im not the type of person to give in and walk away, all my life iv being trying my hardest to be strong no matter what,even wen i was bullied in school severly for 16 years, i still went marching into school facing the day of wat lay ahead , but wat i realised that i went becuase of fear, i was scared to b alone, i thought if i had a place to b people mite accept me, but they never did and i was a door mat everyone trod over,i didnt have to go to school i cud of bunked off but my family bought me up to b brave n strong throughout,ive tried to b strong n brave in my recovery, but that strong , brave person i once was has gone,i went back to rehab and i went back to AA and im finding it painful to sit in room im finding it hard going into rehab everyday talking bout my past coz its opening up old wounds i jus dont want to heal, i jus wana leave it where it is,wen i see ppl in aa i see happiness i see people smiling with joy n peace in their eyes and i so long for that coz i want that too so bad, im empty, drained,fed up and most of all i see n hope for me,and i dont think that i will ever get that joy and peace because the reason why is because ive had to seriously search deep inside wat i want , do i want to continue drinknig and have all that misery again ? the answer is no i do not but the truth is aa? rehab? i still havent got it, the reason for that is because im jus not ready to give alcohol up, its being the only thing in my life thats never hurt me thats never stabbed me in the back, its the 1 thing that i turn to wen i despartely want to escape from me, and ive being escaping alot recently, ive hurt n pushed my family and freinds away so much that i cant even look them in the eye no more, and im walking away from recovery because all im doing is wasting ppls time, coz there sum1 out there who needs rehab and aa more than i do,ive come to the conclusion that i can stop drinknig but i jus cant stay stopped no matter wat and i think i still have a lot of drinki left in me,thankyou guys for all your support these past 4-5 months or so. but i cant b helped, im a prime example of a young lost empty girl who threw all the help in ppls faces, ive recently found out i ave damaged a little bit of my liver but even thats not stopping me, im jus a hopeless case and i dont belong here , im sorry.bye. mel
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