I have sent these words to my many friends on here and published it in my journal. I thought it only fitting that I included it here. Many of you will see fit to throw scorn at me, perhaps justifiably so. I do not intend to
open up a debate, but rather to highlight an issue (which I feel is important) about what happens once the alcoholic mask has gone and we are left with the person within.

To express this, I have decided to concentrate on a very personal issue. Please forgive me if anyone under the age of consent reads this, it is not particularly graphic, but is 'adult' in it's contents nonetheless.



As many of you will no doubt know, I'm about to 'celebrate' my first year of chemical sobriety. That means I have not had a drink for a whole year!!! Yippee!! Well, I still have a long way to go in my own personal healing.


Stopping drinking in itself does not remove any underlying issues we may have. I'll cut to the chase. Since stopping drinking, my libido has become that of a randy eighteen year old (I'm 36!!), having had years of sexual problems with my current wife (#2, #3 just waiting in the aisles perhaps, or maybe I have already met her) I have found myself with a constant hard-on with no where to put it, so-to-speak.

Over the last few months I have become good friends with a young lady, not from this site but she too is an alcoholic in recovery. We have spent many an hour talking and texting each other and a close bond was formed.

On Sat 13th Oct, after much planning we finally met up and spent a fantabulous three days together in Bath (England). Having never met each other before but knowing how the other looks (my hair has been cropped since the photo on here!) we nervously met each other at Bath Bus and Coach station.

I shall refrain from giving you the details, but suffice to say, we consummated our friendship many times. The hours we spent together, as well as sexually liberating, was beautifully emotional and spiritual. With candlelight, inscence and soft music we entered into a world that I personally have never been to. Had alcohol really been such a bar to this world?

I'm a married man (soon to become divorcee) and as such decided to break the news to wife #2 on my return. Needless to say, she aint happy.

I cannot live a lie anymore. First and foremost, be true unto yourself. These words have echoed in my head all week. My wife has been telling me for a while now that she has 'gained a husband and lost one at the same time.'

Since getting sober, I have changed. I'm at the gym a lot now, though it took me many, many months to get to the stage where I could even look at a tread mill. My BMI has dropped as too my weight, 20kg in one month. I spend a lot more time with my daughter (from marriage #1) than I have ever done. My focus has changed and my life demands increased.

I know many of you will throw scorn at my infidelity, without knowing the full reasons behind it. Please do not judge me. I married my current wife at the peak of my alcoholism and at time where I was being dragged through the courts en-route to prison. An error of judgement saw me bowing down to pressure from my current wife and signing on the dotted line. The date she'd booked it on (my daughter's birthday) was all so bloody wrong but nontheless, as she was facing imminent deportation (she's from Uganda) I made a rash decision. "Marry in haste, repent at leisure!"

Now the mist has cleared in my life and I see things anew, I realise what a bloody hash I have made of things.

The weekend I spent with my lovely alcoholic (sober) lady friend, was ironically, a spiritually enlightening event. A relationship has now been well and trully forged and Phil has been left feeling a man once again (and J has been left feeling rather sore but somewhat a lady!!).

Foot note.

J and I intend to continue are relationship and talk daily since returning to our homes. The weekend has blown both our minds and we remain shell shocked by it. Neither of us could have conceived in our wildest of imaginations that two souls could connect in such a way as ours did.

We are currently having a period of reflection, but our daily phone calls still return to our beautiful weekend.

We alcoholics are unique people. We often become lost in this mad world and fall pray to its demanding and judgemental inhabitants. Sometimes, once in a while, two lost souls will find each other and seek sanctuary from a world so full of scorn.

Phil

END

Please note, as said above, this is not a debate and I shall therefore not be answering (publicly) any comments to above. Sensible emails shall however be answered.