I drank again monday night. I let myself get so sick and tired and lonely and scared and depressed. It was like I was a drunk without even drinking. Everything has been bothering me. I don't really have much family support at all. I have been not going to my meetings or calling aa friends. i think I just didn't feel like it but I should've been. I'm gonna start going again. I've been reading alot and coming on here alot but I've been feeling so shitty. I can't seem to eat healthy, exercise, or quit smoking and everyday I feel so shitty and tired and bummed out. I want to take care of myself. Because I can't afford to let myself feel that way. So crappy and hopeless. I have been scared about the future. Scared of life, of happiness. I need to trust in God. No job, no license, no money really. So much debt. I'll probably never get my license back. I don't know. I just need all the comfort and support I can get right now. Encouragement, strength. Need to trust in God. To feel that there's hope. It was a bad choice to drink. i just put myself in that position where I was vulnerable and needy and scared. Yea it helps right? Not. Now I feel a hundred times worse. For some reason I'm afraid of letting myself feel good, to be happy. I'm so scared of getting hurt. I don't know. I don't understand it either really. I was PMS too and thinking alot about the abuse I've suffered, trying to heal from that. I just found myself in a bad place. I can't sit here and beat myself up. I have to move forward and do what I know I need to do. Call my aa friends, get to meetings. I was sober but feeling so down about stuff. I even asked my ex abusive boyfriend to come over when I was drunk. It was so stupid. He's acting all caring now and I guess I needed some caring but I know it's the wrong kind. I can't trust him, I don't believe he really cares. He's hurt me too much. I just feel bad. I'm sorry.
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