This is extremely uncomfortable sharing but I really want to change and I'm hoping a support group can offer help. Long story short I had an abusive childhood. My father was the main abusiver and head of the house. I admired him and not my mother because she was weak. I left my family as a teen and got a new, healthy family which was a major blessing. I got into an abusive relationship as a young adult which a person that was a alcoholic and drug addict. After that relationship I told myself I would never feel that level of pain again. I'm now married to a loving man. He isn't perfect but he truly loves me. We are verbally and emotionally abusive to each other. I feel I had a big part in forming this behavior. He has a short fuse but mine is shorter. Neither of us are good at communicating when we're upset. Anyway, we've been to counseling together and me by myself. The person I go to is great and have given us good advise but we can't stop abusing each other. I started the physical abuse in the relationship. That has gotten better since the counselor but it's also not our main issue. The verbal and emotional abuse is. I will admit I need control in the relationship. When I get angry my head needs control. Some days I'm better than others but some days I'm horrible until I get what I want. For example, I asked my husband to brush our dog's teeth but he says no. So I ask again (he does a better job bc he's more gentle and the dog responds enter) and he says no again. This is t the first day I've asked, this is an ongoing battle. Anyhow, I keep asking and he keeps saying no, more just bc he's trying to prove a point. In my head I'm freaking and can't get over it until he does it. I judge him and his care of the dog and start believing he's lazy. I then try focusing my husband to do it by giving him the brush. He doesn't respond how I want so I start to threaten to hurt him if he doesn't do it. I'm yelling, belittling him and showing signs of aggression. Our dog starts to get bw us (like I use to as a child with my parents) to stop me. I can't focus on my dogs plead but only on the anger. I tell my husband I can't control it and will hurt him unless he does what I want. My feelings are so intense and my thoughts won't refocus, I feel out of control until I get what I want which to me isn't what I want but what needs to be done. I don't seem to feel in the moment my desires are selfish, I feel they are bettering something. Problem is I don't care about my husband at that time. Whatever I'm upset about is more important than him (though that doesn't register that way in my head, I just know that's how it comes across). I think I have anger management issues. How do I stop
Is anybody on anti-anxiety meds? I have been for a few months and they weren't helping, so went back to the doctors and they quadrupled my dosage. Now they just make me sleep. Is this normal or should I go back in? I know they take awhile for you to get adjusted and I started these ones about a week or so ago.
I've been having a hard time feeling lost and broken. I feel like a disappointment to everyone and anything I try to do to help makes things worse. Every little thing makes me cry and then I get to hear my husband tell me my depression completely drains him and his energy so he doesn't always want to even talk to me. I'm just at a loss of what more to do here.