I've been in and out of recovery for years now. I won't go into details but let me just say that I'm usually "out" of recovery. I have a routine. I have some really important reasons that I NEED a drink. I don't have enough medication for my back and I'm in pain, I'm depressed, I have anxiety, I even have reasons that are more positive like, "it's Saturday night and I want to party." Of course I never go out and party. I prefer to drink without a bunch of people around because since I got married, 9 years ago, I became a hermit. I hang out with my friends every once and a while but I don't drink much with them anymore. I hang out with them and have a few drinks and then my husband drives us (he and I) home and I get drunk. He doesn't drink anymore because it has a horrible effect on him. He always does something dangerous or stupid. Not me. I just sit and watch a movie or a good tv show and drink my bottle of wine and my 1 beer. Sometimes a little more. Never less. Everytime I drink now if I go over a certain limit I get sick. You probably couldn't even tell I was drunk until I get sick. But I most always get sick when I drink. So I have become a loner hermit drunk who gets sick. That's who I am now. This is what my husband see's all the time. I sit around in my night gown and watch TV and drink until I get sick. I have been to rehab and detox a few times. The longest I have ever stopped is two weeks. On my own, without rehab I can usually put together a few days. I don't really have any excuse not to drink either. I can't work. If you look at my profile you would know why. My profile also may explain the reason I have stopped caring about the quality of my life. Sometimes I am actualy good with this existence. Unless I am puking I'm ok. My husband gets angry and he doesn't like it but somehow I can always talk him out of being angry with me. He mostly feels sorry for me and has no idea what to do with me. In some ways this is ok with him. I'm not going anywhere. I am always going to be faithful. And he really doen't have to do much to please me except don't hassle me about my drinking or anything else for that matter. What a peice of work I have become. I don't want my husband to be unhappy either. I love him so much you don't even know. But I am screaming inside. I don't want to be this way, but I have no idea how to stop. I certainly don't have the strength. I do worry about my health and what this is doing to me and my body. I look like a totally different person. I use to be a very attractive person. Now I am overweight and I just look really unhealthy. But last night something happened that scared the sh*t out of me. I actually woke up with puke dried up going around the back of my neck and matted up in my hair. I threw up in my sleep! That has never happened to me before. I always get my liver and kidneys, etc. checked and for some reason they are in good condition. My Cholesterol and tryglycerites (sp?) are very high but that is not enough to scare me straight i guess. Me throwing up in my sleep and knowing I could choke to death scared me like I have never been scared before. I don't want to die! even thoguh my life has become sh*t there was always the next day. I will straighten up tomorrow. I have time. I will staighten myself out later. My husband doesn't care. My friends and family don't know how bad it's really gotten. So I'll fix it later. Ok, well now I don't think I have later. If I keep this up I could be dead the very next time I do it. Deep down I feel like I will find another way around this. I don't want this to be it. I don't want to have to change right now. But if I want to live, I have to quit. Now! God help me what do I do now. I do NOT want rehab and meetings. is that the only way? Oh God. I have to stop now. I just don't think I can!
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