Alcoholism Support Group

Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.

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deleted_user 10/20/2007

I guess I really know what I should do but I am really scared today and I haven't slept at all. I have (once again) decided to get sober/healthy but this time I went to my doctor and turned myself in. I was a new patient with this MD and I actually told the truth about the amount of alcohol I drank and my feeble attempts to stop and my stints in rehab. I had the lab work done and all. It shoud a small elevation of liver enzymes (not good) and on physical exam the MD could feel that my liver was indeed enlarged though soft (also not good but could be worse)
I have some medical background and I know thid is not what should be happening but as a bi-polar depressivie (under treatment) I still am having a hard time making myself come to grips with what is demonstrably damage to my body.
I am generally considered smart but I just can't seem to motivate myself to act favorably on my own behalf which of course makes no sense. I am supposed to go for an ultrasound to see just how enlarged my liver is (or heart for that matter) and still I went and bought a bottle of vodka today. I have never actively tried suicide, but this has got to be the next best thing!!! Has anybody ever gone through this ridiculousness and how did you kick yourself in the head to get past it on th right path???

deleted_user 10/20/2007

I'm new at this so I don't know how much help I'll be but what the heck. Someone told me just don't take that first drink. Makes sense to me and so that's my goal each day is to not take that drink. And then find AA and the 12 Step Program. Baby steps. Be kind to yourself. Good luck and take care. Kim =)

deleted_user 10/20/2007

Thank you Kim, Right now it is just nice to hear from another human. I'm divorcing and I don't really feel like this is something I can talk to anybody I know about. I guess I think that they all think I deserve whatever I get. But when you face the possibility of Liver failure alone, it is still good to talk to somebody who doesn't want to kick you. Thanks again.

deleted_user 10/20/2007

Hi, I too went to the dioctor recently and admitted just how much I was drinking. I wasn't brave enough to have the bloods done! And I did sober up for 6 days, but then went on a bender again. I am at this moment 1 day sober. I know it's ridiculous to actively know you have a problem, even if you know its actually damaging your body andto still self sabotage yourself by buying alcohol. You need to get yourself a support network, go to a meeting and get some phone numbers. Sometimes, just talking for 20 mins helps take the edge of, and stops you having that first drink.
#Tis all good advice, I know, and I so far haven't managed to do this, but I am trying. And everytime I do, Iget a bit closer to succeeding.
Be strong, am praying for you.
Carrie
xxx

deleted_user 10/20/2007

Thanks Carrie, I have been to hundreds of meetings and I have a kind of mental roadblock about them. I love the stories and sharing, but it absolutelyo makes my skin crawl to have to sit through Chahpter 5, the 12 step and the 12 Traditions read. I have heard it so many times I want to scream. I know it is valuable for newcomers but I can't sit still for it so I tend to show up late. Also, depending on the meeting, I don't always feel that the people who are sharing are being truthful. It's like they sometime think they have to pretty up the picture for the newcomers and it makes me feel like everyobody else's life is great but I am still having problems with mine. Even though I know that not all on them are telling the complete truth. It is sometimes difficult to find the meetings where people will tell the unvarnished truth and then say how they are dealing with it. That is so much more useful to me

ktharp423 10/20/2007

I've been sober in AA for almost 13 years; I've never met anyone too dumb to get the program but I have met a few people who're too smart. If you get too analytical, this simple program becomes complicated.
Look for the # to the AA hotline in your local phone directory. Find a meeting today and raise your hand and say you're new. You've turned your BiPolar over to a doctor, now it's time to turn your alcoholism over to a higher power.

I watched someone close to me die from this disease; it's an awful way to go and it's awful for the family as well. I wish you the best.

deleted_user 10/20/2007

You are right Ktharp, I am just that kind of person. but I do have to be on deaths door step to surrender control to a sponsor...I am most certainly there now. I did it once before and I was sober for 20 years but I have not been able to stay sober of the last 7. Now as I truly am facing the possibility of dying, just maybe I can give up control once again

deleted_user 10/20/2007

I think I will try to sleep now,it is 5:30 am in CA. Thanks All

deleted_user 10/20/2007

Wow. That situation with your liver is scary stuff. Alcoholism can be fatal. You said you've been to lots of AA meetings but have you had a sponsor and worked the steps?

deleted_user 10/20/2007

Actually, I did have a sponsor, a long time ago. I worked the steps and all. I was sober for 20 years. Then I was diagnosed with Bi-polar, my alcoholism went out of control also going on 7 years now and I have definetly been 'self will run riot' to the poing that my liver is damaged. But my depression is still so bad that I don't really care and I just am trying to find a way to care enough to take the actions I need to take to save my own life. I do see a psychiatrist who has me on various medications which of course alcohol interfers with so I am the instument of my own demise. The only thing I hold on too is that I wan to be alive long enough to see my 2 daughters, age 17 and 20, married and maybe mothers. I hope that will be enough to make me get and stay sober.

deleted_user 10/20/2007

girl, i have so many diagnosises, it appears they are coming out my ass. yes, i've tried to kill myself (mostly overdoses and hangings) but always a save at the last moment.damn!
if we must live in this world- let us try another way. we lost the fight on this one...don't be ashamed, be a warrior in your sobriety. you will do good things and never once waking up (usually in jail) to say "now, why did i do that or,worse yet, not remember.carry on said devonh

deleted_user 10/20/2007

OK, I did not actually manage to get to sleep. But after having communicated with all of you,I have decided to do the 1 other thing I have been resisting (while still continuing my medical evaluations). And that is,I will make an appointment with a psychologist. I have been advised for the last year to see a counselor/psychologist in addition to the psychiatrist who writes med scripts but I have been very resistant;largely for a very stupid reason, but perhaps you can relate. I just do not want to have to go in front of another head doctor and lay out my very personal psychiatric history. It makes me feel like I am going in there naked. Yet it is, of course, the first step in establishing a new doctor/patient relationship. To them it is just business as usual. But to me it is like being filleted on a grill in the office. And each time I have to change practioners (because of insurance) it is just that much more of a feeling of being violated. I really don't think that this is irrational at all.

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