i havent really bein on here, iv being going to a few meetings, but i havent being sharing, wat do i share? do i share how alcohol is destroying me? do i share how i can get thru a damn day without a drink and if i dont have 1 im a mess,doi share how lonely i feel, i mean real loneliness not jus physically but mentialy, i sit with my parents n my lil sis, and i cant even look at them,iv destroyed our relationship with my lies, my deceit, my selfishness,iv treated them like they r my enemies, i love them to pieces but iv stopped showing it,iv lost everything n thats the truth , the only thing i have left is my mum and dad, n everday im losing them jus that little bit more,around 16, when i had my first drink, in the back of my mind i knew there was a bit of a problem, but i shoved it back into my head and carried on, tohught it was all a game, i was young, naive, gullible, thought going to jail was cocky, hard, load of rubbish, i just never realized how much alcohol took over, 6 yrs on at 22, i regret everything i did, the embarrassment, the lies, the stealing, the sneakiness of trying to get a drunk, and im still doing it, i havent changed, if anything ive become worser, i have no thought for no one, i judge ppl when i shud not judge ne1, i walk down the road and see these pretty girls probably my age, with friends, smiling, probably happy? and theres me with a bottle in my hand full of anger and envy, it isnt a good sight trust me, i cud say i drunk on my past, i could say i drunk on the fact that my dad drunk alot, or my brother is a gambler n has no thought for others , i could say i drink to escape from my emotional pain, for me it isnt about that ne more, its gone past that, i dont really care bout my past,to b honest i dont really wana talk bout it again EVER to me its history, there probably things in my past that i will never get answers to, there r probably things i will never know, to b honest i dont want to know, for a long time now iv bein talking bout my past to counsellors, phycologists, n i hated them coz they didnt understand me, 13 yrs of age , literally pullling my hair out coz i couldnt deal with life, i couldnt deal with the way i was always misunderstood and not liked, i couldnt understand why my own brother hated me,to this day i will never know, maybe he is just like me?? immature, if we cant get our own way we cause havoc,my mum shes a lovely person, and i love her with all my heart,but i can see in her eyes thats shes hurting too,not just coz of me but it goes way back into her life, , she never talks bout it with me ,she lets my brother talk to her like shes nothing, but how the hell can i say this , coz im jus the same, i talk to her badly, i need to grow up , but how can i grow up, if i never had a childhood, how can i grow up if i dont know how to, neway its my past and thats it, they say in aa , that i need to get a sponsor and b free from my past, but thats the reason y i wont do the steps, coz i dont want to know bout my past no more, it would b understandable if i didnt know my past, but i DO i know everything , i remember everything, and rite now drink is all i have , to try and FORGET wat i know, im rambling on, i hope this makes sense, coz i dont really know wat makes sense no more
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