How many of you during your drinking have felt like they were actually going to go completely INSANE!? One strong memory I have is after a three day bender where I drank nonstop and didn't really sleep or eat much. Which I have done many times before mind you. I am also on an antidepressant called Effexor by the way. If it played a part, I'm not sure, but I will never forget how I felt when I started coming down and sobering up. I have never felt that exact way again but it scared the living shit out of me. All of a sudden I started feeling very scared. It was like my mind was shutting down. It's hard to explain but I'll try the best I can. It's like I had to focus on my breathing or else I would forget to breathe and die. It's like if I thought about anything at all like my life or problems or memories, I would go completely mad or insane. I had to force myself to focus on only one thing and that was breathing in and out. I sat on the floor and rocked myself saying God help me, God is love, God help me, God is love, help me help me, breathe in breathe out. I could only manage a word or two to come out of my mouth, any more thinking than that and my mind would shatter. I paced my room, breathing in and out, I felt so paranoid and scared. I wanted to call 911 because I felt literally like I was going to die mentally but I couldn't do it, couldn't voice the words to them and I was afraid the extra action, talking on phone, people coming over, would send me completely over the edge. couldn't handle anything at all. Not drinking water, nothing. I got a taste of what it must feel like before you end up in a nuthouse for the rest of your life doing nothing but sitting in a corner like a zombie rocking yourself forever. I thought maybe a warm bath might help but felt like I would surely drown. It was the most god awful feeling. Had to keep breathing in and out in and out, rocking, moving, praying to God to save me from dying mentally. Mental death! Like I would fall into a dark void of pure FEAR and never return. I thought I would never come out of that state but eventually I managed to lay myself down in bed and fall asleep. I don't know what exactly happened to me that night but I've never gone through that since. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.Can't believe I've drank since.
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