I am so mad at myself. I have been dealing with my anxiety for the most part, but I know that I could use a little help. About a month ago I made an appointment to get my self established with a doctor. I don't go to the doctors because it causes me to panic a little even thinking about going. I used to work for a psychaitrist who was simply horrible and that did not help matters.
Anyways at this last visit my blood pressure was a little high, but it did go down eventually. So that was a plus. Instead of doing a physical, we ended up talking about my anxiety and the mild depression I was experiencing. I am on the go between work and family life which makes me exhausted and there are times I simply don't want to do anything. She told me I needed to find a hobby and maybe go to church and make some more friends and I would simply feel better. Well for one I have social anxiety and I have like one friend. I am busy with sports to even make time to go out and meet people, and even if I have time I am simply exhausted. She decided to put my on Lexapro, which I took in the past, but it made me feel more jittery and more anxious so I stopped taking it. When she put me on it, I tried telling her that, but she told me to try it again. I did get it filled and once again I felt worse being on it. So I stopped taking it.
Long story short, I did make an appointment for a follow up, but I ended up cancelling the appointment because when I thought about going back, I had a panic attack. After I cancelled the appointment, I made another one because I really did want to try another medication to try and help me with the anxety that I was experiencing. Well I was suppose to go today after work, and I started thinking about everything that I had to get done, how I didn't like my first experience, which led to another panic attack, that I cancelled the appointment.
So now I am sitting here at mad at myself because I simply can not get past this anxiety. Even writing this out, I can just feel the anxiety taking over. I manage to go to work and do other life things, but when it comes to taking care of myself, it is so hard. I was walking every day, but that even became difficult. I probably sound like an idiot, but anxiety is no fun. I guess I am just feeling like a failure and all alone. I know I am not the only one with anxiety, but of course that doesn't make it any easier.
If you got this far thank you. My anxiety is already telling me people will not read this or take you seriously. I am stupid for even doing this. Evntually one day I will get past this.
i found out recently that my father touched my cousin 30 years ago when she was only 5. My question is is it wrong of me to still want a relationship with my father after hearing he did that? what would you do? i know its the past, and i also dont condone what he may have done. it makes me so sick to my stomach. thank you