How very true. I feel like I am a prisoner of my own anger. Thanks for sharing that.

sure...and i've been there and sometimes still am...

Sigh. The very advice that many use to soothe their anger is what amps mine up to rage.

So much of the anger I have trouble managing is related to extremely negative experiences in religious/spiritual contexts. The result is that anything which even has a whiff of my old faith in it (like the word "forgiveness") triggers my foam-at-the-mouth response.

There are some things I simply can NOT forgive. I can NOT forgive the way I was treated by my faith community when I came out. I can NOT forgive the anti-gay poison that still comes out of the conservative religious traditions that permeate this culture.

I absolutely HATE the time of year we are approaching because the reminders are so in-your-face EVERYwhere -sheesh, even the grocery stores ALREADY have up the xmas stuff - so it's not like I even have the option to AVOID the triggers.

Even writing this post my heart rate has elevated to a pounding I can feel.

Sigh - again. I suppose what makes it harder is I don't WANT to forgive them. I want them to suffer as much as they caused me to suffer. I want them to have horrible guilt pangs over how I was treated.

At least, that's how I feel when I'm angriest. Honestly, I really don't know what to do with the rage. Forgive? Not bloody likely.

So what do I do?

Fiddler.....I'm sorry for the pain you've experienced and am sorry you were treated so poorly and hatefully. Peace to you.....

But it is not faith, it is not God, it is not spirit....it is humans who do not have a clue, who are frightened of their own sexuality, who are scared to make a stand. They may be pathetic, stupid, shamefully not understanding. But this is humanity speaking. Not faith, spirituality or love.

I speak as a devout christian of 20 years, who, after a prolonged "leaving" of my fanantical christian husband, was totally ostocised by my local church that I had been a member of for 11 years. But, looking back, they just did not have a clue how to deal with the situation. So I forigive....

BeautyforAshes - that was kind, thank you.

Keziah - well yes, as an atheist I also agree that it was not God that wronged me but people. I think our experiences are similar in that, yes, those people didn't have a clue. We differ in that I'm not willing to forgive them on that basis. There's an institutional quality to the anti-gay (and anti-divorce) predjudice which in my mind allows it to perpetuate -unthinking and unexamined. The "good intentions" that those people may have felt do not make up for the self-loathing I endured as long as I believed what they said.

I don't know how to get past it. How did you?

Every one says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.
C.S. Lewis quote

Think of it this way. Forgiveness is for your own sake, your peace of mind, not theirs.

To me forgiveness is like condoning someone else's actions... how can you do that if you were treated badly by someone or worse?

well, i like how nkwong put it...it's for my onw peace of mind, not their peace of mind...

In order for me to have piece of mind, I want to see whom had done me wrong pay for what they did but it never seems to work that way

i now what you mean....i feel the same way sometimes....but when i do find it within myself to release forgiveness fro their wrong i don't feel like such a victim anymore....does that make sense?

i think i still don't really understand that story about the prodigal son. the father takes his son back into the family home and throws a huge party. how amazing is that?

one day i will get there. but right now, sister, it seems a long way off.

yes, i understand..though i choose to forgive things, i still have a hard time dealing with them..the hurt, the pain, the devastation......

Someone made a good point. Forgiveness is for you not them. They are not even aware of what their actions did to you. You simply are tearing yourself up . There is no impact on them at all. I know because I have done it so long. I wanted them to realize what they had done to me and to apologize for it but it never happened. So for yourself please let it go. My mother is 65 and still making these mistakes. 5 years ago when taking care of her mother her sister decided on numerous occasions that she could not help my mother because she had to take care of her own children.My mother ended up being the sole care-giver most of the time. After her mother passed she decided she would never forgive her sister and hold that grudege to this day. Anytime anyone mentions anything about her sister and her family my mother gets so angry and takes it out on all. Her sister is aware of her anger but is continuing her life and does not try to talk to my mother about it. My mother's hate for her is causing no one but herself pain and anguish. My mother wants her sister to relaize the pain she caused and to beg for forgiveness. That will not happen. So my mother has decided to imprison herself to she dies. Tragic but of her own choosing. I have tried to explain to her for her own good to please let it go. I told her that her sister will pay for her shortcomings but my mother is not the one to make her do that. So my friend from one angry man to another give yourself a break for once. Cut yourself some slack and do your best to let it go. A relationship with God is not dependent upon you attending mainstream organized religous services. God is ther for you when you want and wherever you want. Does not have to be in a church. I know that there are fairly mainstream services available for people like yourself to attend without fear of judgement. It might take some time to find bu they are out there. I cannot relate to part of your lifestyle but I can truly be empathetic to your anger. I hope that you can find peace in your heart. Take care, T