worse, I am able to go places like grocery shopping and stuff thats realy not hard. But the thought of looking for a job starts a panic attack. I didn't used to be this way. I was so outgoing, ok granted I was super shy but I would pretend to be someone else and I was ok. I am not that brave anymore and I am scared to click submit here because I don't want to be judged but I will because it realy can't hurt me can it? I know I change the subject alot but its like all this stuff bottled up inside of me. Imagine a tornado of information and its all just flying around and I can't grasp just one thing because it is all mixed in together. I wish I had a better self esteem that would help so much. I went from 94 lbs to 170 from 9 months of bedrest and let me tell you that killed every little bit I had. I am a good person and not nearly as loopy as this note prob makes me seem. So what do you think? Is there any help for me?
Posts You May Be Interested In
I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
I gave my 2 week notice last Friday 13th. Now to join you fine people in a life of leisure and nothing else to do but to look out for myself....is it just me or does that sound pretty boring? My goal was to live to retire and I guess having to take early retirement because of health reasons wasn't exactly the way I had planned things. I just can't stay in that building that is reeking mildew...