Hi all, I'm relatively new to this site and I'm seeking advice and clarity. I moved from New York to Georgia with my boyfriend of two years after I graduated college in May, and things were wonderful all summer. We traveled a lot before settling down at his parents house (so we could save money for our own place), and we were about to start our job searches. Then, in mid-September, one day I looked at my boyfriend and thought for a brief second "do I still love him? I feel like I don't know him." I tried to brush these thoughts away because I'd had them before whilst we lived together during my schooling, and I'd easily gotten past them and felt confident in the relationship. I attributed my thoughts at the time to some anxiety about our future, as my parents' marriage was failing due to my dad's infidelity. In early September, I remember thinking how excited I was to start our lives together. The same day I had those anxious thoughts again in mid-September, however, I suffered my first ever panic attack. I went to the ER and they sent me home telling me to consider consulting a doctor about a generalized anxiety disorder.
Since that day, my mind has been consumed with thoughts about not loving my boyfriend anymore and I've felt strong urges to break up with him. At the same time, I'm terrified of finding a job and starting my adult-life, so I know there's more going on than just relationship struggles. We were also together all day everyday for about 4 months, so I figured maybe some time apart would help. I moved back to NY to be with my family during this time, as being around my boyfriend just makes me feel extreme guilt and sadness. I loved this man with my whole heart, through all our ups and downs, saw a wonderful future with him, and now the thought of seeing him and being around him makes my anxiety fly through the roof. He feels like a stranger. I'm seeing a therapist, and I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for this week, but I wanted to turn to people who also suffer from anxiety and potentially depression, since I have symptoms of that too.
Does anxiety really have this much power, to take away all feelings of happiness and love from my life? I feel like I can't enjoy anything, and there's a constant tightness in the middle of my chest. My boyfriend and our two years together feel so far away, like they're not even real, and I'm questioning whether or not I was ever happy at all with him. I've held onto the relationship because it's always bettered me, and I could always be my true self in it, but as time goes on things don't seem to be getting better. Sometimes we'll be on the phone and he'll laugh and my brain will tell me "his laugh is so annoying, how did you ever put up with it" or I'll see him in a picture and think "is he really that attractive?" It's breaking my heart. I've been entirely honest with him about my thoughts and feelings, and he's been so wonderful and patient, assuring me that he's not going anywhere and will stick with me until I figure our what it is I want. I have moments of peace sometimes, where I believe myself when I say that whatever I'm going through will pass, and he and I can get back to our life together, but they're few and far between. After they happen and the sinking feeling sets back in again, I just think I'm lying to myself.
I just don't know if I really don't love my boyfriend anymore, and I'm holding on when I need to let go, or if anxiety and depression are causing me to feel this way. Nothing about our relationship changed, and we were just about to start working on all of our future plans. I could really use some advice.
has anyone else tried it? I bought some today to try for my anxiety because I read a good article about it.
Today is my second meeting with my new therapist. What I'm most anxious about is that I have to eat lunch right before I leave for the appointment. And when I'm this anxious I get nauseous. And since I have to take public transportation, I have to leave an hour before the appointment. And I won't have much time, if any to talk about my problems with my therapist today--she said she's going to do...