Hello everyone. I need advice or an outside perspective.
I'm currently going through a stressful stage of my life and found this site on my way to understand what is happening to me and how to fix it.
For most of my life, I was quiet and for some reason, I have low self-esteem. I enjoy interacting with people, but most of the time, I can't keep up a conversation or keep in touch with my new acquaintances if the other party doesn't. I may be afraid to look stupid, push or bother them. I feel uncomfortable talking to people for no particular reason (like a working request or something "important"), including small talk. And even with a reason, I tend to overthink about it before and after.
However, I have no signs of a panic attack and don't look very nervous, you could even say that I look like an introvert who is open, jokes, smiles, etc.
I see that this situation is getting worse due to the age or the situation that I am in. I came to the United States three years ago, not knowing English, worked for 1.5 years in jobs that did not require qualifications, and, finally, achieved some breakthrough (albeit no difference in wages), getting a job that does not require physical labor. The next step was to find a better-paying job, finally using my skill set and/or degree, but here I ran into a huge wall.
To get a job, I need to network and interview. As I mentioned earlier, no one is worse than me in networking. There were people who offered to help me, but I broke off contact with them because I felt judgment or contempt. The situation gets even worse when it comes to interviews. I've heard a lot about the common fear of interviews, but with practice, my fear doesn't go away. Every time I have not received any response from people after the first or second contact, I feel more and more worthless (which kind of confirms my previous fears), and it becomes more difficult for me to continue.
Due to moving to another country, I stopped communicating with my few friends but did not make many new acquaintances. I have a small family here, but I feel lonely and helpless to socialize outside. Apart from other barriers, now I also have a language, some cultural differences, and a lack of acquaintances who can introduce me to other people.
On top of that, my current job forces me to help challenging people who, for the most part, do not believe they need help (even if they need it) or that my presence has some meaning and they often say it out loud or show it non-verbal. This impacts my mental health too.
This whole situation plunges me into a deep depression, and I do not know what to do and where to start. I tried to work with a couple of therapists for six months each, but I see no changes.
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