I"m hopeless and think I and everyone else would be better off if I was dead. I'm afriad to die though. But I think that way. I think about taking a bottle of pills and going to sleep but then I'm scared to die and I know that it would kill my son and family but the hurt that I've caused and still cause I just can't do it anymore. I'm so destructive. I know everything there is to know. I've been to aa many times, read alot, called a sponsor, call other friends, pray, just got out of treatment and am now in outpatient treatment. I still self destruct. I still hurt my life. I still can't seem to manage to get better. Don't tell me about the steps, I know about them too. I know everything there is to know. That doesn't matter. Doing things are a different story. Ihave issues. I can't deal with life. I can't deal with the fears and guilt and memories and shame and forgiving myself. I try. I can't deal with shit. I can't let myself feel good. I can't seem to love myself. I try. I go up and down all the time. I get all spiritual, read stuff do good for a minute them self destruct. I take two steps forward then one or two steps back, or three sometimes. I don't know. I can't think straight. I'm seeing a councelor. I'm on antidepressants. I don't think there's anything you can say I don't already know or have thought about or tried or am still trying. I just feel too broken sometimes. Too broken. I've been sexually abused as a child. Yea alot of people have. I've worked on that healing. I've worked on fourth steps. I've gotten alot out. I've looked at the root of my problems, my low self worth, abandonment issues. I think about and work on everything. I still self destruct. I still can't deal with life. I don't think it's meds I need. I think I really just need to be somewhere safe and where I'm taken care of and helped 24/7 for like 6 months to a year. I need that kind of help but that's not an option. Not with medicaid and hmo. Treatment was helpful but not long enough. It's not about knowledge like I said. It's about time and help to heal. I don't know anymore. I feel ike total dogshit right now and can't think straight. What's new? I'll still keep trying. I have no choice. I'm supposed to go to outpatient today leave at 7am. I've been up all night, gambled all my money at the gas station, smoked a bunch of cigs even though I feel like shit and even drank 24oz of high gravity beer. Yea I feel wonderful. Ready to just croke over and sleep all day. I'll probably have to call in and skip treatment today. What's new? I'm always calling in canceling shit because I feel like shit. I make myself that way too. I need to be in a mental institution I swear.
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