I got drunk again wed. night, all night and all day thurs, spent most of the money I have left which isn't much since I'm not working right now, just get some child support. I'm ruining my son's life, he's homeschooled but doesn't listen to me and doesn't do the work, I need to get him counceling but he wont go, I need to start counceling, am going to call Monday, I need to start AA, haven't gone in over a year, don't know anyone, don't have a license, but I guess I could ask someone for a ride that goes, I have a few numbers still. I did a number on myself these past few days, I feel so horrible, just want to die. Just when I think things are starting to look up, I go and fuck it up again, I feel hopeless, I can't be a good mom, I can't do shit. My son has so much anger, he doesn't want to do anything but sit and play on the computer 24/7, he has no friends, I feel overwhelmed, life sucks, I suck.. I just keep killing myself, messing everything up, it's been going on forever now, I've been crying, I feel horrible, I never ever want to drink again, ever. how do I make it better? How do I make my son better? we sit here in this apartment all day doing nothing usually. we need a life, I need a life! It's unhealthy for us both. I just need someone to say, it's going to be alright, that I'm not going to die, that my son is going to be ok, that it's not the end of the world or hopeless. That I will get through this once again. I feel so stupid, and hopeless, I let my son down again, I let myself down. He'd be better off in foster care. I just feel like I can't be a mom right now, I'm a single mom of a boy who's about to turn 16. All his life I"ve been an alcoholic. I just wanna die. I would never kill myself so don't think that, but yea I feel so bad. He's been cussing at me alot, he like hates me. He stayed on computer all night and all day and just went to bed. He wouldn't listen to me. why should he? who am I? I deserve no trust, no respect. I just don't want to screw up his life anymore. I'm scared. I'm crying and I'm scared. I'm going to start counceling and start AA and start church and take care of myself and get a job, those are my goals, need to get out of this, really do. But will I? it's like I've been saying the same shit forever.
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