ok, so when you relapse and feel like shit, people tell you to do shit like go to AA, get a sponsor etc. but what if you dont', where's the help? how can I get better if I can't go to AA or get a sponsor? some people can't seem to follow what others have done to get better. I know I should do it and have said many times I will or I should but don't for some reason. there's gotta be a problem there that keeps me away from such shit. what do you do when you can't get to AA or get counceling? I mean is there any other answers out there besides that? I can't bring myself to AA because I feel like crap everyday, tired and don't want to go, don't want to make the call, it scares me, it's hard. and everyone just says well, if you want it bad enough you'll make the call you 'll do it etc. like I'm an outcast, like someone who doesn't want it bad enough. You don't know what I've suffered . It's hard. it's mental, it's depression, I feel I'm fucking psychotic when I drink now, I mean totally psy fucking chotic! I black out every time, I do really crazy stupid shit. I don't want to do this anymore. I hate it when people say, if you really wanted to quit you would, if you really loved your son you would, if you're realy sick of being sick and tired you would, and so on. something is lacking for me, I need some help some encouragement, something, I don't know. I don't know why I still drink. it's ruining my life. what if I can't do what needs to be done? whta if I can't go to AA? then what? I'm doomed? I believe in God but haven't been believing in God lately. I don't know anymore
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