Well, here goes.... I'm a little nervous about this, so please bear with me.. I'm 28 yrs old, and I feel like I'm 50!! I never had a problem with drugs or alcohol until after I turned 21, then I started bartending, my first excuse was that I just wanted to "try out" the drinks I was making, then after making lots of "friends" at the bar I worked at, it turned into "just a night out with the girls", well, it all went downhill from there...I never got into trouble with the law, thank God, I was very lucky. However, I did begin to spin out of control. I went through major depression, I was one of those crying drunks, I would sob for hours about various things I had been through in my past....My father was an abusive alcoholic, not so much physically towards me, but mentally, he broke me down at a very young age, at the age of 14 I was jogging with my best friend when she was struck by a car and killed right in front of me, the list goes on and on...Anyway, whenever I would drink all these memories flooded over me I was miserable, and so was everyone around me! Sometimes I felt like Sandra Bullock in the movie 28 days!! Not Cool!! Well, about 4 years ago I decided that I couldn't take the pain anymore, so I got really drunk and downed 60-70 sleeping pills...It was crazy, I drove from the bar to the drugstore, crying my eyes out, and i bought 3 bottles of over the counter sleeping pills and one 16oz mtn dew, I got back in my car and hid it behind a dumpster took them all, turned the radio up, leaned the seat back, and waited to die. Luckily, about an hour later my ex boyfriend found me, I had just given him a key to my car that week, and he got me out and saved my life!! I was in critical care for 3 days. The doctors said I did it right, and if I had stayed in that car another 30 min I would be dead! I guess God had other plans for me!! It was a miracle, I had no major side effects, no brain damage, just a heartbroken family, and a hole in my soul! After that I went to an outpatient rehab and AA meetings and for a while things got much better, but only for a while. Then I started boozing it up again, and doing some hardcore drugs. I never had any other thoughts of suicide, only because I felt I was such a failure that I couldn't even kill myself right!! Well, about 2 yrs ago I met the man of my dreams, he doesn't drink, and he hates it when I do. We moved across the country about 16 mos ago, so that I could get away from everything here, I know you can't run away from your problems, but that move was the best thing I ever did.....for awhile, then I got another job in another bar , and started drinking again....I thought I could control it!!! Well, guess what... there is no controlling it for me, it's all or nothing, so in Aug. of 2007 I decided to quit, and I made it for 6 months. I had never been happier, then we made the move back home, and I started hanging out with old friends, and I didn't drink much, maybe once or twice in the past month, but this past Friday night I went out with the girls, and got so drunk, that it took me right back to four years ago, the darkest time in my life.. I found this site yesterday, and I am so happy to be able to talk with others who know my pain. I'm sorry this has been so long, but I needed to give you a little history before I asked this question.... I relapsed Fri, I know this, but I feel like getting drunk that night totally erased my almost completely sober history of 6 mos... I realize that I need to lose some of my so called friends, but I don't quite know how. I am very softhearted, and I don't want to hurt anyones feelings! Obviously these "friends" don't care as much about me as I do about them!!! Please help, how do I distance myself????????
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