Got paid at midnight, am broke again just four and a half hours later. I have the negative feeling that comes from being limited financially, and I equate that with lack of freedom to be me, piece of shit world and it's love of money, holding me down again. If that isn't bad enough, bitch ass world also not going to be nice when it is time to serve my debt of thousands of dollars towards and education that didn't even occur.
The character defect is fear. The fear of lack of nourishment, the fear of the opposite sex taking stabs at me because I lack in richness, not to mention if an emergency happens. If my car were to have a problem, I am screwed, I'd have to ask another man for assistance like a half-not, very embarrassing.
Fear and shame. Fuckers not considerate that cutting my income would lead to this is making the situation more aggravated, and to think they are going to require I work with a smile on my face just adds more pressure. I resent being broke, because it negatively affects my security both emotionally, financially, my self-esteem, I cannot give to others creating that good feeling of helping out, and I am now vulnerable to attacks from both others, or cockblocks, because I, through both faults of my own and no faults of my own am a little broke ass bitch.
I want to punch the fuck out of Rick Ross right now. LOL! I say that because that guy is always bragging about how rich he is. So the voice of my alcoholism says "Boy, you are a broke ass bitch, and life is going to just get worse, you're financial horizon is littered with thunderstorms ahead." Now that I've defined the tone this unfortunate reality is booming in my head, I can do one of two things. I can either tolerate this negative tune and overture and think I have the power to not drink from it, or I can do some steps, shift to recovered thought, and give it all to God.
I will do the latter.
First off I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable when alcoholism is a senior advisor. Secondly I have come to believe that there is a power out there, that knows me well, and knows what I need to do to not drink again, and I am able to give my life and my will over to is care today. Fourth, I know there is a resentment, and it stems from greed, selfishness, dishonesty, and in this specific case, fear. Fifth I have told you all or myself, God, and others, that this resentment is here, a reality, and the exact nature of a wrong. The wrong in this case is a negative, unhelpful spirit that hates. Sixth I am entirely ready to have this fear removed, along with the greed, selfishness, and dishonesty associated with it. Seven, I can humble ask for these shortcomings or hardships to be removed. Eight I can make a list of all people I have harmed (probably in this case financially) and become willing to make amends to them all. Nine I can make direct amends when possible, unless I cause further harm by doing so. Ten I can continue to inventory the situation after it before, during, and after it passes, and admit the same wrongs or futher wrongs immediately. Eleven I can ask God to help me and accept the answer, even if there is no answer. Twelve I can continue to strive for practicing principles of honesty, unselfishness, courage, and balance.
First off I am not a "broke ass bitch" but alcoholism is about to be with what I am about to counter it's immature accusations with. I am going to crack alcoholism's skull, I'm going to "split it's wig." I just completed an agreement, with a property, in where that property had doubts about me fulfilling my obligations towards it's consideration. That accomplishment has set me up for futher and future business with the company, broke ass bitches don't stay in good standings with multi-million dollars corporations. Broke ass bitches fall out of favor with multimillion dollar corporations that get jobs done, and provide services for the generality of all. Being in good standing, by doing what I said I was going to do financially is the work of a rich man, even if that man is cash poor. Fuck your cash, it's not fire proof. Good standing is fire proof, it's bigger than a piece of paper, it's not even tangible, it is just understood. Recovery 1, Alcoholism 0. Next, I have become a fat fuck eating tons of meat, but unwilling to pump oxygen into my cental nervous system due to a stupid belief system that I am more invincible than a heart attack or high blood pressure. Most of my fear causing the resentment is my food supply is going to suffer, meaning I am not going to be as big and strong as I want to be, so I can dominate and show real bitches I am knots to be fucked with. God's plan would have me eating less, my diet is horrible, alcoholism stupidly told me if I eat tons of red meat, by decrease my energy and ability to turn it into muscle, things would be fine. Stupid and perfunctory alcoholism was wrong again, ever since I started that diet I have felt like shit, been made fun of for the way I look, and wouldn't call that progressing in the game of life. If I am to cut a budget, and go for more healthy intake food wise, why the need for more money? Fruit is very cheap, vegetables are just as cheap, water is probably the cheapest, but me recognizing alcoholism and it's stupid accusations being the real bitch ass nigga, is the richest proclaimation I could ever speak freely.
Alcoholism, I am powerless, making me powerful, so you're systematics after recognizing the delusional means you provide for me to bow down to you, are no longer a match for me. In fact, I am going to provide so many rounds in your direction you're going to beg a la God to make it stop. A consistent spray of metal venoms in you're direction due to my own due diligence in a response to the wrongs you've done, picking on the not.
I have to understand and believe that power greater than myself, is not cool with me wanting to murder alcoholism. It is wicked and evil, I am wicked and evil, and I have to believe that lack of money, will provide a void of pride, so I can ignore my wick, put out a flame, and dormant my evils, so others who just want a basic and peaceful life, can not be bothered. I have to believe that me thinking war with alcoholism a good idea is another bad idea, but I also can belief that a higher power knows, I know not what I do, or at least know not what power would help it not be done.
