hi i'm new here, idk if anyone's even gonna reply to this but im just too tired of keeping all my thoughts inside me all the time lol.
a few months ago it was my 19th birthday and my whole extended family was making this video for me like a week before my birthday and i unfortunately walked in while they were doing it but i had no clue what they were doing. so they made up this excuse that they're j doing a lil skit for some comedy thing idek. but at that time i felt like absolute shit like i felt completely left out and discluded.. like my entire family including relatives, cousins decided to do some funny video together and just didn't even think about me or consider calling me? i jus started thinking a lot after that (now that i think about it it was really stupid) and i just felt super irrelevant and for some reason it just impacted me a lot bc that was my family. if i had just known it was for my birthday maybe none of this would've ever happened but i had no clue whatsoever, so i took it super personally. even after i talked to my friend about it and he told me it really wasn't that deep i still felt horrible. after that i began thinking more, about how maybe my family thinks im stuck up, or something else, i just began debating my entire personality. and then i started feeling like really anxious all the time. like i felt like my confidence dropped, i felt small and irrelevant and i kept getting this pressure in my chest or butterflies (more like moths LOL) in my stomach.
soon it wasn't even about the birthday thing anymore i just got way too deep into unraveling myself and my emotions and thoughts and yada yada. the way i was around everyone i know, whether it was friends or family or anyone, was different. i just overthought every single aspect of stuff. like how other ppl viewed me, they prolly saw me as inferior, and i lost confidence that i had a good personality which turned it into a socially anxious personality. i lost touch with a lot of friends bc i didn't even have the motivation to reach out anymore bc either I felt like they wouldn't like me or id annoy them or it had been too long so it was awkward to hit them up.
one important thing i haven't mentioned is that before this whole anxiety thing started i got into a relationship. so while i was in the relationship my anxiety started. at first my bf seemed like really irritated that i was different and less extroverted and i really tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn't try to listen or understand. it felt like he didn't even believe me. he was the type of guy that didn't like serious or deep kinda talks so unfortunately while i was at my lowest point i was in a toxic relationship which pushed me and my self esteem even further down. he started to act diff and do really disrespectful things that honestly really hurt me and id always tell my friends about it or my mom and they'd tell me to confront him. but when i did, he would always gaslight me and i fell for it every time. he's probably the best manipulator ive ever met. i felt like i was going crazy being with him because i felt so hurt and shitty but at the same time his excuses always made sense. like he always found a way around things that id believe because i didn't wanna believe he was a bad person. it took me so long to leave him too because i was going through a lot and i thought that having someone is better than having no one. 3 months before my anxiety was when we started dating and then after 3 more months while i had the anxiety is when i finally broke things off for good so it was 6 months totally. now that i think back on it i was the stupidest person ever. why did i tolerate his disrespect so much and believe his excuses and empty promises when he never changed. why did i willingly made a decision to stay with someone who made me feel like i was dirt and a nobody. my emotions after that have been all kinds of messed up. i developed trust issues, i cut myself off to love, i lost hope that ill find a good guy out there, and of course my anxiety was way worse. like id barely look up at the dinner table with my family bc there were so many thoughts rushing through my head that's how bad.
it's been like 6 and a half months since my anxiety started as of now and idk why but it feels kind of different now. like i feel like the anxiety got too much for my body to handle like my stomach was constantly churning so now I feel like it's adapted to sort of just disconnect when im about to experience it. but when i disconnect it's honestly kind of a horrible experience too. it feels like i just temporarily have no idea what im supposed to be doing or i lost touch with myself. when i disconnect its not rly peaceful like it should be bc i kind of freak out and try really hard to act normal and it comes off as me being really weird or awkward. it's honesrly worse than just anxiety bc now everyone thinks that im really just super awkward or weird when im actually just trying too hard to snap out of it. like it seems like im tryna figure everything out for the first time again like im super alert and on guard and just not normal. like my normal self is nothing like that usually im really collected and calm and outgoing towards most people.
the worst part about all of this is that i feel like i can't talk to anyone about it. i keep everything inside my head all the time. the only place i usually get it out is in my notes every once in a while. like i just don't know a single person in my life that would possibly understand or relate to what im going through so that just makes me feel really isolated like it's not worth talking to or expressing myself to anyone. no one gets me so i really only have myself. my family has started looking at me like im crazy. and it really annoys me but on the other hand i understand bc id react the same way to myself. it's just rly unfortunate that it had to be me. like i wish i could control it.
also a while ago i tried to write a post on two other mental health forums but they banned me bc i guess i went too in depth about my relationship which was "not relevant to the condition". so that kinda made me feel rly invalidated and ive just been demotivated to find another forum. but im finally writing on this now bc it's been too long of keeping my thoughts in my head and i needed to get it out to actual people. whether someone actually responds to this or not idk, probably not bc it's super long and no one understands anyways but if u relate it would b nice to just lmk bc im going thru a lot rn.
ty for reading all this if u did
Monday I got my second covid vaccine. I woke up Tuesday feeling like death. Rocket hasn't left my side. He insists upon sleeping on my chest and he has to be touching me. This is from today. I am feeling much better though still not 100%. I'm making Mac and cheese
My anxiety has caused a lot of troubles for me. My job is one place it comes from just from how stressful it is. I doubt myself a lot and don't think I can do a good job. And worry what my customers will think about me. It's effected some bad habits that I have developed. I tend to freeze and not be able to react how I want when I'm most anxious. I can't wait to finally rid myself of this feeling...