Do I want no problems? Didn't I drink over all MY problems? Wasn't I a great big problem others had to waste their time to solve, only to fear me becoming a problem again after they temporarily pacified my outburst, temper tantrums, drunken spells, and outrageous accusations and delusions? Was all of that in direct correlation of the fact I refused to conceed I was a real alcoholic whose problems had piled up on him to a degree where no human power could have provided a real and authentic solution? Yes, yes, and more yes.
I am an real alcoholic and my life drinking alcohol is unmanagable. Not to mention not worth being present for, mindful of, or profitable.
Not drinking is the only solution to desiring a life where I have no legitamate problems. My ego effortlessly creates useless problems for me to "solve" daily, and I had to admit the other day, that I have evolved so much spiritually I don't have to see the ego as a problem anymore either. I did, and do, often. I even had self-help books and guru's who I interpreted were telling me the ego is the main problem. The ego isn't so much the main problem I am seeing, as the ignorance guiding the ego, in where the ego seems to direct using a method that carves out room on the assumption there might not be a God. My spirit knows damn well there is a God, but my ego, in my mind, my harmed mind from my mental illness called alcoholism, always seems to be "making moves" as if there might not be a God.
This my friends is called "self-reliance." There is no reason for me to not believe God specifically talks about self-reliance in the fourth step, in the fear portion of the inventory, to get my attention driven to the point where I see, my ego, is directing, out of ignorance fueled by a human power, that requires fear, to make my own decision and create my own destiny's. One problem though. That one problem is I am using a warped mind, a harmed mind, a mind that is using character defect to will my way to another breath of survival, and the ironic thing is the more I will another breath, the less air to breath I give myself.
If I keep it simple, remembering God has one suggestion for me, and that is to build a rock solid routine and way of living that prevents that first drink, I won't have to rely on my "wrong" self in all other areas. God knows it is difficult to live for us alcoholics, our minds are telling us the light is green at the intersection when in reality it is red! Meanwhile the antagonist of God, which by the way is too ignorant to admit or see it's existence is quite the opposite of love and care infinitely, the ego, says "we have all these problems, which if there is no God will will have to solve ourselves, help us solve our own problems!" It is very important for me to pray and meditate so I can be in a great spiritual state to hear that ego, and discredit it, as just mentally insecure and unstable chatter, not to be acted on. Very, Very, Very, hard to do.
Currently my ego sees monumental financial problems in my life, specifically on the cost side of the equation, and that is tied to an instinct of desiring perfect security without having to work to build defence against anxiety, stress, and exhaustion. Prayer and meditation sees the financial problems as gifts from God that will allow me to treat others better, realize how powerful egoic obsession can become almost overnight (also subltly), and that I am still so fear driven I haven't completely accepted the fact that not running the show, and letting God run the show, is exactly what God wants for me, and wants to do! God is love, sanity, solution, and security, why do I not wake up, give everything to him, and enjoy the day?
The answer to that question is I create my own problems when I do not discredit self-reliance deep enough, and when I fail to recognize through a routine of prayer and meditation that I am the author of my own problems, and drinking effectively publishes those problems for the whole world to trade upon, I waste tons of time solving problems that I didn't have to create in the first place.
If I do not drink, I am given a chance, a reprieve if you will, like the fellowship and literature has spoken of. If I drink, and the consequcnes of that becomes a pandora's box of problems galore, after knowing the truth, the reprieve is non-existent, causing a hellish existence, impossible to cope with. If I do not drink, no matter how great the frustrations, the demands, the chatter from the ego becomes, I ALWAYS have a chance at any moment, to have the burden "pass." After the burden of delusion and demand coming from the ego passes, clarity, understanding, and peace always follow. It's a very enriching and fulfilling experience I can say can't be anything other than from a God source of love, care, and real authority.
I must remember, I lessen any potential burden of problem piling, when I keep it simple by going to meetings, reading the big book, talking to other alcoholics, committing to a positive live of unselfishness for others benefit, and constantly praying and meditating so God can remind my self-reliance, it won't be needed today, he's got it covered.