All financial obligations in my life are met. Property obligation, met, no hoops or holes in that one, straight paid, no concerns, not problems, we good. Transporation obligation met, a bit of a reserve will have to be tapped in for maintainence cost, but atleast alcoholism isn't manipulating me to put that on the back burner or avoid that cost, when it is time to maintain, the cost will be provided. I am going to do taxes, even though I don't believe in taxing your fellow man. I think a great society would give it's citizens the freedom to either provide for the greater good or not, I don't believe societies that force their constituents to pay, even when they can't afford to comply with a greedy code, is a definition of great. That society sounds like a little scared insecure bitch who needs other's wealth to feel good about it's abuses of power or man made acheivments or "tops of a moutain" (pyramid in this case.)
I can recognize that me not asking for help, is the thinking of a poor man. I can recognize that me thinking I "do it all by myself" is the thinking of a commoner and average joe, I understand that me, being me, and me being lucky or fortunate isn't necessarily hard work, is againall me, with no God, caring for my life and will.
I can understand, which alcoholism can't, all the misfortune I experience in the last couple of years, directly from others, that lead to this positioning harmed me, and harmed me to such an extent that I do not have the brain power or the health of a brain that can securely see the real intention of not being broke. I am to not be broke so I can help others, not to show others how less they have. The real meaning of having it is not to show others they don't. The real meaning of having it is to know others can have it too.
Major resentment, when I give value to a world that cares about if I am broke. Are the people I am influenced by caring if I am broke? What is wrong with me if I am allowing those people to be influential? How much of a bitch am I if I think it a good idea to listen to people who judge me off how much money I have? The real truth is they are judging to see if they can get more from me, or how they can use me to get more. I am influenced by users and superficial agents who if not with, having less, am written off, and put forth in the market as a tax, or mark. Selfish bastards of sons of bitches. I am influenced by selfish bastardos of sons of bitches, not Sons of God, but selfish bastards of sons of bitches, not even sons of devils or fallen angels, but worthless, ignorant, but always so know it all that they know nobody else, assholes who underestimated me as a "bitch ass nigga." I am far from a bitch ass nigga, and seeing value in being broke is the higher level of forth dimension a non-quantified God is wanting me to attain. Money pimping niggas braggin on a set. A movie set, like actors. Brag in Baghdad Nigga. I'll be braggin in Berlin.
So if you read the last paragraph you'll see that I am very sick right now, and a financial difficulty has me speaking like a Gangster, even though I am from the suburbs, really don't enjoy fighting, desiring to be as nice and down to earth as possible, and need this evil to be washed away if I am going to be happy, joyous, and free. What is the evil? The evil if the fear. Fear is evil. If I generate fear am I evil? I just tried to, so my fear is now on the offensive, it has turned into a resentment, and it is no coincidence that resentment is the number one affender is an attempt to no longer drink, knowing if you do, it leads to dying.
Can I afford to call men bastards, niggas, unhappy with their life choices and their inablity to have pride in their greed? Only if my ego thinks I am God, and even then it is not a spiritual cost, it is a world based cost, so I only please the world when I go to war with sickness or others non-approving of my ability to earn, paper.
As far as money is concerned, my greed, can't see, I have all my obligations met, out of more than ten accounts none are over drawn or not paid upon after notice of payment needed. That's huge. Much bigger than how big my personal account is. Now I am not a fool, I know it would be much better if many zeros were after what is currently in my account, but I also am not the broke ass niggas alcoholism and it's goons are labeling me to be, alcoholism wants me to think I am a broke ass nigga so I can then become centered and trapped in my self-pity, dishonesty, and self-seeking, and eventually feed it's hunger for me to get drunk.
Alcoholism in reality is the real bitch ass nigga, and it stays broke if I do the steps, ask God for help, and keep working to let it know of it's own inferiority. I have to remind alcoholism it is talking to a God if God wanting their to be other Gods. God doesn't want there to be other Gods, so we will never be Gods, but if there was another God, a demi-god if you will, it would be recovery. The Sun of God is recovery. Alcoholism is just a wet pussy pulsing to be screwed, or secured, like an idiot going into a town not realizing they can't help but eat him alive. Alcoholism thinks it is a match for God and recovered persons, but it's a ho, that only feeds off negativity, hate, selfishness, and fear.
Here is the solution, I have to accept I don't need much right now, and for years now I have been asking for my greed to be removed, and I think he just did it. I honestly believe I do not need much, so it makes perfect sense that I have so little. I pray for the niggas who think they need more or even worse need it all, what a condemnation to have a reality where you need to get more, it would be like a punishment, to not be able to say "this is enough" is horrible. I've not been able to do it many times, and I truly understand how hard it is to just say no, and stop, especially when being you is getting you so much. Those men probably aren't alcoholics and probably aren't interested in self as much as I.
I hope this helped, I know it only really provided a temporary escape from the torture of being broke and in debt is providing for me, but it is my respite, alcoholism provides a death sentence for me and believing in spiritual principles and change grant a repreive from my ultimate fate of things always turning out badly. This post was weird, strange, and insane to most, I'd not be surprised if not one person made it through the whole thing, it's pretty out of the box, but I would have just layed in bed worrying myself literally to death about how much this world is fucking me financially, so forgive me if I am doing the wrong thing, I just didn't want to be polluted in my negative and toxic thinking for a while.
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Sometimes when I can't sleep and I know there is alchohol in the house I will drink it. No matter what wee am hour it is. I need to sleep right? This is that hour. The witching hour. The hour that puts me down for the rest of the weekend. So I type to ya'll instead. That's right I said Ya'll. I live in the south now I adapt. LOL.Well as I said last week. My goal is always to do better than the...