I have depression, and usually my life is full of apathy. I don't feel that sad, I just don't feel happy either. In fact I can't remember the last time I was happy.

So life is ok, but sometimes I flip out and feel really angry.

Sometimes I'll be nasty to people, other times hurt myself or break something.

I'd killed a hamster before by throwing her against the wall.. and afterwards I wrote a suicide note, overdosed and cut myself. This was over a month ago and my wounds still haven't healed.

Tonight I gave my remaining hamsters a bath and held them under, then brought them back out thinking they'd be ok. I don't know why I did it. That would have been the end of it but I noticed my favourite hamster was dead. So I got really upset and flushed them all.

I guess I hated them cause I spent most of my free time caring for them and showing affection and all they did was bite me or run away.

I've always been against animal cruelty and animal testing and all that so this really confuses me. Why do I get so angry?

And the one thing that scares me the most is this.. if I can kill poor innocent little creatures what else can I do? I'm terrified to be around myself and I hate this so much.

I just feel like I don't deserve to live.