Hi sweetie...
Unfortunately, you cannot force someone to get help. Your husband will only get help when he recognizes that his anger is a problem and then resolves to do something about it. Although I think leaving your mate should be a last resort, you may need to think about staying somewhere else until he decides this is something that he needs to change. Maybe you leaving will make him wake up and take a good look at himself. Do you have kids? If so, even more of a reason to consider taking action, as they don't need to be exposed to that. I hope it all works out for you!!

I am nt sure if leaving and staying somewhere els is a good way to deal with this. I would like to think this would do the trick but I think the change would be only momentary. I say go to go and do your own council. Learn about boundaries and what is not acceptable behavior and then I'll bet his ears will peak. Also council will help you gt a grips on the state of your marriage...and it will show that you mean business...not something to just play tag about.

all i can say is that I am on your husbands side of this topic and when I get this way I try to figure out what made me so angery most of the time it is that someone else did something that I did not like and that is not an excuse but that is my reasoning. May be your husband is made about the things that happened in the day and he is taking it out on you. I do that to my bf all the time and the fact that he lets me tell him what is going on. maybe if you can talk to your husband if he will let you he can tell you why he thinks he is the way he is and you can work on it together.

I do want you to know that if it does work it will not work all the time there will be things that you can not help with and there will be times that you want to leave and I say go for it but just leave for a while a few hours to a park and think or to the store to window shop, when you come back he should be okay because he had time to think and get it out with out takeing it out on you, I think that you will both feel better, and one more thing if you have a cell take it with you incase he needs to call you and ask you to come home there is nothing like being alone when all you want is the person that you love the most in life and not being able to talk to them.

I take my anger out on my husband all the time and what sobers me up pretty quickly is when he calmly and assertively makes me see what I'm doing and how I'm acting. It shames me so much it kills the angry demon inside (for the day). He is a great man for putting up with me, it takes a very strong person and if you're not up to it, don't worry most people aren't. Do what's best for you.

I too am living with a very angry husband and I am also thinking of leaving him. I'd like to talk about what to do in order not to 'trigger' these erratic moods and fury. He yells and screams more than he is rational and this past week has been especially bad. Any tips? When should I just call it quits?

Kathy I don't really think it's you. I know my husband blames his anger issues on his upbringing so I try to not bring that up. I try to tell him to calm down but I have learned that doesn't really work either. i think JLB is right it won't get better until he realizes and does something about it. I don't know how to tell if it's time to call it quits. i have been dealing with my husband's anger for 10 yrs now. Does your husband know that he has a problem?

Hi Pam, yes, he knows he has a problem. Today, he says that he cannot handle any issue...no matter how big or how small. He just gets frantic over the least thing and I am the one he takes it out on with his temper. His family is well aware because his Mother is the same way. He just won't get help so I can't do anything other than to stay out of his way and walk on eggshells in my own house. I am not that kind of person and I hate living this way. I have to worry over the financial part of it because I am not working now so I have to get all that lined up to support myself. It's alot to think about! Thanks for chatting back. I appreciate it...I need the support!

Asking someone to change is like pruning a tree: neither will ever be the same again.

Scarier still, is that you can't quite know in what new directions they'll grow.

Hi. Has he always been angry or did he change at some point? If he's changed, it could be a medical or mental health problem. Treatment might help him with it.

I'm sorry you're going through this. My father was an angry guy. I know it can make you feel like everything is your fault. It can make you walk on eggshells trying to mitigate the next outbreak. I wish for something better for you.

I was quoting so here is the reference:

(~Mike Dooley) (www.tut.com)

Hi, I have the same problem as your husband. It ruined my marriage but it was never dealt with directly by my ex wife. There were so many other distractors that at the time we both never addressed it. She was intimidated maybe like yourself. With that being said only you know if you can ever sit down and calmly talk. Only he can decide that he needs help and only he can fix it. Unfortunately, he will have no reason to correct his bad behaviour as long as you tolerate it. You might need to cause him to realize that you have boundaries . He made his boundary clear by telling you No right? You have the right to establish your own. It will be hard but you do not have a choice. Your life together will be miserable until boundaries are set by you and him and both respect them. If you cannot talk to him then try to write him and endearing and loving letter that does not accuse place blame etc. Just state that although you love him, he must take concrete steps to deal with his anger. You will have to insist that he sees someone seperately for his difficulties and also attends therapy with you. You will have to be loving but firm if possible. By writing a letter rather than talking you will give him time to cool down and be more rational before you talk. Let him know if he is unable to meet those criteria then you have no choice but to leave. If you leave then he must attend therapy by himself for 6 months to a year before you will go to therapy together. If he does put in the effort do your best to re-inforce the good things he is doing rather than always pointing out his faults. I was always and still am my worst critic and beat myself up severly. Again, lovingly set the boundaries and back them up. If he gets worse or threatens you in anyway then leave quick when safe to do so. It is a difficult decision only you can make for yourself. You have to tell him what he must do to stay with you. Progress must be well defined. He will try and blame you, but do not let him. Your mistake was not to setup boundaries before but that does not mean you cannot change that. If you need additional support or an ear drop me a message.I want to help both of you . Maybe I can help myself by helping you guys. Take care, T

I've never really looked at it that way. Your right I have never made my boundaries clear. Me being afraid of his outbursts has really clouded my judgement. You gave me some good ideas, thanks.

I am trying to set boundaries. I've now begun to leave the house when he gets very angry. I've also gone on long weekends away from him but it doesn't do any good. He has been 'calm' for the last day but tonight he is agitated by everything. He actually told me that the reason he's agitated and overwhelmed is because me and the dog are too hyper! I am so tired of him blaming me for his illness. I told him tonight that he has got to get treatment or else. We'll see how that goes...there is always an excuse why he won't get medical help. Sorry for ranting. I hope you're having a good evening!

Kathy117, I can see that you are beginning to take the first steps. Your husband will go thru a honeymoon stage when you draw the line. Dont be fooled. He will temporarily act nice but the old habits will soon return. He might not even realize the extent of his actions and he is not a good judge of his behaviour. Do not just punish him for his behavior by leaving then returning. He knows that you will return if he behaves himself in the short term. You know he has a problem. He does too but denies it because it is painfull to realize how ugly he can be. It was tough for me too. I forgot to mention that it is a must that you must also go see someone so that you too can get help. The main problem is his but some of your behaviour makes it worse rather than better. This book helped me. Best book i have seen on relationships. Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life By Henry Cloud/ John Townsend. Tell your husband that you will be going to counseling for yourself. Read the book . He will resent you for this for sure and it will be the opportunity for more anger. When you are ready try thisCook his his favorite meal. Maybe even give a masssage maybe. Then when things are nice and he is in a good mood, lovingly tell him what you require of him. Remember the letter is more powerful than verbals. He will read it hundreds of times I promise and it will help him later. Some other things you can try are writing in a journal. When you write, write it as if you are writing to God asking him to help. Then if you leave it in a place not too obvious where you know he will find it. I am thinking of ideas that I beleive would have worked for me when I was married. You probably cannot do them all at once . Thats up to you. Maybe try the dinner thing after he treats you nice for the day. Say thank you for your hard work in trying to control your temper. And because he did something special for you you will do something special for him. It might be hard because of the tension between you for you to do this but its worth a try. There are people that say that its not worth the effort and you should leave etc. This is your life , decide how far you are willing to go to fix it. Help yourself first, it will help you become stronger before you tackle the bigger issue with him. He might decide to come along for the ride . I garantee he is as sick of how he acts as you are. Good luck and be strong. T