In the big book, on pg. 83, it talks of the promises that come true after the ninth step. It talks about being amazed before we are half way through, it talks about a new freedom and happiness, we will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it, we will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. It also says no matter how far our bottom was, we will see that our experience will help others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear, we will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situation that used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize God is doing for us which we couldn't do for ourselves.
I have posted recently I spent money unwisely, through an ego that was entitled, and forgot the meaning of my 8th and 9th step. I saw clearly that I had been a problem that drove others insane in my fourth step. When I got to my 8th and 9th step I saw my biggest amends would be not being a problem for any in society or the world. My situation is one where I had literally nothing when I went into a hospital, then to rehab. Four months later I still had nothing and was living off social services that paid my due at housing facilities that helped with recovery. I then managed to get a job, enroll in school, and the social services themselves made a claim towards a social security disability with me being diagnosed bipolar. I know now it was pure alcoholism, not necessarily bipolar that needed attention. Make a long story short I had three streams of income, work, school, and social security. I was making bank at work, taking out the maximum amount from Financial Aid, and got about 13000 in back pay from Social Security and a monthly payment of 800 a month too.
Only being a year or two sober the whole time, I thought the world was just paying me back since it had treated me so shitty for the previous 18 years I was drinking and using drugs. Well in the last 6 months a family members bullshit cost me about 6 thousand dollars, and my living expense increased. I also had a horrible spending habit on material things like clothes, shoes, entertainment, food that was overpriced and in a restaurant setting, and was giving money away like I was God. Make a long story short, I don't have very much money now, just found out my car needs a major repair, and that social security wants a huge chunk of the money back! LOL!
After lots of work yesterday on self-searching and trying to see where I went wrong, I see that I didn't go wrong anywhere, and that this is just 8th and 9th step work. I harmed the world, the government, and people by not addressing or having the willingness to change, from chronic alcoholic to recovered alcoholic. As forgiving as the world has been to me, it is my time to stay true to my steps and not be a problem for them by contributing when asked. I have already done the work to see this problem can be solved by March, but if I would have just sulked, and had a pity party, I really could have made a mess out of this.
I wanted to share that because I see that recovery is all about opportunities, opportunities to grow spiritually, the main reason why I will work hard to pay the money back is others are going to need it. The promises say we will lose interest in selfish things and start to think of others. Yesterday I was doing a meeting in a intensive treatment center and while hearing the predicament of a man I admitted the odds were greatly against him surviving. I can admit I can be more of a solution if I pay the overpayment back to the SSA, so they can have more leverage and more spending power. This whole time I was thinking, through entitlement and poor attitude, that I was more important than people social security takes care of. In hindsight, I wouldn't have even accepted the money, however I was encouraged to do so, because the mental health operation in the country did in fact treat me and others poorly, but I now see that if I am serious about amends, and helping, this is the best opportunity to do so. I am going to ask for a waiver though, just to let God have a say in it, I have to be honest and humble, and admit I don't want to lose the money, I don't have it, and maybe God wants others to continue to forgive me so I can have greater faith in his love.
All I know is I am willing to make the amend, and I will make the direct amend if possible, unless God or the SSA feels it might hurt myself to do so.
Thank You, someone to monitor this and ask what the outcome was, in the name of accountability would be a great gift if your willing.
Seems rather quiet on this site lately and thought I'd start a discussion on the gifts that sobriety has brought into each of our lives. Yes, there are likely many, but if you could focus on just one to share it with the group I thought it might give hope to others and perhaps benefit the writer as well. Here's mine: the ability to endure hardships without alcohol. Over the decades that I...
Forgive me for being dense... but in this day and age with SAFE SEX ... how can it possibly be any good? Condoms ( they say some are very thin and more realistic... but with lips, and mouths and tongues exploring how can that be done safely? (I have heard of dental dams some time back.) Quite frankly after all this time just want to get NAKED... not into my HAZMAT SUIT! Can anybody...