my addictive personality is so strong. I can't seem to stop self destructing. If it's not with alcohol, it's with whatever else I can use. I gamble all my money away, I smoke too much making myself sick everyday, I over indulge in food, I still have gotten entangled up with my emotionally abusive ex boyfriend. I can't seem to regulate my sleeping, or start exercising and eating healthy like I want to. I miss appointments, can't keep promises or plans. I sabatoge myself. I feel really unhealthy and out of shape and sick and crappy and depressed and tired every single day. I keep saying I need or want to do this or that to feel better, be happier, do the things I want to do, but I never seem to be able to do anything I want to do. I keep myself down and sick. I went 62 days sober a couple months ago, the longest in over 15years, but I felt like total shit everyday because I was out of control in other ways.I felt like a drunk and hungover all the time even when I wasn't drinking. So I thought what the hell might as well drink so I can atleast have a temporary moment of feeling ok again. then ofcourse I was even more depressed after that. I black out everytime. I stopped going to meetings for a while and drank several more times. Got wrapped up in the ex who I never wanted to see again, only because I was drinking. Stupid. judgement definitely impaired. It made me more insecure and vulnerable to him and his abuse. I really want to get it together. I've learned alot. I know alot. But knowledge doesn't do a damn thing with this out of control personality I have. I have issues. I have fear and trust issues. Low self worth. Like I push away positive people, attention, positive feelings, afraid of happiness, distrustful of happiness, love. I try to tell myself positive things. Like it wasn't my fault my dad molested me under the age of five. It wasn't my fault my mom wasn't there when I was a teenager and was emotionally abusive and didn't seem to give a shit about me. I"m not unworthy of love, I'm not bad, I don't have to run away from life anymore. Nobody is going to hurt me anymore. I can be happy and don't have to be afraid to hope. I spent over 20 years a depressed hopeless lonely drunk, never thinking I'd ever get better. It's hard for me to accept that things can and will get better. That I can have good healthy friendships, relationships. I deserve to be happy. I'm smoking right now and I feel so fucking sick already by it. I'm not your normal smoker. I quit for many years because they started making me sick and started back up over a year ago when I was trying to quit drinking. I smoke up to ten cigs a day. But they make me so sick and dizzy and like I can't breathe, tired. I do it anyway. Why? Why can't I let myself feel good. An escape maybe? A reason to not do what I need to do? I skip meetings because I feel like crap. I don't exercise or do anything really because I feel like crap and it depresses me and makes me just want to go drink instead. But drinking is deadly for me. I'm a horrible drunk. I don't know what I need. Maybe see a doctor to get something to help me with anxiety when I stop smoking. Something to help me relax more so I don't feel the need to self destruct. Why is living in the present so hard to do. Why can't I just feel content with anything? I try and pray more. I read alot of good books. I go to meetings but it doesn't stop this behavior. I don't know anymore. I'm just tired.
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