Right this moment my head is pounding, my heart is racing, I'm reminding myself to breath......I'm in overload. I've been up most of the night with a tension headache. Today I turn 45. Oh no, thats not the issue, its tonight. I have been helping plan a hugh Halloween Party my cousin is having for about the last 2 months. I'm the person that likes to help behind the scenes, I don't like to be noticed. Sound familiar to anyone??? Well, I decided to push myself in my illness(I try to do that) so I volunteered to greet over 65 people at the front door, I have to greet them and give them a sticker for there back and explain how the first game works. For me, thats HUGH. I'll be a nervous wreck, but I'm going to do it. OK, then he asked if I'd read a toast on stage during the party, in the spirit of better mental health, I said I'd do it. He has had rehersals every Sunday for the past 2 months for the dance numbers, so when he asked me to read the toast I said I'd like go up on stage to practice(so I have practiced twice-both times, feeling like my legs were going to buckle under me). Everyone has been supportive in a "lets make fun at marge for being so nervous" kind of way. Well, at our last rehersal which was Wednesday, I decided I wasn't ready to push myself this far yet, that the greeting people at the door was enough(I'm nervous enough about that). So I got a replacement for my part and told my cousin. He was OK with it, he was alittle disappointed, but understood. However, everyone else is now on "lets make marge the main focus of our night". I'm trying to be a good sport, but it hurts my feelings. So, now tonight is the party. I am in panic overload. My irrational thoughts won't let me be. I'm nervous that I'm going to sound like an idiot while explaining the games, I'm nervous about talking to people, I'm nervous the "cast" will keep making me the focus of there fun time. I used to take Zolft. I don't any longer. I went off of it about 3 months ago. I took it several years during the time when my Dad was sick, then died and when my only son left for college. I was doing good for so long I felt like I didn't need the meds(only xanax for extreme moments) I felt like I was handling average anxiety pretty well. Obviously I may have been premature. I hate taking pills, I just wanted off of them. I don't want tonight to be a xanax night. I feel like my choices are going to this party to be freaked out and miserable all night or going to a party an feeling numb on meds. I'm a mess. I just want to calm down. I want my headache to stop, I want to feel like I'm so kind of normal. Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry I went on so.
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