My name is michelle and I am an alcoholic. I feel like I have tried everything and I can't stop drinking and having slips. I have been to four different rehabs and have never managed to be able to completly stop. I am at my wits end and I feel totally helpless. I hate this disease! Last night I stole money out of my husbands wallet and bought two bottles of vodka. I blacked out half way through the second one. I woke up with bruises and my husband told me I tried to throw myself out of the window. I have been suicidal before, but now it seems I came really close. I am afraid and ready to do anything! I do attend meetings regularly and I feel like such a failure. I remember leaving rehab the first time and I thought I could do it. My roomate used the first day she left, and I figured that was the norm. All I hear in my head is what I always heard from my family and that was "she is going to end up just like her parents" My father overdosed when I was five and mother died june 19 06 from drinking. Her liver failed and then her kidneys. I held her as she took her last breaths in the hospital. It was horrible but it has not deterred me from drinking. It is all I think about. I feel like a prisoner in my own body. I am not sure if I am an agnostic or athiest but I don't believe in a "male god up in the clouds" If he exists, I hate him for taking my parents and grandparents and for the terrible childhood. I don't know what to do anymore.
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