Nobody is there is seems. I think it's just me. My alcoholism stems from when I was a teenager. I was so depressed. My dad left my mom for another woman when I was 15 and we moved away to a new state and I quit school because I became so depressed. My mom found a new boyfriend right away and he was abusive, not physically, except with our family dog, and I just spent alot of time in my bedroom crying, smoking cigs, staying up all night. It was horrible. I was so lost and alone and scared and confused and missed my friends from back home. Felt my father abandoned me too, my mother wasn't there, nobody cared, was completely alone. I remember sometimes going to sleep in my mom's room at that time because I became afraid of the dark. I had no friend and cried everyday alone for a few years. Then I tried to kill myself and then I finally started hanging around my brother and his friends and doing drugs and drinking. I was so damaged by then I couldn't talk to anyone. I was so innocent. got pregnant the first time I had sex with an abuser. Raised my son alone all these years. pushed guys away, never got close to anyone until recently, ended a relationship with an abusive guy I was with for 18 months. First time Iever really got close to anyone. I guess I was too messed up still. It was so hard for me to get help. I felt I couldn't be helped, damage was too great. So hopeless, so scared to talk or cry in front of anyone. I was forced to try. because my drinking got so bad that it was very dangerous. I black out everytime.It's hard raising a son on your own when you suffer frm alcoholis and depression. it's hard finding a purpose in life. I do love myself in some ways. i see the good in me. I just have so much hurt. I mean It seems like every memory I think about hurts me in some way. I'm terminally sad. no drugs or anything can cure that. so many things make me sad. I have so many animal stories that are very sad. so much shit. I try. I really do. I'm just down all the time. I guess it'll take time. I dont' fucking know. I wonder where I'm going, what my purpose is. I feel useless lately. I could go on forever but I should shut up. ha I'm writing a friggin book. I'm glad I have acomputer now and can talk to people . I remember when I was completely alone and had no one there, it was so horrible you guys. I think that's what did me in. it' was so bad. I felt so alone. Tried to kill myself 8 times. when i was 19. Ever since I had my son I never attempted suicide but I've slowly killed myself with alcohol. I'm afraid to live. I can't deal with the hurt and pain. Fuck the steps and counceling and all that bullshit. I know it helps but it doesn't. You have to deal with it yourself essentially. it hurts. and I have no real close family or friends around. I'm essentialy alone. God, I should shut the fuk up before I write my whole life story. ha Ok I'm done with my share. hugs
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