Accepting I'm Agnostic?
Well, here's a post I've always been afraid to make. After 33 years on this spinning rock, living in the Bible belt, I think I have finally come to the conclusion that I'm agnostic. It's not for lack of trying to be a believer. I have read book after book on apologetics, went to church and tried to feel what everyone else seems to, prayed my heart out but to no avail. All I get is crickets, silence. I could never break the news to my sweet parents who are dedicated Christians. I'm torn b/c I don't know what to teach my kids but I also don't want them to end up like me, trying to believe something all my life and then coming to the realization after college that my scientific mind way overpowers my religious one. Most of my anxiety is rooted in my fear of death. I never used to worry about it until I started to think "what if this really is it?" "What if there's nothing else?" For some reason, that terrifies me to the point I have tried to force myself to believe just to keep from being so scared. It's just not working, I think I'm just agnostic. I'm not an Atheist, I just think that no one can really know for sure. I hate feeling so conflicted. I have a couple of friends who have gone through this transition and come out on the other end feeling freed and more motivated and determined to enjoy this life b/c they believe this is all there is. They feel free b/c they no longer believe someone is sitting on a cloud waiting to bring wrath if they don't do everything right. I get that but why can't I feel that way? Why can't I make peace with it? Why does something in me still long for something to believe in? Pretty deep for a Monday, huh? :)