It seems like as long as I can remember I have always had issues listening to people who i care deeply about give me their opinion or tell me what to do. It seems like all of my relationships have ended because someone got sick of me. I know I have issues with how I treat my parents because as long as I can recall they would always just give in to me and do what I want. I definitely married the wrong man for this. I grew up in a "yes dear" house hold and my husband is the complete opposite. He believes he is always right and is willing to do almost anything to prove it. I on the other hand have a terrible memory and its very hard for me to prove anything is right. I feel like when I get mad at him I snap and act like I'm still 12. I say things I don't mean, but they just flow out of my mouth like verbal diarrhea. When we fight really bad he tells me he is leaving and constantly tells me that he isn't scared to leave...I am constantly living in fear that he will leave me. I never was able to be in a relationship. I envy people that are happy because I feel I never am. When I'm happy, I'm just waiting for me to do something that my husband doesn't like and then he gets so mad at me. I know sometimes its got to be in my own head. Like there is just something wrong in there telling me that he's out to get me...I always feel like the victim. I have been to therapist for years and I know I have ADD and chronic depression...but there is definitely something else wrong. When I get really mad I will punch my head multiple times until I regret doing it. or punch the wall, sometimes I'll even hit my head into the wall. I already suffer from migraines and have an illness called pseudotumor cerebri. which is a neurological illness. Also, I have IBS which causes me a lot of issues emotionally and physically. I had gastric bypass surgery and I thought honestly that would help me, but I feel like it made things worse. I can't even go to the bathroom in public places because of the odor which causes me such anxiety, my husband also gets mad because of that too. I am so scared that one day I will revert back to hitting him like I use to do to my ex-boyfriend. I hate always feeling like someone is out to get me...but I also hate being told what to do. I am fine at work though, I get upset and angry when someone tells me what to do, but I am able to control myself to not lash out at them...why do I only do it to my husband and my parents? I'm seriously at the end of my rope. My therapist now isn't working, but I do like her. My issue is she isn't giving me ways to cope...I feel like I go to see her only because we get along well and I like her personally. I feel like I need a psychiatrist who is also my therapist. I found one that I will be starting in June but that is 3 weeks away. I need help until then and I'm scared he won't work either. Any advice will do...I just need help and fast. My world is crumbling around me.
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