The other day my boyfriend was at work and my daughter and I were in the kitchen working on a homemade soup while she made cupcakes. I was starting to feel a little overwhelmed trying to get all of the fresh vegetables and home made broth and chicken picked off the bone ready in time for dinner. I asked her a few times very nicely to not eat the batter. Then while I was cutting my carrots up and I caught her eating it again and I flipped out. At the same time I dropped a carrot on the floor and it really pissed me off because my floor was not clean at the time. I stabbed the knife into the cutting board four times while screaming at her not to eat the batter. After that I put the knife down terrified of my action and walked into the living room. I took deep breathes and immediately regretted my action. My near three year old sat staring at the very place I stabbed the knife, possibly starring at the knife itself, for a long time. Not moving, not talking. I asked her to come in the living room so I can try to explain to her what just happened, but she wouldn't move. So I carefully moved to her and told her I am sorry for yelling and asked her if she is okay. She was alright, but I know I just showed her something she shouldn't have ever had to see or learn. I have been regretting this moment for three days now, every waking moment I am thinking about it. I can take the image away in her head but I keep thinking, what if I had the knife on the table next to her and flipped out and she put her hand in the way of my impulsive, uncontrolled action? I would have hurt her, I could have hurt myself. I wanted to throw the knife away and try to push it all out of my head. But I knew my consequence for this action is painful guilt, and I must figure out how to deal with it. I don't have these violent fits anymore, haven't in a really long time. It was the first time ever my fit involved a very dangerous weapon being used violently in front of my child though. Really awful combination. How do I fix this?
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