I feel like I've always struggled to do things that come natural for other people. I never wanted to go to school. I was a very anxious person. I didn't want to leave my home or mom where I felt safe. Now I have the same problems with working. I had several jobs that I didn't last over 2wks. I finally got comfortable with a job where I knew some people that worked there and stayed there for 3yrs. The company changed for the worst and new people came in and I decided to leave but it was under bad circumstances. After that I tried going to 2 other jobs and did not last at either of them but a couple of months. I quit one and was fired from the other from missing work. I got where I couldn't get out of bed. I was so depressed. I've not been out of work and got on disability due to extreme depression anxiety and obesity due to the dramatic weight gain. During this time I had to move back home, pretty much gave up my life, everything I had, had to file bankruptcy, give my car back, I stopped seeing friends bc I was ashamed. I kept to myself back in my safe place. I've been feeling better so now the subject of going back to work is coming up and I'm having extreme anxiety over this. Not just this but over the fact that I'm suppost to be an adult, hold down and job for the rest of my life, get a car, a job, a home, and pay bills etc. I'm suppost to live and quite honestly I don't feel capable of it. I'm scared to death I'm going to fall apart and get so depressed and anxious again that I can't handle anything. Why am I so afraid to live? Why don't I feel like I can? I feel like I'm the only one who struggles to do things....."live" a normal life. It's gotten so bad that I wish sometimes I didn't have to live on this earth and do it. I'm not suicidal but at times I just wish there was another option. I dont wanna have to face all the pain of life, losing my parents oneday, fearing I'll always be alone, just that I'll fall apart and no one will be there to help me. I didn't mean to make this as long as it is. I'm trying to explain my feelings and there are just so many. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me and if anyone can help me. I wanna be ok with being a grown up and doing what's expected of me. I wanna want to work and enjoy it. I'm starting to think I'm just never going to be happy and will always struggle.
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