I know what you're talking about Herb. My brother in law used to be that way toward my husband for the longest time. He was never happy when we had good fortune, he would try to cut us down. God forbid my hub should be excited about something, he'd be berated and ridiculed. Strangely, this was all normal and OK with my husband, it turned ugly when I started jumping in and saying, "don't talk to my husband that way."

Trust me, it was ugly for awhile, my BIL resented my infringing on his "relationship" with his brother. I guess somewhere along the way he accepted that I wasn't going anywhere and he became more pleasant. It was a process, but in the end, my BIL actually decided he wanted to keep the relationship with his brother, even if he couldn't chastise him anymore. You might not have a wife willing to do that, so you might just have to do it yourself. Best of luck to you.

Herbalou, you just described my twin sister. My relationship with her is what guided me to the rooms of Al-Anon in my 15th year.
After her last visit, in Sep '07, after she raged at me for 4 days (she decided to stop smoking the day she arrived), I went into the rooms of Al-Anon (where I knew I always qualified to be in but thought surely my AA program would be enough).

I found my sponsor in there with 27 yrs sober in AA and 7 yrs recovery in Al-Anon. I began to learn to distance myself from my sister's destructive, manipulative behavior.

Well, I haven't been going to Al-Anon for 4 months; got busy in AA; and my old behavior with my sister kicked back in. Before long, I became irritable & intolerant with everyone around me but her! I'm back on track now but these family of origin relationships can be very insidious. I don't speak with her often at this point, though I love her, I must do so at a distance. I know today, that just because she chooses to remain sick (she knows there's a solution), doesn't mean I have to be there too. Recovery is for those who want it. I didn't sober up to be miserable & I refuse to be anyone's whipping post today. Great topic.

That person lives in a glass house and is throwing stones. I suspect they ultimately are very unhappy with themselves.

I know my twin sister is unhappy. I forgot to mention that she was in Gambler's Anonymous for 2 1/2 yrs, then relapsed. That's when the s*** hit the fan.

She acts like she's doing ok, then proceeds to suck me in with suicidal threats, etc. She is incapable of hearing the message at this point. Heartbreaking.

I have nothing to say apart from the fact that I found this thread quite moving and raw. Thanks Herbalou.

Hi Herb,

In my life, that person is my step dad. He's always been an abusive hostile man. There are times he will be so upset ( and no one will have any clue as to why) and I've asked him calmly if he would talk about things and he just leaves and slams the door as loud and tight as he possibly could. Then in 5 mins., he comes around and talks nice like nothing ever happened. But with no explanation, etc. It's always the same with him. It's all about control with him and he can have it... He hurts my mother and she pretends his behavior isn't happening. It's been going on for so long that one might think it would finally be accepted and just blown off so to speak. She may blow it off but it still hurts me. The only reason I can think of as to why he targets me is because I am the only child my mom has and we are extremely close ..(my brother was killed when he was 12 and I was 15). I have taken up for my mother when he has been mean to her. Oh well, at this point in my life, I keep as much distance between he & I as possible. I spend time with mom when he's out of town which is often. I've stopped questioning it. Too many years of my life were spent wanting it to change and I used to turn myself into a pretzel attempting a nice relationship, even turning the other eye when he was abusive. No more. His loss can't become my loss anymore. Meaning, I won't spend another nervous unhappy moment with or around him. There is just so much more to enjoy in this life. Why waste time slugging in the Tar Pit trying to clean off the nastiness of someone toxic when I can be flying high in peace and freedom and breathe? I hope you get some type of respect and acknowledgment about this person in your life. Just remember, it's not your fault they are miserable. You can't fix it. Just be you and be ok with that. Big hugs

Reading this reminds me of my relationship i had with my oldest sister.... such a confusing one at that... seemed she loved when i was hitting bottom.. She loved when things were falling apart around me and my children.. However when this were getting good with me and my children or with my other family member (mom and 2 other sisters) my oldest would call me up and say you know their all full of lies and they all just want something from you... damn, i believed in her for years.. then i sobered up and seen the real her for what she is.. she lives in pain and regret every day, she still lives in the past of what happen to her as a child... for me i don't remeber what i really went through,, all i have is her memerios and her stories and it to this day doesn't feel real to me... i was brain washed and i allowed it to happen as i trusted in her as she was the oldest and new it all... when i left my husband she left me and my kids for a year and half as she said i was doing to well for her and she couldn't understand... that was confusing to me.... was i not suppose to be doing ok? When i she came back into my life i was dating someone, she was the 3rd wheel as i was so scared to not include her as i may loose her again. She would quilt me into taking her everywhere with us... i let it happen, she would say see your doing good again i don't understand how you can grow like this and so fast and i am older and still struggling with life.. I went out of my way to say things were not good, to the point of making lies up about how terrible my life was with this man and how unhappy i realy was when i wasn't.. I was so happy at that time and i ruined it for fear of losing her love for me again... therefore the relationship had to end... the result of that was her leaving me anyway... saying i was to put together... lol.. she new i struggled with drinking and wanted to quit and she would say go get some keep doing what your doing, your fine... i trusted in her, i loved her, she practicly raised me as my mother and father at the time could not.. i cry inside writing this as there were so many things that happened things i can't or don't even know how to put in writing.. This is where i stop doing my step work..

I have since stopped talking to this sister last July 08.. i was asked once do you feel beter in her company or worse? I had to sit with that question for a while a few weeks actually... my answer was i feel better with out her in my life... so i stopped all contact... i am rebuilding my life with my mom and 2 other sisters and you know their all great ppl to have around.. we all opened up with how life to a tole on all of us and so far things are good... however, the oldest has nothing to do with us and us girls have nothing to do with her.. it is sad however thats how this story is going so far... maybe god has a plan for later as for now i am living my experiences my truths and my life... noone elses...

some people can just be abusive, but on many levels, to me this sounds like it could be a little bit mentally abusive, you know i dont understand it, but i dont understand why people hit there wifes or husbands or kids. but im sure there is an underlying issue that they do need to try and resolve but you cant help someone who doesnt know theres something wrong or doesnt want to be helped. i had to let someone go in my life once coz i tried my hardest to be tolerent but it was effecting me too much and i stopped seeing the good and just saw the bad and thats when i knew i would be no good to that person and just bitter so that was that x

Have you done a fourth fifth and eighth and ninth step on this.
My suggestion make amends for anything in this relationship that was your resposibility even if it was only 1% of the problem. do not go into the amends process with expectations. Apologize and own your part. Do not expect them to apologize and do not try to discuss it or get them to change. Just clean up your side of the street and leave the rest in thier hands.
If nothing changes then form a set of boundries and do not let them cross those boundries anymore.

This is a really interesting thread. It reminds me of some of the behavior of my girlfriends in highschool-so catty. It sounds like jealousy at some level.

Also, when a person is so unhappy they cannot bear to see others doing well. I know that there are people in my life that are not comfortable being around others who want to be productive-it makes them look or feel lazy. It is like someone watching tv eating dorritos while the other person cleans the entire house-the person on the couch gets uncomfortable perhaps because they feel like a dud sitting there while someone else is accomplishing something. Make sense?