someone asked me the other day ' mel, wat is your version of sobriety, wat do u want?' at the time i cudnt really answer it, it took me back,coz i kinda forgot WHY i was doing this, was i trying to get sober for other ppl?? yes i was, n i still am, especially for my family, but it aint enuff, i think to myself if i get sober for my family, they b proud of me again, they will get their daughter back,, and live happily ever after but that isnt real, its a fantasy, a fantasy i tried to live in for a long time. im not really drinking as much,i try n prove to my mum and dad im not a alcoholic, they dont believe i am , and i know in my heart i am, iv drank for so long that its like i forgot the resaons why im gettin sober? i dont know wat sober is?i thawt not drinking was sober, but it aint coz i still constantly thnk about booze, sum1 told me in a meetin b4' mel if u put in 100% in to workinh the prgram than u do drinking, im sure u will do it' my idea of being sober it isnt bout not drinking no more, its bout having a peace of mind, not feeling like a prisoner in my head, b able to walk down the road with a clear head n holdin my head up high instead of thinknig bout 'drink , drink , drink, being free of the guilt , shame and remorse,being like for who i am n not for who i was or used to b, not feeling angry at the world, and takin my pain on every1 else, not envying ppl who r happy, coz i havent smiled in a long time, iv bing in a depressive mood for years n its a very dark place to b in, the main reason why i i want to b sober, is to b HAPPY, and not live in fear of my self, n everythig around me, havin sucidial thoughts is morbib, but its where drinki has took me, i want to b free of my past, knowing it will always b my past no matter where i go, it will b there but learning to let go of it n accepting it, learning i will never b able to drink like normal pppl again, learning to accept who i am, for a long time i have looked in the mirror and hated that person starin back, knowing the destruction i caused, i want to b able to look in the miror and say ' mel u bein thru tough times but u got thru it, its time to live' well thats my idea of being sober.
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