I give up. I keep holding on, grasping onto life with everything I have in me. I know I am an alcoholic, I have known this for years but have adapted quite well to keep going, I have never had money or health insurance, a big reason for keeping things in check. I have always wanted help ever since losing my parents health insurance some 18 years ago, my god, I still can't believe it has been that long. I am scared to death to go to a meeting, I dont know how to socialize, not in a real sense. I am great in the daytime, at work but can't wait to get home and drink and forget and be alone with my uneasyness, where I am most comfortable. The weird thing is, what I can't understand, is that during the day, I am ok, at work and when I get home, I feel like a freak, I cant grasp reality anymore so I drink, to be normal, why do I do this? Why can't I be ok with being sober when I am home? This past year I met the most wondrful guy in the world. He is ok with my problem but I am not, I am embarressed and ashamed and I dont want to put him through the turmoil of my addiction.I dont have health insurance and I am scared to death to go to a meeting. If anyone has any ideas r help to get me over my fears of a meeting, I would love the input...
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BUT----how hard it is for me to NOT give up-------For those who don't know---I HATE myself---my looks---etc----how can I accept things that I cannot change when they are apparent 24/7?????? I attempted suicide twice because I view me as detestful!!!If you don't know my story and would like to---read journals or I'll be glad to share---Thank you for your time and I appreciate any and all advice
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