If only God would let the rest of the world know, that would be fantastic. So the question is, is it necessary for the world to know I cannot drink? For years I have been dishonest, with all my providers, about the severity of my not drinking. I had a bad experience years ago where I told a professor I was an alcoholic and she never quite wanted to be as helpful as she was towards me on the first day of class. Going into the work force I also knew, leading with "I am an alcoholic" when I desperately needed employment, lowered my chances of earning income, it would have been niave for me to deny that and proclaim it out loud.
However I have heard of people who are very transparent in their confession about having alcoholism. Most of them are sound, and people I listen to, or can trust when they share in the meetings. The guys and gals who leave the wiggle room in their recovery lives to lie, or not be honest, entirely in life sober, tend to give me unsound advice and are just too angry to deal with often. I think my next career I am going to be honest, and be who I am, a recovered alcoholic who no longer drinks.
I am to look for a new job, God has made it pretty clear my solution to cost, debt, and expense will not be solved if I do nothing to change my current situation. Thinking optimistically is putting a band-aid on the situation, for instance I still have a job and still will earn, but it isn't going to heal the mess my mind got me into after earning too much money to handle correctly the last two years.
Building on yesterday, instead of ho'ing myself out to the job market and accepting anything, like I used to do when I drank and wasn't spiritual, I still can see clearly acceptance, patience, and humility are still present in any solution I will be able to correctly apply will power towards. If I do not want to drink again, I am believing I need to be honest and open with my next employer. Not only will that give me a gauge if the employer is going to understand and not be self-interested, but it also opens the door for a trusting relationship where my honesty could be a huge asset against all other liabilities. The person I worked for that allowed me to earn greatly, through the grapevine knew I was an alcoholic and a drug addict because state agencies were contacting them carving into my privacy so they could ask state legislatures for more funding at my income's expense. I got the job saying I didn't drink because of an physical allergy, when asked, but the state agency wasn't helping more than my will to get a job, and that was terrible because the state showed me it was sort of a deal with the devil in where they gave me funds to live, but didn't really care if my illness would affect my employers attitude towards me.
Make a long story short, the person who I used to work for, decided within their family, to give the reigns of management and operating to people who simply didn't understand, and if I explained it to them, would have not respected it very much being huge pot heads and drunks. I say all that to say all of this, I like to work, and I want to work, and I am a great worker, but naturally become not so great, after I've been shown, whoever I work for, is either too self-interested or doesn't give a fuck that my life is in danger if I lie to others.
I do not drink because I do not lie, or have an agenda that accepts lying a good policy. I want to keep it that way, but my boss is alright with lying, and thinks it works as a way to relate to others, they believe everyone lies, so it is alright to do so. If I don't lie, I don't get opportunity, and when I don't get opportunity I do not earn a living. I need a new job, with an employer who sees the immaturity of lying, however my resume will invite more immature employers than real employers who have an effective impact on everyone, and that fear, the fear of having to get another job, with another immature leader, who at the end of the day will choose themselves over me, is taking me into the direction of having to say "I do drink."
I am going to pray with power for God to bring someone into my life that understands if I drink I die. The person I work for now probably wouldn't be moved much if I died from alcoholism. To make matters worse I have no idea where to start. The money demand, to pay, is causing fear, and that is causing self-reliance to just have some income, more income to pay the balance, and if I just take anything, life is going to be very painful.
I do not drink...because I am honest with others about being an alcoholic. I think before I pray for a new employer, I need to pray for the courage to let anyone know I am an alcoholic, who has recovered though, and I want to maintain that recovery, more than just having a job that won't add to financial worry.
Praying for the removal of fear, over anything dealing with employment, is the correct use of will, and the correct action. Praying for a job, won't be as great as praying for fear to be removed regarding a new job, or just being honest in employment in general.
The book tells me to simply ask God to remove the fear, then ask for him to direct our attention towards what HE would have us be. I am asking for the fear to be removed by doing this writing, and I am noticing he is directing my attention towards the severity of the things I used to do when I drank. Some of those things are accepted the first job that came along, accepted working for individuals who were not good for me and too inconsiderate for me to stay sane, and if I want to get specific, anytime I worked for small business, I went mad and drank. Each time I worked for a big business, with inclusive standards and took things seriously, everything was great, and I hadn't any fear or worry I was not doing the right thing.
The consistency, the standards, the routine, and the trust that a big business will not fail, really does it for me in terms of securely accepting who I am, what I do, and who I do what I do for. I feel great when consistency, respectable standards, operations that follow routines, and a trust between the top and the bottom, are realities. I do not do so great when the leaders are scared, change their policies and practices reguarly, have a "do as I say not as I do" agenda that erodes trust and gives no reason to work hard. I guess what makes me not drink, is the security of working for an employer who sees honesty and being professional as the only way to work. I like being serious, focused, respected, and not hated where I work, and if I am to burdened to make a joke about everything, distracted a lot, not respected, and not loved, neglected, taken advantage of, and bullied, I drink, because I get resentful, fearful, and then start blaming myself for my alcoholism with shame, guilt, and remorse.
I have no choice to believe God will have a direct talk with the man or woman who ultimately employs me with the job that is going to give great opportunities to be honest, humble, professional, and secure. I have the power to choose that I believe that strongly. I have to accept I am not ready, need more experience and healing, but I can practice patience and giving up power to God, to direct, this miracle, which I hope is just a story of an average joe helping his community. I don't want some blockbuster story or some awe inspiring narritive that amazes, I just want a simple job, I can work hard at, and can rely on to put food on the table and pay the cost and expense due to the world for having me. I don't want the superstar story most bozos are crying not getting, I just want the solid machine, who has built such confidence in operating over decades it can help anyone, to see me as an asset for my honesty and humility.
I will drink if I am not patient, and don't abandoned my plan, as recent as yesterday, to get another job, that kills my-self esteem, and only provides money. I wasn't raised a begger and I shouldn't have to beg this market, run by more idiots than not, for income, at a cost of my security, self-esteem, all while taking me away from the women I should be giving babies to!
I might have to though, because I also drink if I do not have ANY income, the guilt, shame, and fear of not having any money is too much for me to handle, so again, it is very important for me to understand what I learned yesterday, and build on it. That is called taking continuous inventory.
After the moo incident, the three guys were captured by the soldiers. They weren't valuable and their genie story unbelievable. The solders decided they were going to expunge them. But gave them a choice out of three. Guliteen, hung or firing squad. The first guy just wanted out asap. So he chose the guliteen. They greased it and put his head in and ....it stopped just...