Good day to everyone. Ok I'm not good at expressing my emotions but I will do my best so please bare with me. Six years ago I had my last daughter. I woke up three nights later with burning up and down my spine and inside my head! My bp shot up over 200 and the nurses threw me in a cold shower. Well due to what happened I started suffering memory loss and it hasn't gotten any easier. To be honest I think I am dying because of it. The memory is deteriorating rapidly. I found out that I have bpd, bp, ptsd, and ocd. I had been sober for 2 years prior to last week. I noticed when I drank last week that some of the pressure and the stress caused by all this lifted. I don't want to use alcohol as a way to cope with this. There's got to be a better way to deal with this crap besides drinking! I have been hospitalized on and off since this began and it's been extreme hell on my kids and I. My marriage was ruined because of it. I lost a lot of friends as well. They all noticed that I wasn't getting any better and they turned their backs. My father is the only parent that I have left and he is of no support due to the fact that he is drinking daily and suffering from his own demons. My ex husband is really good when it comes to the kids but as far as I'm concerned to him I don't matter. No wonder drinking sounds so appealing but I just can't complicate things any worse than what they already are. My brother is in his own little world so therefore he's not very supportive. To be honest with everyone I don't know what to do and I feel so alone and scared in all this. I know I have DS and lots of friends here but I miss the ppl that were physically a part of my life. I didn't purposely get this way. I just didn't wake up one day and ask God to make me sick! It really angers me to know end. I had a beautiful marriage, I had an awesome job, good friends, and now look. I have almost lost it all. Sorry for rambling I am just really stressed. I want to know if anyone else feels quote normal when they are drinking. I know that I do. But that just can't be the answer to this. I am completely lost.
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